Zeva and Rachel's Anxiety Cleanse for Trying Times

Before moving to France I worked as a film researcher in NYC. My job was to scour hours of archival images in search of that special slice of recorded history for commercials, news programs, comedy shows and documentary films. 

My team created highlight reels whenever we had extra time. They were like mini works of art—curated streams of the most salient images we could find on a specific, often-requested subject. 

I loved making those reels. My favorites were “Time-Lapse Nature,” “Race to the moon,” “Early New York City” and, of course, “1970s Fashion.” But there was one reel that I made that changed my life forever: the "WWII” reel. 

We had recently received an unusual collection of amateur home movies shot in color in the mid 1930s in Vienna. The movies were taken mostly outdoors and showed the members of the family strolling around town, past storefronts, going to the park, playing in the fields. 

What was remarkable about the collection was that the color was so vivid and sharp, like it had been filmed just yesterday.  

But beyond the mesmerizing quality of the movies was the shocking content in the background.
 

It was the first time in my life that I saw swastikas and Jewish hate graffiti in their original colorful context. I didn't realize how integrated into daily life those warning signs had been. 

The pain of knowing what happened to millions of innocent families, including my own, just several years after these home movies were made was so hard for my heart to process. I think at that moment, I convinced myself that I wouldn't miss such warning signs. That if something catastrophic started to build up in my world, and threaten everything and everyone precious to me, I would notice. I would know what to do. I would know where to go. 

Fast forward to these past few weeks and the horrific unfoldings in Ukraine. My anxiety has been at a feverish high, so much so that my brilliant friend, Rachel, and I decided to do an “anxiety cleanse” during a weekend away.

During the ritual I realized that the beliefs I forged decades ago as a way to protect my deepest survivalist fears have been triggered by the current events. 

I'm sharing the ritual with you below, because it was so helpful for the two of us to move through the squeezing grip of anxious thoughts and into a more productive place—to weep, to connect, to take action. The fear of a looming catastrophe is still there but it’s no longer choking me. I can visualize the thoughts now behind a door with a big "Miserable Hellscape" sign. I know where they come from and where they will lead me. But I feel like I can keep that door closed (for now, at least) so that more constructive thoughts come my way. 

Rachel and Zeva’s Anxiety Cleanse for Trying Times

What you’ll need:

• One hour of uninterrupted time. 

• A trusted companion you can share your inner-most fearful thoughts with. (Someone with a soft heart and a strong back who can handle what you present them with and carry your burdens with you)

• A few sheets of paper that you can tear up into strips. 

• Pens

• Tissues

• Matches

Step 1:

Connect with the anxious feelings in your body, then write each anxious thought down on a separate piece of paper. I started each slip with the cue “I’m anxious about…” and then filled in the rest. Write as many thoughts as you want. There’s no limit. You don’t need to understand them. To justify them. To trace their lineage. Just get them down on paper. By the time you get to step #2 you should feel empty, like there are no more thoughts hiding in the attic of your mind. 

Step 2: 

Once you and your companion each have a nice pile of anxious thoughts in front of you, put 15 minutes on the clock (you can always opt for more time) and choose who will be reading and who will be receiving. 

Step 3:

Start the timer, take a deep breathe, and then read each separate thought out loud. Let any emotions rise to the surface. If you need a moment to pause, to cry, to breathe, take it. Have your companion ask additional questions in a search for patterns. What overall theme is appearing amid the thoughts? If you had to combine them together, label them, give them a title, what would you call them? 

Step 4:

Have your companion ask what life would look like without these thoughts pressing into you? What would that space allow you to feel? What would that space allow you to express? What would that space allow you to do? Share what comes up. Write down anything you need. 

Step 5:

Reverse roles and repeat the same process so that you are now in the receiving/listening/questioning role as your companion shares.

Step 6:

Collect your pieces of paper and find a safe space to burn them. Say a little prayer, or mantra, before you burn the thoughts. This was our prayer: “We choose to release these anxious thoughts, many of which were passed to us by previous generations as a way to protect us. We acknowledge and celebrate their wisdom, but choose to release them in order to make space for new, more hopeful and empowering thoughts to emerge.” 

Step 7:

If you’re feeling inspired, you can take the ritual a step further, and paint or draw a picture for your companion that captures the theme or energy that came up during your beautiful time together. 

Don't be afraid to catch feels

I'm feeling a lot of "feels" as I'm sure you are too right now.

Disbelief, anger, fear, disgust, grief, hope, enthusiasm, excitement.

Those emotions were all of the menu in 2020, but this week's painful, protracted American election has been serving me feels in XXXL containers.

I've flopped so quickly and deeply from one emotion extreme to the other that I've started to get very, very acquainted with the sensations my emotions create in my body.

When I think of Trump undermining the election process all of the way to the courts, that feeling of doom and despair comes through my chest like a heavy hollow swoosh. Almost like a blunt sword cutting through to my belly.

