Neuroscience Nuggets #2: Fantasy vs Visualization

I use images and visualization regularly in my coaching and workshops. So naturally I was thrilled to hear that my neuroscience program devoted a lesson to visualization.


But when my teacher prefaced the class by saying there was a right and very wrong way to use it, my internal doubting alarm went off.

"Yikes," I thought! "What if I’ve been doing something wrong? What if scientists scoff at it? What if it's a just a feel-good technique that doesn't really move the needle?"  

First off, reader, we can both breathe a sigh of relief. Visualization isn't going anywhere in my practice. Au contraire, it's about to get very next level. 

But let's back up the tape and get some terms straight before I tell you how: 

• Visualization is using your imagination to conjure up a future scenario that you can see in sharp detail in your mind’s eye, and even feel in your body.
  

• It can be a very powerful tool when you need to get creative, dream big, try on different versions of the life you'd like to live, and see what feels right!
  

• It can also motivate you to accomplish something super hard, messy, and meaningful (e.g. feeling the joy and relief of giving birth without an epidural; hearing your name called at the graduation ceremony after four grueling years of studying; feeling the warm, smug smile on your face after finally beating your son at tennis).
  

BUT, and this is a very important BUT, if you don’t back those delicious images up by also visualizing the process of getting to your goal, the vision simply stays a fantasy. 

According to my professor, Dr Irena O’Brien, "Fantasies can actually hinder success because they embellish future events regardless of past performance and the probability of future occurrences. Therefore, they fail to be a solid basis for acting." 

When you visualize the steps you need to take to move yourself along your path, however, you not only feel less anxious and more confident about what you need to do, you make it much more likely to achieve your goal.

By visualizing the process as opposed to just the result, you’re giving your brain a practical road map to understand and anticipate the resources needed to move you forward.

So, in a nutshell, if you want to go after something specific, you can’t just visualize the end-game, you also need to: 

• Visualize the process to get there.

• Be sure to include any potential internal or external roadblocks or temptations you might encounter along the way.

• Then come up with a plan to overcome those road blocks, or better yet, create an environment that helps you avoid them entirely (more on that in the next neuroscience nugget newsletter).

Photo courtesy Unsplash: https://unsplash.com/photos/aPNE3B0WHTM

Don't be afraid to catch feels

I'm feeling a lot of "feels" as I'm sure you are too right now.

Disbelief, anger, fear, disgust, grief, hope, enthusiasm, excitement.

Those emotions were all of the menu in 2020, but this week's painful, protracted American election has been serving me feels in XXXL containers.

I've flopped so quickly and deeply from one emotion extreme to the other that I've started to get very, very acquainted with the sensations my emotions create in my body.

When I think of Trump undermining the election process all of the way to the courts, that feeling of doom and despair comes through my chest like a heavy hollow swoosh. Almost like a blunt sword cutting through to my belly.

When I think of Biden's face on the cover of the The New York Times with a big "WINNER" next to his name, a joyful, fluttery swarm of green music notes fly across my chest.

Have you ever tried that before,?

Think of something and then feel that "event" emerge as a sensation in your body?

Since I learned I could deliberately think of something and then instantly feel its presence in my body I starting adding that practice to my arsenal of self-discovery tools.

The more you practice observing the invisible network of thoughts, emotions and sensations in your body, the more information you have about the patterns and triggers that set you off in one direction or another.

It's kind of like creating your own personal "Physical Feelings Glossary."

When you take the time to observe what your feelings actually FEEL like, you can assign the sensations you discover names, colors, textures, shapes.

For example, in my "Physical Feelings Glossary" I have the following entries:

• DESPAIR: A yellow hollow sword-like swoosh down my chest when I think of something truly horrific, like the demise of American democracy setting off the next World War.

• FEAR: A red, hockey-sized puck that thumps in my belly when I'm startled by a car alarm or suddenly realize I haven't sent my taxes in.

• HOPE: A fireworks display of fluttery music notes flying across my chest when I think of Biden winning.

• SERENITY: The blue tingling lightness on my skin after a mediation or yoga practice.

I love to do this exercise with my clients so that they too can create their own "Physical Feelings Glossary."

It's especially useful when you feel overwhelmed by the sudden shifts in the world.

Being able to observe those sensations without judgement makes you less reactive and more proactive.

For example, instead of immediately reacting to the feeling of fear in your belly, you can look to understand the cause of the fear. The thoughts or circumstances that are creating that feeling.

We're going to have a lot of intense feelings come up over the next few days and possible weeks, so as a "fun" exercise I invite you to try and locate those feelings in your body, give them a name, a color, a shape.

Below is a picture of mine.

It could be a fun (and useful) distraction to the addictive drama of the USA election.


