Neuroscience Nuggets #8: Who Am I This Time?

Have you ever found yourself deep in a Netflix binge wondering why you boomerang back night after night? 

Well that’s what it’s felt like for me the last few weeks, only the Netflix series I’ve been binging on is my past. 

Since the world reopened to travel, my mind has been accumulating massive mileage traveling back and forth in a time spiral, digging up old memories of people, situations and places that I haven’t visited in years. 

Why now? Is it middle age settling in? Or is there some secret message I’m supposed to decrypt on the great memory train I keep finding myself on?

These questions and the overarching theme of "nostalgia" have been my obsession for the last three weeks, and my fascination has led me to this neuroscience nugget that I’m excited to share with you today. 

Recent brain imaging has shown that thinking about our past self is the same as when we're thinking about another person!


That's right, when our brain consciously reflects on older versions of ourselves, it's akin to watching someone else's life unfold.


It’s the brain’s way of distinguishing “me-today” from “not-me-anymore,” which makes space for a more fluid, context-dependent narrative about who we are as we progress in time. 

This especially occurs following significant personal shifts, like changing jobs, schools, relationships, and, in my case, changing country, culture and language!

What that means is that from one moment to the next, we really do leave a part of ourselves behind. 

When I asked my neuroscience professor why this temporal-identity distancing might make sense from an evolutionary perspective, she said “It allows us to be better attuned to what we need in our lives today.” Makes sense, right?

Wallowing in the past can be an easy refuge from the stressors and responsibilities of today’s prolonged pandemic (and I must admit that’s what’s made my binge so addictive), but we can get much more out of the mileage. 

How about, when we find ourselves in a nostalgia tunnel, we ask ourselves:  "What energy from past versions of myself do I want more or less of in my life today?"  

In my case, that question has brought up some very interesting discoveries. 

1. That I’ve been hovering over my kid's school life in a hyper protective way with the same kind of controlling energy that consumed me decades ago when I tried to help a close friend academically.

2. That I want to experience the thrill of pouring myself into a complex challenge without knowing where it will take me. 

3. That I have the stamina and focus to buckle down with a long-haul writing project as long as I’m curious about what I’m learning along the way. 

4. That I desperately miss the days of my "no-longer-me" youth when my crew of friends and I would turn every gathering into a raucous dance party heavy on Stevie Wonder and Chaka Khan. 

That’s all I’ve got on this neuroscience nugget today but I feel there's more in there to explore.

In the meantime, what about you? What does your “not-me-anymore” self have to share with your “me-today” self about what you want more or less of in your future?

Hit me up and let me know!

PS. I borrowed the name for this post from one of my favorite sleeper movies ever, a short story film with Christopher Walken and Susan Sarandon called "Who Am I This Time," based on a Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. short story. It's brilliant, check it out.

Client Profile: Emilie Ghidalia goes from bookkeeper to biographer

“Have your clients really been able to shift gears and do something totally different with their lives? 

I frequently get asked this question during my discovery calls with potential clients and I absolutely love it because it oozes with equal parts fear, excitement and envy. 

“Oh, sweetie,” I think to myself, “Where do I begin?”

Should I talk about the fashion editor who became a fitness instructor? 

The global talent agency exec who became a wellness entrepreneur?

The marketing director who launched a sustainable retail communications agency?

The urban architect who became a weaver?

Or the civil servant who became a psychic healer?

Not all of my clients go all Lightning McQueen on me, slamming the brakes on their current career to twist the wheel in a completely different direction. 

But many of them do. And just for the record when they do veer it’s always a gradual transformation, never like waking up in the skin one morning of a completely different person.

There’s something about those transformation stories that’s miraculous and mesmerizing. Which is why I want to share the story of Emilie Ghidalia. 

Emilie came into my office several years ago excited to start coaching but was up front with me about her doubts. Deep down she was convinced that she was doomed to continue working as an accountant because she had no ideas about anything else she could do. Period. Nothing up there. No creativity. She was a worrier, a planner, not a dreamer.

In the rare moments when a baby idea did pop into her brain, a little pesky voice would snap to attention and leap 72 steps into the future. Telling her all of the reasons why her idea was disastrous, dangerous, risky. (She later named the voice N72, and drew him as a miniature concierge in a three-piece-suit and bow-tie). 