When I think of Biden's face on the cover of the The New York Times with a big "WINNER" next to his name, a joyful, fluttery swarm of green music notes fly across my chest.

Have you ever tried that before,?

Think of something and then feel that "event" emerge as a sensation in your body?

Since I learned I could deliberately think of something and then instantly feel its presence in my body I starting adding that practice to my arsenal of self-discovery tools.

The more you practice observing the invisible network of thoughts, emotions and sensations in your body, the more information you have about the patterns and triggers that set you off in one direction or another.

It's kind of like creating your own personal "Physical Feelings Glossary."

When you take the time to observe what your feelings actually FEEL like, you can assign the sensations you discover names, colors, textures, shapes.

For example, in my "Physical Feelings Glossary" I have the following entries:

• DESPAIR: A yellow hollow sword-like swoosh down my chest when I think of something truly horrific, like the demise of American democracy setting off the next World War.

• FEAR: A red, hockey-sized puck that thumps in my belly when I'm startled by a car alarm or suddenly realize I haven't sent my taxes in.

• HOPE: A fireworks display of fluttery music notes flying across my chest when I think of Biden winning.

• SERENITY: The blue tingling lightness on my skin after a mediation or yoga practice.

I love to do this exercise with my clients so that they too can create their own "Physical Feelings Glossary."

It's especially useful when you feel overwhelmed by the sudden shifts in the world.

Being able to observe those sensations without judgement makes you less reactive and more proactive.

For example, instead of immediately reacting to the feeling of fear in your belly, you can look to understand the cause of the fear. The thoughts or circumstances that are creating that feeling.

We're going to have a lot of intense feelings come up over the next few days and possible weeks, so as a "fun" exercise I invite you to try and locate those feelings in your body, give them a name, a color, a shape.

Below is a picture of mine.

It could be a fun (and useful) distraction to the addictive drama of the USA election.


PS. If you decide to create your own "Physical Sensations Glossary" and draw it or paint it or whatever, be sure to send me a picture at zeva@zevabellel.com !! I'd love to see what you come up with.

PPS. Unpacking the way thoughts, emotions and feelings shape our reactions and actions is a huge part of the coaching process. Want to know more about it? I've got some spots opening up for individual coaching so book a call if you're interested.

Not your problem

Over the last couple of years I’ve had the immense fortune of speaking with over two hundred women about what they want most in life.

From Tokyo to London by way of Montreal and Paris, the most common “problem” I hear is: “I don’t know what I want to do with the rest of my life professionally and I’m scared of making the wrong decision.”

The thoughts ricocheting inside their brains sound like this:

• “What am I legitimately good at?”

• “What do I really want to do with my life?”

• “How can I be certain that I’ll make the right decision?”

• “What’s the perfect next step for me?”

You know what l've learned from speaking with and coaching women who share such similar thoughts and feelings about their future? 

The best way to find the answer to their “problem” isn’t to dig in it, pick it apart and dissect it. Nor to hold it up on a pedestal and cower at the heels of its powerful presence.

In fact, the best way to solve the “problem” is:

1) To politely ignore it.

2) To turn the lens on the thoughts about the “problem” instead.

Basically, you solve your “problem” by questioning the questions you use to find the answers. By thinking about your thinking, you develop new ways to think. 

We all assume that our thoughts are rigid and 100% real — like permanent black marker streaks on a pale wood table top. They are alarmingly true and NOT going anywhere. 

But that’s not the case: thoughts are as nimble and flexible as you allow them to be. And the key to changing them is to start thinking about them. 

This process, called metacognition, is about stepping back and doing an audit on your thoughts. What thoughts are moving you forward? What thoughts are keeping you stuck? What thoughts would you give up if you could? What do the people you admire most think? What would it be like to think those same things? If you were giving advice to someone you love who has the same “problem” as you, what would you tell them?

“It’s so tempting to dig into the problem, or dig into the details. What you want to do is get people to think about their thinking [instead],” explains Dr. David Rock, director of the NeuroLeadership Institute and author of the best-selling books 'Your Brain at Work', 'Quiet Leadership', and 'Coaching with the Brain in Mind.’

The goal is to increase insight, meaning realizations and connections that happen internally. AHA moments. Epiphanies. “Prises de consciences,” in French. 

Those moments when a ding goes off in your brain and you suddenly see the world in a totally different way.  Not because someone gave you the answer, but because a new connection was made inside your mind that flung open a whole new set of doors. 

“What we found is that coaching conversations with insight are dramatically more likely to create real change. You think of insight as just a moment where your brain really changes in a way that releases a lot of energy, you see things differently, ” says Rock who teaches leaders how to think better and problem solve more creatively using science-backed research.

There’s literally nothing like that warm, fuzzy feeling of knowing deep in your cells that you found the answer to what you were looking for, am I right?

So next time you’re stuck on a “problem,” politely put it aside and do an audit on your thoughts around the “problem” instead. 

PS. Click here to hear the full interview with Dr. Rock on the awesome podcast The Science of Success.