PS. If you decide to create your own "Physical Sensations Glossary" and draw it or paint it or whatever, be sure to send me a picture at zeva@zevabellel.com !! I'd love to see what you come up with.

PPS. Unpacking the way thoughts, emotions and feelings shape our reactions and actions is a huge part of the coaching process. Want to know more about it? I've got some spots opening up for individual coaching so book a call if you're interested.

Guts you don't regret

Tis the season of report cards, graduation ceremonies, and mid-year reviews. A time to appreciate the gradual yet often excruciating achievements of the year (like future tense conjugations in French).

It’s also the time when a big day shows up in my calendar. Not my birthday or wedding anniversary or my kids' birthdays. None of that. 

It’s July 6th. The day I did something so scary I literally thought my heart would explode in my chest. Even thinking about it now makes me quiver a bit. 

On July 6th, 1999, I boarded a one-way flight from NYC to Paris, leaving behind my family, my friends, my boyfriend, my four cats, my job, my apartment, and my beloved Brooklyn. 


And for no real reason.


I mean, there were reasons. But they weren’t life-or-death reasons. This wasn’t anything like the exoduses my ancestors took to save their skin generations ago. 

It was just that I had this nagging feeling in my belly, this constant, flickering sensation since childhood that I had to live in Paris. 

And I knew that if I didn’t listen to this feeling I’d get sucked into the rat race of life in NYC and regret not making a move forever. 

So I wrangled up everything I had in me and boarded that plane. The poor woman sitting to my right was so worried about my whimpering that I told her the broad strokes of my story. Reassuring her that everything, really, was ok. That I was doing something I wanted more than anything, it’s just that I was a total emotional wreck.   

I landed in Paris the next morning and calmed down the minute I spotted my friend Jessica at the arrival gate. Jessica and I went to college together and did our Junior year abroad in Paris at the same time. She wasted no time sticking around the states after graduation and came right back to Paris where she met her soon-to-be husband Charles at film school.

They were the ones that made my Paris experiment a reality. Charles lugged my giant suitcase up the four flights of stairs to their cute flat on rue Leon Blum in the 11th and they set me up on their living room coach for as long as I needed. 

Every morning I’d wake up with a view of the gorgeous building across the street and marvel at the shirtless JFK Jr look-a-like who paced around his apartment all day.  

I needed no more convincing, this was where I belonged. 

For the next few weeks Charles and Jessica took me everywhere they went. We ate charcuterie and drank pitchers of cheap red wine at the local bistrots while I noted down bizarre French idiomatic expressions in my little carnet. We went to the public pools during the heat wave. We dodged the firecrackers thrown at our feet while heading across Place de la Bastille on Bastille Day. We bought some cheap tickets to Corsica and rented a little hut on the beach and made refried beans in a shoddy casserole to save our money—for more wine! 

I felt like I was living someone else’s life. I had no strings on me. No obligations. No job. No apartment. And my French was a disaster.


There were definitely moments of “WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING?” panic.

But I was doing it any way. Taking it one day at a time with a mix of queasy fear and determination to make the most of it!

It’s been 20 years since I boarded that plane.

It was the scariest thing I’ve ever done. And by far the most important decision of my life. 

I’m dying to know, what’s the scariest thing you’ve every done that you’re grateful for today? 

That when you think about it you say, “I’m so damn proud I had the guts to do that!” 

Just hit reply and let me know. 

Five Empowering Life Lessons From Michelle Obama (That You May Have Missed)

I’ve had Michelle Obama in my ears for the last month. In the morning as I walk to work, doing my groceries on the way home, heading off to meet friends for dinner, on the park bench while watching my kids play soccer.

She’s become a trusted advisor. A wisdom whisperer. A funny pal. Her impeccably articulated stories now etched into my day-to-day memories.

In the fifteen hours that I’ve listened to her a few key moments stand out. Not the rousing moments woven into her sold-out live book tour performances (that I loved, BTW!), but softer moments.

Subtle and quiet, they show shifts in perspective as Michelle takes more and more responsibility for her own happiness and fulfilment.

Learning how to take charge of your own happiness and fulfilment is a theme that means a lot to me. Why? Because it’s the bedrock of the coaching journey—the springboard that creates big leaps forward.