During our process examining and loosening the grip on those limiting beliefs and her relationship with N72, Emile waltzed into my office one day and announced that she had an idea and she knew it was the right one. 

She wanted to become a family biographer.

She has always loved to write, was fascinated by people’s stories and felt that everyone had the right to have their story told. 

So, in honor of sharing stories, please read this special interview with Emilie (en français) about her fascinating professional shift and her faithful (but less troublesome) side-kick N72.  

Interview with Emilie Ghidalia

Qu’est ce que tu fais comme métier et depuis combien de temps?

Aujourd’hui j’exerce deux professions. Mon « ancien » métier, Responsable Administratif et Financier dans une PME, mais que j’ai pimpé et mon nouveau métier. Je continue d’exercer cette profession, car actuellement c’est ce qui me permet de payer mon loyer, mais en free lance (vive la liberté !). En parallèle, depuis un peu plus d’un an, j’exerce le métier de biographe familiale. J’espère pouvoir basculer à temps plein vers ce travail d’écriture mais, pour le moment, cette double casquette me convient assez bien.

C’est quoi exactement une biographe familiale? 

Mon travail de biographe familiale consiste à recueillir la parole d’inconnus qui souhaitent laisser une trace de leur histoire. Pour eux-même. Pour leur famille. Parfois pour le public. Ensemble, nous co-écrivons l’histoire de leur vie.

C'est un virage assez radical de ton activité avant de commencer ton coaching? Quelles étapes clés t’ont amené vers ta nouvelle activité?

Le coaching tout entier a été l’étape clé ! Plus précisément, dans le coaching, ce qui m’a « débloquée » a été d’apprendre à croire qu’il y avait une solution (je pensais sincèrement que j’étais un cas désespéré, qu'il fallait que je me résigne à passer ma vie à exercer un métier qui ne me convenait plus) en laissant (autant que faire se peut) mes angoisses de côté, définir clairement les contours de mon métier « rêvé » en le dissociant de mon métier "fantasmé"  et comprendre qu’elles étaient mes compétences. J’avais une image différente de ce que je valais et de ce dont j’étais capable. 

Avant de commencer ton coaching est ce que tu connaissais déjà le métier du biographe? 

Je me suis rappelée après coup en avoir vaguement entendu parlé lors d’un micro reportage au JT, des années auparavant. L’info avait du rester dans un coin de ma tête.

Concrètement, comment cela se passes-t-il un projet de biographie? Quel est une journée type?

Le matin de préférence, je suis en entretien avec mes clients.tes. Les entretiens durent environ une heure, durant laquelle ils.elles me racontent un épisode de leur vie. Nous ajustons le texte au fur et à mesure aussi ce temps en face à face est complètement dédié à la parole.  Il est, je trouve, essentiel pour créer le lien avec celui.celle qui se confie. Ces moments sont toujours très intimes et touchants. On rit souvent et, à chaque fois, on peut sentir l’émotion du souvenir.  Ensuite, de retour chez moi, je mets en mots l’histoire que l’on vient de me confier. J’essaie d’être la plus fidèle possible au ton du narrateur, à son vocabulaire, à l’intention qu’il.elle met dans ce projet. Et j'ajoute ma patte. Quand le texte est, à mon sens, fini et avant la séance suivante, je l’envoie à mon.ma client.e afin qu’il soit relu et qu’on puisse y apporter les modifications nécessaires.

Si quelqu'un souhaite travailler avec toi sur son projet de biographie c’est quoi le budget et la durée ?

Le processus est assez simple. Je facture au temps réellement passé, 60 euros de l'heure, que ce soit le temps passé en entretien ou le temps passé en écriture, relecture, recherche, etc. Pour une heure d'entretien, il faut compter environ 2 à 3 heures d'écriture, en fonction de la quantité d'informations transmises pendant l'entretien. Ensuite le nombre d'entretiens varie en fonction de l'histoire à raconter mais je dirais qu'il faut environ une dizaine d'entretiens au total. Concernant la rédaction de contenus pour les marques, bien sûr c'est assez différent. Le tarif horaire est le même mais le volume change fortement. Je suis toujours ravie d'être contactée pour de nouveaux projets !

Qui sont tes clients.tes?

