Desperately seeking validation

Last week I bought myself one of those Sesame Street, muppet-like sweaters from Unliqlo that looks and feels like a fuzzy stuffed animal. 

And it was a good thing I bought that warm comfort mop. All weekend I used it to soak up my tears after getting passed over for a prestigious part-time mentor position that I really thought I'd be perfect at. 

My face buried in Snuffleupagus’s arms, I thought a lot about why this rejection stung so much. 

It wasn't because I didn’t get the job, it’s because I didn’t get the validation I was secretly seeking.

To my insecure mind, being chosen for the role would have been proof of my value. Proof that I could play with the big kids. Proof that I was stepping up my game. 


I essentially handed my agency and sense of self-worth over to the recruiters, and after examining me, they decided there were better fish to fry. 

My friend Ajiri coached me with this honesty bomb: “Zeva, you don’t need their validation, even though you feel like you do.”

Working for yourself has a million merits, but one thing it doesn’t have is a solid self-validation system. 

It’s hard to give yourself objective praise. We’re not really taught how to do that. What we are taught is how to seek validation outside of ourselves through degrees, promotions, prestigious titles and projects.

So, since I didn’t get the position, I decided to take a scalpel to the experience in search of some self-empowering lessons:

Here’s what I’ve come up with:

• Every time I decide to pursue, or am invited to participate in a project, I'm going to be really freaking honest with myself about WHY I want it. How much of it is a need for external validation? How much of it is because I really want to spend my time and energy and focus on that pursuit? If I didn’t feel the need for validation, would I still want to do that project?

• What in me needs nurturing in order to feel more self-validation? What struggles, doubts, insecurities and fears need some sweet love and attention?

• What would I allow myself to do or create if I had all of the self-validation I ever needed already within me?

As we approach the end to this crazy year and think about what’s on the horizon, the goals and pursuits we’d like to work towards, I invite you to join me in exploring these questions. 

What would it be like to have a year where you stopped chasing external validation and instead sought ways to create a deeper relationship with your internal compass, your own self-satisfaction and creative stimulation?


What would a year like that look like?


PS. I don't have all of the details yet but mark your calendars for a special 2021 Road Mapping Vision Board workshop that I'm doing on January 12th with a pretty phenomenal co-host. More info in my next newsletter, so stay tuned.