So in a celebration of subtle springboards, I present you with:

Michelle Obama’s Five Discreet Life Lessons On Taking Charge Of Your Own Happiness and Fulfilment (That Didn’t Make It To The Book Tour)

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Lesson 1: If You Want To Find Your True Self You First Have To Stop Worrying About What Other People Think Of You

Michelle Obama lived the first 28 years of her life as a happy control freak, following a strict recipe of hard work and determination. Even her stuffed animals were stiff. When the question “Am I good enough?,” regularly popped up in her head, she pushed herself even harder to prove her worth to others. Following a success-driven path on a straight-and-narrow road landed her in the corner office of a swanky law firm with the prospect of climbing even higher up the lawerly ladder. But then she met Barack, a late to meetings, unpredictable, out-of-the-box thinker with a wild drive and no clear path. Falling for Barack was a challenge ideologically and emotionally. It meant rebelling against predictability. Against the establishment. Against the perfection impression she hoped to project. Allowing herself to fall in love with him was the start of her swerve off the predictable path into a windy, challenging, imperfect, but deeply more satisfying one.

In Michelle’s Words:

"This may be the fundamental problem with caring a lot about what others think: It can put you on the established path—the my-isn’t-that-impressive path—and keep you there for a long time. Maybe it stops you from swerving, from ever even considering a swerve, because what you risk losing in terms of other people’s high regard can feel too costly."

Lesson 2: The Silver Lining To Loss (Of Any Kind) Is That It Can Reframe What’s Really Important

When I lost my father-in-law unexpectedly to a sudden heart attack it knocked me out of a self-pity funk. A few months before he passed away I lost my job of 7 years in a huge corporate restructuring and Trump had just won the American election. The world was going down the drain and I clearly had no say in the matter. My father-in-law’s death shook me out of my “woe is me” mindset. In an instant I realized how much of the crap we worry about doesn’t matter. If life can be over just like that, what am I doing with mine? Am I doing something really meaningful? If I died tomorrow, what would I be remembered for? Michelle lost two treasured people, her dad and her beloved college friend in the same year. That deep loss jolted her right out of her corporate job not knowing what lay ahead. Her experience resonated with mine and many of the clients I see who come looking for more clarity about their purpose after a loss of some kind (a burnout, a divorce, a death in the family, etc). While not the ideal wake-up call, loss definitely helps take stock of what matters and gets you moving!

In Michelle’s Words:

“Losing my dad exacerbated my sense that there was no time to sit around and ponder how life should go. My father was just 55 when he died, Suzanne had been 26. The lesson there was simple: life is short and not to be wasted. If I died, I didn’t want people remembering me for the stacks of legal briefs I’d written or the corporate trademarks I’d help defend. I felt certain that I had something more to offer the world, it was time to make a move. “

Lesson 3: When Looking For Your Next Career — Get Out Of Your Head, Reach Out, Meet People, Ask Questions And Connect Dots

Change is scary, especially when you want it badly but don’t know what it consists of. That’s what typically keeps people stuck. They wait for the perfect road to unfold in their mind before they dare to step foot on it. But the truth is that clarity comes from action. Period. If you don’t get out of your head, you’re never going anywhere. That’s why I LOVE what Michelle did when she decided to leave her job. All she knew was that she had spent her entire life working to become a lawyer, and that now that she was one, she no longer wanted to practice law. That realization could have frozen her in fear. “Who am I going to be in 20 years? What’s the perfect profession? What if I’m all wrong? What if no one ever wants to hire me? What if I need to go back to school? What will people call me? What will I call myself?” Instead of worrying about all of that, she just got moving. She typed up dozens of letters of introduction to interesting people at foundations, universities and non-profits all over Chicago asking them if they’d meet for lunch or an informational meeting. It was the beginning of an informational treasure hunt. By meeting people, sharing her story, and quizzing people on what they did, she opened up many unexpected doors that she was then able to decide whether to go through, or not.

In Michelle’s Words:

“I put myself in front of anyone I thought might be able to give me advice. The point was less to find a new job, than to widen my understanding of what was possible and how others had gone about it. I was realizing that the next phase of my journey would not simply unfold on its own, that my fancy academic degrees weren’t going to automatically lead me to fulfilling work. Finding a career as opposed to a job wouldn’t just come from perusing the contact pages of an alumna directory, it required deeper thought and effort. I would need to hustle and learn. And so again and again, I laid out my professional dilemma for the people I met, quizzing them on what they did and whom they knew. I asked earnest questions about what kind of work might be available to a lawyer who didn’t in fact want to practice law.”

Lesson 4: To Change The Big Picture, Start By Focusing On The Things In Your Control

Post-marital, post-partum life for the young Obama couple wasn’t easy. In fact it was heading for disaster. Barack was out of town several days each week in another state as a senator, leaving Michelle to raise two small girls essentially solo while also holding down a full-time job. Each Thursday she and the girls would wait up for Barack to drive three hours home for dinner, only to fall asleep at the table because he always arrived late. The Obamas found themselves in couple’s counselling, Michelle certain their therapist would see that Barack was 100% responsible for their problems. But that’s not what happened. No validating happened, no sides were taken. During counselling Michelle realized that she had be so preoccupied with Barack’s shortcomings that she had lost sight of what changes to her happiness were in her own reach. How she could set new boundaries and limits that worked for her and the girls. So she took hold of the reigns and created her own frame for happiness, and invited Barack to assume his share of responsibility if he wanted to be in it.