Mes clients.es ont finalement des profils assez différents. Je travaille bien sûr avec des personnes âgées qui veulent laisser une trace de leur histoire pour leurs enfants et leur petits enfants. Parfois, ce sont les enfants que me contactent, désireux de conserver l’histoire de leur parent. Je travaille également avec des personnes plus jeunes qui ont vécu un événement marquant dans leur vie et qui souhaite le poser sur papier. Pour elles-mêmes ou dans l’optique d’une publication. Enfin, je collabore parfois avec des entreprises que j’aide dans la rédaction de contenus relatifs à l’histoire de leur marque ou de leurs créations, pour leurs sites web notamment. 

Comment la vie d’une biographe est différente de ce que tu avais imaginé en commençant ton activité? 

Je pensais travailler exclusivement avec des personnes âgées. J’ai été très surprise d’être souvent contactée par des gens de mon âge. Egalement, j’avais complètement occulté la possibilité de travailler avec des entreprises.

Au début du coaching tu pensais que tu n'étais pas assez créative pour envisager un métier qui te faisait vibrer. Comment cette pensée a évolué depuis?

Je pense toujours manquer de créativité mais je laisse d’avantage de chance à mes idées avant de considérer qu’elles sont toutes nulles. Parfois même, je les trouve plutôt bonnes.

Quels sont tes plus grands objectifs pour la suite?

Mon objectif principal est de basculer à temps plein vers l’écriture, réussir à faire publier le beau projet de roman sur lequel je travaille avec une cliente et puis, peut-être qu’ensuite je me sentirai capable d’écrire pour moi-même.

De quoi as tu besoin pour avancer?

Un peu plus de clients et un peu plus de courage, pour basculer totalement vers le métier d’écriture, je ne sais pas dans quel ordre…

Tu as terminé ton coaching il y a déjà plus d'un ans. Avec du recul et du temps, qu'est ce que tu te retiens le plus maintenant de ton expérience?

Ce coaching a littéralement changé ma vie. Ce que j’en retiens c’est d’oser croire que les choses sont possibles et se faire accompagner lorsqu’on ne trouve pas la solution par soi-même.

Bonus question: comment va N72?

Hahahaha ! N72 va très bien. Maintenant qu’il n’est plus mon ennemi mais un allié dont je connais les défauts et les qualités, nous cohabitons assez bien (la plupart du temps). Finalement, ce coaching a aussi été une vraie thérapie de couple entre mon angoisse et moi-même :)

Pour contacter Emilie pour un projet de biographie visitez son site: https://emilieghidalia.com/

Et pour trouver le métier de votre rêve contacter moi ici:

Creating balance in chaos

Our whole division of remote employees was obsessed with it. Every team-building seminar I attended for the seven years at Yelp had a workshop about it.

Work-life balance was touted as the holy grail of professional and personal development. 

How do you stay in shape when you don’t have to commute? Why should you shower and get dressed when no one will see you all day? Why should you do one thing for yourself before checking your phone in the morning?

When I think of work-life balance I can’t help land on that clip from a few years back of BBC correspondent (aka BBC dad) giving this very serious live report about Korean politics when all of the sudden his two young children bombard his space (which we realize is actually a bedroom, and not an office) before his wife runs in with her pants falling down to round up the kids and escape the scene. 

If you haven’t seen the clip do so immediately for a little bit of comic relief.

The reporter worried he’d lose his job because his neat and in-control professional identity cracked open and unraveled in front of the entire world.

But the clip went viral and everyone fell in love with them

Why? 

I think it’s because it revealed a truth that we secretly pretended not to know: trying to divide your life into two separate silos, one personal and one professional, is an impossible feat. 

You are one individual. There is no work-life and life-life. It is all one life. 

If I’ve learned anything during confinement it’s that the work-life holy grail doesn’t exist. It’s bogus, a set-up, a fantasy likely invented by some Silicon Valley execs. 

Once you accept the fact that your two worlds are actually one, you can come up with some creative ways to create structure—a new structure— where there’s fluidity and flow between the two. 

First, instead of asking how you can balance your work and life right now, you can ask yourself what do I need to feel more balanced right now?

How can I be more me in each world? 

How can I bring more harmony to my days? 