In Michelle’s Words:

“It was possible I was more in charge of my happiness that I was allowing myself to be.”

“This was my pivot point. My moment of self-arrest. Like a climber about to slip off an icy peak. I drove my axe into the ground. That isn’t to say that Barack didn’t make his own adjustments, counselling helped him to see the gaps in how we communicated and he worked to be better at it. But I made mine and they helped me, which then helped us”

“I installed new boundaries, ones that worked better for me and the girls. We made our schedule and stuck to it. ...It went back to my wishes for them to grow up strong and centered and also unaccommodating to any form of old-school patriarchy: I didn’t want them ever to believe that life began when the man of the house arrived home. We didn’t wait for Dad. It was his job now to catch up with us.”

Lesson 5: You Can’t Be What You Can’t See (Aka: Use Visualization To Reach Higher)

Michelle uses visualization time and time again to help others reach higher, to imagine a future that stretches their imagination. As First Lady she visited schools in underprivileged communities regularly, targeting girls in particular. She’d share her story of growing up in a modest neighborhood with limited means in order to connect with those goals. To create a real life anchor, a reference, in order to then show them where they could go from there. She did so not only figuratively, but literally. She invited the girls to Oxford, then brought them to the White House for an up-close-in-your-face look inside the walls of privilege. To unpack the reality of it. Break it down into something more familiar, so that the young girls could project themselves onto that screen. This process is all about creating fuel through familiarity and proximity, and it’s a cornerstone of drive and motivation, whatever the goal may be.

In Michelle’s Words

“I made a point of writing letters to the girls from the Elizabeth Garrett Anderson school in London who had so profoundly moved me, urging them to stay hopeful and keep working despite their lack of privilege. In 2011 I had taken a group of 37 girls from the school to visit the University of Oxford, bringing not the high achievers but students whose teachers thought they weren’t yet reaching their potential. The idea was to give them a glimpse of what was possible. To show them what a reach could yield. In 2012, I hosted students from the school at the White House during the British Prime Minister’s state visit. I felt it was important to reach out to kids multiple times and in multiple ways in order for them to feel that it was all real.”

Action Items:

• Which one of these lessons resonates the most with you?

• How could you use it to create more happiness and fulfilment in your life?

• What three small changes could you make in your life today to take more control of your happiness and fulfilment?

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How to get over self-sabotaging thoughts and feelings? Part 3 of 3.

This is the final instalment of a three-part series about limiting beliefs: how to identify them, uncover their emotional power, and ultimately transform them into thoughts that “spark joy" and help you move forward with meaning. Click here to read the first part and here to read the second part. 

A bow-tied Jiminy Cricket with a head full of question marks

A black, viscous, oily splotch 

An oval face with empty eyes and a gaping mouth

A green carnival mask 

Are these clues from a dated detective board game? 

Or elusive fragments from an epic dream?

All good guesses, but they’re actually illustrations of limiting beliefs drawn by some of my clients. 

And they play a critical role in how to send your self-sabotaging thoughts and emotions packing in order to free up space for those that spark joy instead.  


Before we get into that, let's recap what we’ve uncovered in these last two blog posts:

• We learned how to detect thoughts and beliefs that are self-sabotaging and fear-based.

• We learned how those thoughts and beliefs trigger emotions and then actions.

I’m not sure which beliefs you’d like to transform, but let’s play with one that many women hear with the volume on full-blast. 

“I’m not good enough.”

Did you know that if women don’t feel 100% qualified for a position they won’t apply for it, while men apply if they think they meet just 60% of the job criteria?

That’s exactly how a limiting belief like “I’m not good enough” can translate into emotions such as fear and insecurity which then trigger actions (or inaction in this case). 

So how do we go about unraveling that belief, or at least diminishing its grip on our lives?

Step 1: Investigate

Let’s say you hear “I’m not good enough” on loop in your mind. Your mission now is to slip into the shoes of a detective—impartial but passionate—and learn everything you can about this sentence as if your job depends on it.

• When exactly does it pop up?

• What are you doing when you hear it? 

• What are you doing right before you hear it?

• What does it actually sound like? 

• Who’s voice is speaking?

• What are the characteristics of the voice?

• How familiar is it? 

• What color is it?

• What shape is it?

• Who shows up in your life in the way that this voice does?
  
  

Step 2:  Draw

Once you have as much information as you can possibly gather about this belief, where it likes to hang out, when it decides to pop up, what it sounds like, what it smells like, what it looks like, from its color to its shape and size. When you have all of those details figured out, go ahead and draw it. 

Step 3: Absorb

So what does “I’m not good enough” look like? 

• Is it fat or skinny?

• Is it liquid or solid? 

• Is it an amorphose blob?

• A familiar face?

• A TV character?

• Is it an object?

• Is it an animal?

• Is it large and looming, or can you fit it in your pocket?

Whatever it is, welcome it. Without judgement or disgust. And see what sensations come up in your body when you look at it.

Step 4: Listen 

Now that you’ve gotten really comfortable with this new character and the sensations it creates when you’re around it, the next step is to listen to what it really has to say. Treat it like a friend that you haven’t seen for a while and that you’re excited to catch up with. Here are some of the questions you can ask it:

• What are you doing here?

• What do you want me to know?

• What are you most concerned about?

• What are you trying to protect me from?

• What do you need from me?

Step 4: Share

Now that you know what keeps this voice up at night, what pushes its buttons, what it’s trying to protect you from, and how it most wants to be reassured, let it know that you’ve heard and respected its message. And it's your turn now to speak. 

• What do you want to tell it? 

• What does it need to know about how its presence is impacting your life? 

• What is it preventing you from doing?

• How can you can co-exist as partners?

• How can the voice continue to look out for you without holding you back?

Step 5: Transform

Bravo! You’ve successfully transformed your limiting belief from an all-controlling, fear-inducing, action-sabotaging mystery into a defined persona with needs and wants of its own. It's now a character that you can interact with, and potentially cohabitate with. Maybe it’s even donned a cute little Jiminy Cricket outfit, or a dazzling green mask. 

But do you want to keep it in your wardrobe of beliefs? Does it truly spark joy?

If it doesn’t, then what belief could take its place? 

Let’s go back to “I’m not good enough” as an example. 

Here are some beliefs that you could swap it for while still respecting its legacy:

“I’m getting better at this.”

“There’s a really good chance I can do this.”

“I’m excited to try this out.”

“I want to see where this goes.”

“This is part of my process.”

“I can go at my own pace.”

“If I stumble, I can get back up”

“I’m not alone.”

Step 6: Scan for Joy
What emotions and sensations do those beliefs bring up? How do they feel in your body? You like what they're doing for you? You more comfortable, relaxed, confident? Are you moving around with a bit more ease?

Do a scan and really absorb what's going on in your body and remember this: you have the ability to change the beliefs in your mind. So there's no reason to settle for a belief that keeps you cut-off and restricted from your best self. You can't afford it. This world can't afford it. Eh Voila! 

Alrighty! I hope you’ve enjoyed this series as much as I have had researching and writing it. I’d love any feedback about which of these posts (if any) have resonated with you. And please definitely let me know if you’ve swapped out any of your beliefs for ones that spark more joy in the wardrobe of your mind.

How to get a full-body YES when making a big life decision

I pulled out a black-and-white marble notebook and drew a big line down the center of a page.  

It was Spring of 1992 and I was a Senior in High School. My mom, step-dad and my best friend Helen were with me celebrating at Fiorentino’s, the best Italian restaurant (RIP) in all of Brooklyn.

We had just finished off a couple of orders of “spiedini alla romana,” the deep-fried mozzarella with anchovy sauce that the restaurant was famous for and that I still dream about to this day.  

And now it was time to get down to some serious business before our main dishes arrived. Deciding which college I would go to the following year. 

So we did what most people do when faced with an enormous, once-in-a-lifetime decision: a pros and cons list! 

What a concise and curious way of making a huge life decision, don't you think?

• We challenge ourselves to get really, really cerebral and serious about a decision.

• We write down a bunch of items in each column in a factual, dissociated way.

• We diligently count up the number on each side. 

• We make a decision based on the column that has the highest score.

• We stick to that decision OR scrap it all and decide what we really want to do. 

• And we try to complete the task all before the check arrives!

Even though I’m pretty certain I made the right move when it came to college, as a coach I’ve learned that pros and cons lists are terribly flawed because they often neglect the physical and emotional components of decision making.


A better way to “experience” a decision is to travel into the future and try it on for size, looking for clues to what its impact may be from an emotional, physical and intellectual perspective.

When it comes to making full-body decisions I’ve seen my clients have huge revelations with the “sit and scan” technique we do together. 

So, what’s the “sit and scan” technique, how does it blow pros and cons lists out of the water, and how can you learn the steps to make full-body YES decisions all on your own?

Read on to find out.

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Imagine that each chair here represents a different life choice. Have a seat and see what comes up.