So, how can you do that? Click over here for some tips for creating structure amidst chaos while using your own sense of serenity and balance as your guide. 

Tip 1: Identify Your Non Negotiables

Meals will need to be prepared. 

Naps will need to be had. 

Zumba zoom classes will need to be danced to. 

Children’s homework will need to be done. 

What are the current non-negotiables in your confinement life? And when do they take place? Put those in your calendar, make peace with them, and see where the holes are in your schedule. Don’t overcommit and overextend. Stick to one thing at a time.  The worst feeling you can have is feeling guilty for not being somewhere else. Be present where you are, with whom you’re with, and with what you’re doing. When it’s homework time with kids, be there and really try to get into it. I know in my case I’m learning a ton these days about the Renaissance and how to conjugate in French in the future tense. 

Tip 2: Rethink the Week

One of the stranger things about confinement living is how blurred the days are. Wednesdays feel like Sundays. Mondays like Fridays. And forget about the months. But use that blurriness to your advantage and rethink your week. Maybe Saturday morning is the best place to do contemplative work? And Sunday turns out to be prime time for responding to emails. In a post-work-life-balance reality you choose what time or day is most relevant and realistic for getting done what you need to get done. 

Tip 3: Repurpose Your Pad

Very few people have their homes set up for extended remote working (which is not at all the same as confinement, because remote working you can leave your house, work from a café or park) So you’ll need to get as comfortable with what you’ve got. Try to think of your space as a co-working arena with pods designated for different activities. Each space has a special function during the day, and then it returns to “normal” as much as possible when the work day is done. Make sure that everyone understands what is going on within that space and when. For example, my therapist friend does her Zoom sessions from her bathroom, a client has turned her bed into her office so that her kid can her 19th-month-old plays in the living room with her husband. Whatever space works best for you, make it as comfortable as you can. Put a pillow below your butt, light a candle, lay out some photos, whatever works for you.  

Tip 4: Over Communicate and be specific about your needs 

Now is the time to delegate and include your family as much as you can. You and your partner will need to coordinate schedules so that you can each get the amount of work done that you need to, your older kids will have to step up to the plate with the smaller ones. If you have small kids, let them know what’s going on, when you need to be alone, preempt their needs and of course, be kind to yourself, and to them if you get interrupted, as you most definitely will.

Conclusion

There isn’t a one-size-fits-all formula for creating work-life balance in confinement, or at any other time to be honest. That balance comes from within you, and is more of a personal feeling than anything else. If you feel balanced, then you are. Working with your limitations is the first step towards creating that inner peace. You need to adjust and adapt to your new reality, set aside time for the non-negotiables, be present with one task at a time, repurpose the days of the week, reimagine your pad into pods and over communicate your needs with the people you live and work with.

PS. Need help deciphering the wild emotions and thoughts that have come up during confinement? I’ve got you covered! Head over here to download my free worksheet “ Reinvent Your New Normal.” (Available in French or in English)

Serena of the south west

What’s it like to realize that you’re not the person you thought you were halfway through your life? 

Exhilarating? 

Terrifying? 

Liberating? 

Nauseating? 

All of the above?

Let me tell you something about a little discovery I made this summer: I’m good at sports. 

That’s right. I AM ATHLETIC.

You see, I always thought that I was terrible at sports. That my world was with the “artists,” the creatives, the intellectual misfits, the indie rockers. 

This belief started in Junior High School. When I was a shy and uncomfortably overweight pre-teen who’s parents had recently divorced. 

I had been playing the violin for a couple of years in elementary school at my mom’s urging. When it was time to chose a Junior High School my mom convinced me to apply to Mark Twain For the Gifted and Talented (I kid you not, that was the name!!). A special public school that bussed kids in from all over Brooklyn. 

You had to have a “talent” to get in. And I got in with my violin playing (which actually sounded more like cats screeching to an agonizing death).  

The rest of my friends from elementary school made it into the “Dance and Athletics” programs.

From the very moment I was selected for music, I became certain that I couldn’t also be athletic. There was a lot of proof in the pudding—as a chubby prepubescent kid I couldn’t climb a rope or do arm lifts to save my life. 

I wasn’t part of the confident, athletic crew. I belonged with the creative, sensitive crowd. 