What’s the “sit and scan” technique?

Instead of simply using your rational mind to guide your choices, the “sit and scan” technique lets you experience your emotional, mental and physical impressions/reactions to a future scenario. 


How does it work?

The technique uses visualization to “travel through time” while actually sitting still. By projecting yourself into the future you can scan your body for what your feeling, saying and doing at two distinct moments in time. 

1. The moment right after you’ve made a decision.

2. Six months after making the decision. 

When the best moment to use this technique?

When you have 2 distinct choices that you’re struggling between. For example:

• Whether to accept a job with a prestigious brand with questionable management or go to the less illustrious tech company whose product you’re less passionate about. 

• Whether to switch companies and accept a position that has more responsibility and a higher pay while leaving a company that you’ve known for years. 

• Whether to take an ambitious promotion internally and jeopardize the work/life balance you’ve worked years to achieve. 

• Whether to leave a profession that makes you miserable but that you’ve worked decades to build, or to launch out on your own and start your own company. 

• Whether to accept a freelance gig with a former employer that you have a unhealthy relationship with, or say no and focused on the internal work you’re doing to uncover a new professional path. 

What materials do I need?

• Two equally comfortable chairs in a quiet space. 

• A notebook or voice recorder.

• A good hour of time ahead of you. 

• A friend or coach who stands nothing to gain from the outcome of your decision. 

What are the different steps?

Step 1:

Imagine that one chair represents Option A and the other Option B. 

Step 2:

Go sit in Chair A.

Close your eyes and visualize everything that is happening from the point of view of having just chosen that option. 

You’ve made the decision. Now answer the following questions: 

• How does your body feel?

• What is your breathing like?

• Do you sense any tension anywhere in your body? 

• If so, where? 

• If not, what are you feeling?

• What do you see?

• What do you hear?

• Who are you with?

• What are you thinking right now?

• What are your biggest concerns?

• How has your decision affected your entourage?

• What changes have taken place?

• What changes will take place?

• What excites you?

• What scares you?

• If you could improve anything about your current situation, what would that be?

Step 3: 

Stay in the same chair. But this time project yourself 6 months into the future. You made the decision to go with Option A six months ago. Now answer the following questions:

• How do you feel right now?

• What’s going on in your body?

• What are you saying to yourself?

• How do you feel about what’s happened over the last six months?

• What’s changed in your life?

• What’s remained the same?

• How has your entourage been impacted by your decision?

• What surprised you about the way things have unfolded?

• What have you learned about yourself?

• What do you wish had happened differently?

• If you could improve anything about your current situation, what would that be?

Step 4: 

Go sit in Chair B.

Close your eyes and visualize everything that is happening from the point of view of having just chosen that option. 

You’ve made the decision. Now answer the following questions: 

• How does your body feel?

• What is your breathing like?

• Do you sense any tension anywhere in your body? 

• If so, where? 

• If not, what are you feeling?

• What do you see?

• What do you hear?

• Who are you with?

• What are you thinking right now?

• What are your biggest concerns?

• How has your decision affected your entourage?

• What changes have taken place?

• What changes will take place?

• What excites you?

• What scares you?

• If you could improve anything about your current situation, what would that be?

Step 5:

Stay in the same chair. But this time project yourself 6 months into the future. You made the decision to go with Option A six months ago. Now answer the following questions:

• How do you feel right now?

• What’s going on in your body?

• What are you saying to yourself?

• How do you feel about what’s happened over the last six months?

• What’s changed in your life?

• What’s remained the same?

• How has your entourage been impacted by your decision?

• What surprised you about the way things have unfolded?

• What have you learned about yourself?

• What do you wish had happened differently?

• If you could improve anything about your current situation, what would that be?

Now what?

Only you can tell at this point which option, if any, feels right! You never know, there may be a third, fourth, or fifth option to consider if neither of the scenarios you’ve explored give you a full-body YES! 

Taboo vaccines and fear inoculations

She looked down at the screaming woman’s face and instantly felt her stomaching tightening up into a tense little knot.  

The fierce and wild expression seemed out of place with all of the softer pictures and words in her collage.

Like someone else had stuck it there by accident, or worse, glued it there intentionally to make her sick.

Over the last few weeks I’ve done four vision board workshops and spoke with dozens of women about what they see in their collages.

Each collage is made up of cut-out images and words that my clients choose quickly and then edit and arrange on their boards with care.

When the collages are all done and everyone has started talking about the lovely things they see in their boards, I shift speed and throw out a doozy of a question. 

What part of the collage makes you feel uncomfortable?

That was the question I asked that led us to “the scream.”

The question hits hard, especially since all of the other questions are as sweet and cuddly as a basket full of puppies. 

It’s my favorite question. (And no, I’m not a sadist.)

So, why do I love that question so much?

What we recoil from and find irritating, repulsive or just flat out unacceptable (mostly in others) is the proverbial “pot of goal” of personal development. 

It helps us uncover a desire or need that seems totally off-limits to us. Unauthorized. Unorthodox. Taboo. 

Watching others nonchalantly behave in that taboo way feels like nails across a chalkboard. Just plain wrong! 

But, you want what, it’s not about them, it’s about you. 

The reason that image or behavior shocks us is because we need a little bit of it in our lives. Let me explain.

Like a vaccine shot to protect us from getting deathly ill, we need a little bit of what repulses us to balance out the rest. 

What we can’t stand in others is what we’re missing (to a certain degree) in ourselves. 

Here are some examples:

Repulsion: That “pretentious snob” of a co-worker who’s loud and outspoken in meetings even though his ideas are so basic and boring.

Vaccine: Accepting imperfection. 

Next steps Don’t kill your ideas before they’ve hatched. Share them even when you’re not 100% convinced others will appreciate them. 

Repulsion: That “selfish” and “insensitive” friend who always arrives late. Always. And never apologizes for it. 

Vaccine: Living in the present. 

Next steps: What’s most important to you right now? If there were no consequences to any of your decisions, what would you decide to do?

Repulsion: That “rigid” co-worker who’s “inflexibility” and “hesitation” keeps everything stuck in standstill.   

Vaccine: Slowing down the process. 

Next steps: What would happen if you slowed down the process and embraced the journey without racing to the destination? 

You see where I’m going with this?

Now let’s get back to that screaming face in the first sentence of this post. What did my client find so repulsive about it? 

As a new entrepreneur starting out in the wellness business, it was a reminder of how scared she is about speaking publicly about her new profession and how terrified she is that she’ll never get over her insecurities.

What she realized during the workshop was that the scream symbolizes brazenness, intensity, determination. The exact qualities, in vaccine-size-doses, that she needs to develop in order to live off of what she loves. 

It boils down to identifying (and accepting), rather than reacting to and recoiling from what makes us uncomfortable, like the dragons in this famous Rainer Maria Rilke quote:

“How could we forget those ancient myths that stand at the beginning of all races—the myths about dragons that at the last moment are transformed into princesses. Perhaps all the dragons in our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us act, just once, with beauty and courage. Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest essence, something helpless that wants our love.”

Where does this mean for you?

• Next time you have a strong reaction/repulsion to someone’s behavior, move beyond the “EEK” feeling and try and see what bothers you so much. 

• What has this person allowed themselves to do/be that offends you so much ?

• When you peel back the onion, what permission in its purest form is at the root of their behavior (honesty, spontaneity, self-love )?

• What vaccine-size-dose of that permission could you inject yourself with?

• What one thing could you try differently now that you’ve been inoculated?

Keep me posted on what you uncover, and if you want to go further and tackle some more of taboos, reach out and book a call with me.

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Photo by Gabriel Matula on Unsplash

Like bad ass flowing water

I reluctantly turned down a perfect margarita on the rocks at the lively Mexican restaurant we were dining at. I had to drive the whole kit and caboodle back to my mom's house in upstate NY and the roads are tricky there at night. 

It was a good thing I didn't indulge.

Fifteen minutes into our drive we had to shut off the radio, get the kids to stop fighting and seriously focus on the road because we were suddenly caught in a thunderstorm so intense it felt like an end-of-the-world action film.

I’ve never seen that much water fall that hard and that quickly. And for miles and miles and miles. I kept my calm for the kids but I was freaking the hell out. 

It reminded me how bad ass water can be. It’s super discreet until it’s totally not. And it never seems to try that hard. 

It doesn't second guess itself and wonder:

"How am I going to get around this thing?” 

“Is this too much?” 

“Am I allowed to be here?“

"Should I be doing it this way?"

Nope. It just flows. Over, through, around or in-between with a force that’s relentless, rhythmic, mesmerizing. 

I’m fascinated by the concept of “flow.” Being in it. Watching it. Seeing what comes out of it. 

My favorite part of my visualization workshop is when the group arranges their cut-out imagery on their vision boards with my R&B play list going on in the background. 

Everyone's so focused and absorbed by what they’re doing there’s this humming flow to their movements. With little time to question their moves, they just have to go with what feels right. 

Like bad ass flowing water. 

When we behave like water we learn a lot about what we naturally migrate towards. 

What we do when we are at our intuitive best. When everything feels totally in sync and easy and fluid. 

For me that happens on a few specific occasions. 

• When I cook. 
• When I converse. 
• When I walk. 
• When I coach.
• When I write. 