Over the course of my life, I’ve experimented with lots of physical activities from swimming and jogging to yoga. But me, athletic, not in a million years. 

That’s just not part of my identity. That’s not of my DNA. 

But this summer something shifted. I decided to take some tennis lessons while vacationing in the south of France in the small village where my mother-in-law lives.


I signed up for a course with the 73-year-old French coach named Jean Pierre who was my husband’s coach as a kid and is still kicking it strong! 

My motivation? If I’m being honest with you, << Test First Name >>, I though it was a legitimate escape from my motherly commitments and a chance to take in some fresh mountain air. Plus my son and my husband are tennis-obsessed and it was a way to taste their world and see what all of the fuss was about. 

Thirty minutes into my first course, after Jean-Pierre showed me how to hold the racket, how to position my body in order to hit the ball at the right angle, he stopped our training and came up to the net. 

He said, “Are you sure you’ve never played tennis before? You’re really good at this.” 

And then he went on:

“You pick things up quickly.”

“You’re determined.”

“You observe and adapt quickly.”

“You’ve got great sense perception.”

“You’ve got personality.”

I laughed at his compliments a bit awkwardly, but still let them linger in my mind. 

What he said about me didn’t totally surprised me. He was pointing out parts of my character and personal narrative that I believe are true, but that I've never applied to tennis. 

I saw myself in the person he described even though the context was unfamiliar.

You see, << Test First Name >>, you and I have inherent skills and talents that we think are reserved for certain contexts, certain vocations, certain professions. 

But what happens if we decide to apply them elsewhere, in a field that excites us but that’s totally unknown? 

What if we can actually thrive using our inherent skills in a space that’s foreign? What does that say about us?

What parts of our identity lay dormant because we haven’t yet decided to experiment who we are in a new environment?

I don’t plan on becoming the next Serena Williams, but I do have a tennis class this Friday that I’m excited about because it’s a new chapter in my life that makes me feel alive in a completely different way. 

What inherent character traits can you plant in a new pot?

Maybe you’ll realize you’re more than who you think you are. 

That there are sub plots to the narrative of your life that are waiting to be explored. 

Self-love summer roadtrip

What if this summer became your self-loving springboard to the rest of the year? A map to your emerging tastes and desires that you can unpack once the pace picks up again in the Fall.

Summer is a prolonged, precious break from reality. A time when routines change. When everything slows down. When you give new things a try. Reconnect with friends and family. Hike, swim, drink litres of rosé. 

But how many times has summer’s special glow been zapped away your first day back home? 

What if this year you decided to freeze-frame summer’s most essential parts and use this season to truly get to know yourself?

Since the stakes are low and the pace is slow, summer is the ideal time to dissect your daily decisions to see who or what’s driving your everyday moves. 

Who’s really calling the shots?

Is it the “true” you? 

Is it what you think people expect of you?

Is it what your family wants? 

Is it what you think looks great on Instagram?

Start practicing your decision-making skills on decisions that don’t matter much.

The best way to build muscle for those big decisions down the road (e.g. changing careers, starting a business, going back to school) is to start getting familiar with the real you.

The one that isn’t performing for others. The one that isn’t searching for recognition. The one that isn’t taking care of everyone else or living up to other people’s expectations. 

The best time to find that person is when the stakes are low. When the biggest decision on the line is what ice cream to order (not to say that ice cream isn’t a serious matter!).

So if you want to try out some new sensations and get to know yourself better join me on this Self-Love Summer Road Trip 2019.

Guts you don't regret

Tis the season of report cards, graduation ceremonies, and mid-year reviews. A time to appreciate the gradual yet often excruciating achievements of the year (like future tense conjugations in French).

It’s also the time when a big day shows up in my calendar. Not my birthday or wedding anniversary or my kids' birthdays. None of that. 

It’s July 6th. The day I did something so scary I literally thought my heart would explode in my chest. Even thinking about it now makes me quiver a bit. 

On July 6th, 1999, I boarded a one-way flight from NYC to Paris, leaving behind my family, my friends, my boyfriend, my four cats, my job, my apartment, and my beloved Brooklyn. 


And for no real reason.


I mean, there were reasons. But they weren’t life-or-death reasons. This wasn’t anything like the exoduses my ancestors took to save their skin generations ago. 