We so often over-complicate things. Try to force ourselves to be or become someone that we’re not. But what if there was less friction and more flow to our goals and our desires?

Try that idea on for size if you want with these questions:

• In what three situations do you intuitively know what to do?
• What's going on in those moments? 
• How does it feel to be there?
• How often do you allow yourself to go there?
• What would happen if you strengthened that flow in you?
• Where would that get you?

PS. Speaking of "flow," there’s a three-hour Life Flow exercise that I love that clarifies desires based on natural tendencies, strengths and passions. At the end of the experience you’ll know exactly what steps you need to take right now to bring your goals to life.  

I don’t usually offer Life Flow as a stand-alone coaching exercise, but it’s a great tool to get through the overwhelm of Fall in order to find your footing to move ahead with confidence during this tricky time of the year. 

Book a free discovery call to learn more about my Life Flow experience (price 340€) 

How I Got Over My Fear Of Cold Showers Using Visualization

Minutes after the French won their nail-biting match against Argentina during the World Cup, my husband noticed a giant water splotch the shape of Russia on our carpet. 
 

We looked at it and immediately blamed it on our 2-year old. He’s at an age where he will only drink from big cups and when he does he opens his mouth so wide that he spills 89% of the water on himself and the ground. He refuses to go with a smaller cup.  #toddlerdetermination #whyaretheylikethis

But after 30 minutes that water splotch started to brazenly conquer new land. We ran over to the hot water heater, felt the ground, and realized we had a huge problem. We had a leaky tank and it was the weekend and no repair service was open. 
 

My husband is pretty handy. He figured out how to stop the leak, shut off the electricity on the heater while keeping the cold water running in the house. So we have water, thank god, but it is cold as a cucumber. 

Now, as I said, Paris is having a heatwave so it’s not like we’re freezing our tushies off in the house. But still, a cold shower is a cold shower, and I don’t like cold. In fact I hate the cold. Hate it, hate it, hate it. HATE it! My 25% Greek genes are to blame for my extreme intolerance. 

Thinking of showering in cold water (with not even a little warm water to cheat) makes my shoulders bolt up and my chest heave in. 

I immediately think of Surprise Lake Camp in Cold Springs, NY, the summer day camp that I went to as a pre-teen. I signed up for swimming class there (like a fool) and we often had to practice early morning when the lake was super cold. I remember that horrible feeling of jumping in, my breath seizing up for a couple of seconds before I got used to the temperature. It was the worst feeling. 

Well that was what I felt again when I thought about my upcoming shower. 

My husband’s advice about my impeding shower was to just go for it. Not to dance around and delay the torture, just embrace it. 


I didn’t like that idea. So I texted my friend Lili who has been very vocal on her blog about her daily cold shower ritual. I told her my situation and asked her advice about how to do the cold shower in a more gentle and humane way. 

Her instructions were totally compelling, clear and easy to follow. 
 

• Massage your body with oil before getting in the shower
• Introduce the cold water to your feet and hands first
• Work the water up to your chest
• Breath deeply and then scream if you have to!
• Then shower your back, arm pits, arms, etc :) 
• Don’t direct water to your thighs (they have a lot of veins, and you don’t want a flush of blood there)
• Don’t let the water go above your chin
• Wash your head/hair in a sink with warm water (boiled in my case)
• Feel amazing and alive after your shower. 

So, I've been following her instructions to a T since and I have to say I feel like a million bucks afterwards. My skin is silken smooth, taught and tingly in a good way for hours . 

Why should you care about my cold shower story? Well because the whole process is a great example of how visualization works. 
 

• We often fear the unknown because the experience we predict reminds us of something we already lived through and didn’t enjoy. (e.g. swimming early morning in a cold lake at sleepaway camp)
   
• We think we can’t possible get over our fear because we are just built that way and lack the resources. (e.g. my Greek genes making me unable to like cold).
   
• By imagining someone else, someone not so different from us, even an ideal version of ourselves overcome that challenge, we start to realize that there might in fact be a way to move ahead (e.g. remembering Lili's love of showers)
   
• By projecting into the future, and then retro-planning how to get there, our brain becomes more familiar with the task (e.g. preloading Lili's step-by-step action plan)
   
• Our excitement to accomplish our end goal helps us find the motivating and energy to get us there (e.g. the excitement of feeling alive and amazing after shower)

So next time you’re confronted with a challenge that chills you to the core try to find the root of the feeling. 

And know there there is someone in the world that overcame a similar obstacle. How were they able to do it? What action steps did they take? How could you do the same? How would that feel once you overcame your fear?

What shower challenge you're working through right now?  Write a comment below or email me directly at zeva@zevebellel.com and let me know what you've got going on!