It was just that I had this nagging feeling in my belly, this constant, flickering sensation since childhood that I had to live in Paris. 

And I knew that if I didn’t listen to this feeling I’d get sucked into the rat race of life in NYC and regret not making a move forever. 

So I wrangled up everything I had in me and boarded that plane. The poor woman sitting to my right was so worried about my whimpering that I told her the broad strokes of my story. Reassuring her that everything, really, was ok. That I was doing something I wanted more than anything, it’s just that I was a total emotional wreck.   

I landed in Paris the next morning and calmed down the minute I spotted my friend Jessica at the arrival gate. Jessica and I went to college together and did our Junior year abroad in Paris at the same time. She wasted no time sticking around the states after graduation and came right back to Paris where she met her soon-to-be husband Charles at film school.

They were the ones that made my Paris experiment a reality. Charles lugged my giant suitcase up the four flights of stairs to their cute flat on rue Leon Blum in the 11th and they set me up on their living room coach for as long as I needed. 

Every morning I’d wake up with a view of the gorgeous building across the street and marvel at the shirtless JFK Jr look-a-like who paced around his apartment all day.  

I needed no more convincing, this was where I belonged. 

For the next few weeks Charles and Jessica took me everywhere they went. We ate charcuterie and drank pitchers of cheap red wine at the local bistrots while I noted down bizarre French idiomatic expressions in my little carnet. We went to the public pools during the heat wave. We dodged the firecrackers thrown at our feet while heading across Place de la Bastille on Bastille Day. We bought some cheap tickets to Corsica and rented a little hut on the beach and made refried beans in a shoddy casserole to save our money—for more wine! 

I felt like I was living someone else’s life. I had no strings on me. No obligations. No job. No apartment. And my French was a disaster.


There were definitely moments of “WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING?” panic.

But I was doing it any way. Taking it one day at a time with a mix of queasy fear and determination to make the most of it!

It’s been 20 years since I boarded that plane.

It was the scariest thing I’ve ever done. And by far the most important decision of my life. 

I’m dying to know, what’s the scariest thing you’ve every done that you’re grateful for today? 

That when you think about it you say, “I’m so damn proud I had the guts to do that!” 

Just hit reply and let me know. 

Need a diploma?

I drafted my first official diploma a few weeks ago.  

I took a piece of white paper out of the closet, got out my favorite fountain pen and chose a canary yellow marker for the “official stamp” that I drew above my signature. 

I spent some time on that stamp. I really wanted it to look like foil. The kind glued to passports and birth certificates that screams THIS IS OFFICIAL BUSINESS!

No, I haven’t started a side hustle as a notary public or an administrative assistant. 

I just decided right there in my office that my client deserved an official something to move ahead despite her fears. 

You see, French culture believes in certificates. In official stamps. In procedure. 

If something comes easily, that means you’ve done it wrong, cheated your way to the top, gotten a free ride, missed an essential piece of knowledge along the way.

It’s got to be painful to be worthwhile.

And that goes for pretty much everything— from getting into a top-notch business school and opening a bank account to returning a T-shirt at Monoprix. 

The effort is the reward. Like conjoined twins. You can’t have one without the other. 

While tenacity and discipline are solid traits, holding effort to such high heights can be debilitating when you’re trying to find your groove in life. When you’re trying to connect with your inner voice. Your intuition. 

Often clients will tell me that an idea for a project or a new professional path seems too simple, too perfect, too obvious. 

How can it be worth pursuing if there isn’t a blood-sweat-and-tears drama involved? 

How can it be worth pursuing if there’s no shiny stamp to prove your qualified?

How can it be worth pursuing if the idea comes from deep within?

How can it be worth pursuing if there’s no “official” way to do it?

We often fear that others won’t think we’re deserving, that they’ll judge us, hold us to impossible standards. 

But guess what? What holds you back is not what other people say or think, but what you say and think about — yourself! 

Do you consider yourself worthy? 

Do you consider yourself qualified?

Do you consider yourself deserving?

This is where "the diploma" comes into play.

What would you do if you felt 100% worthy?

What would you do if you felt100% qualified?

What would you do if you felt 100% deserving? 

What if you've already earned that diploma? That special hall pass? That elusive degree? What happens then?

I may not know you personally, but I suspect you’ve earned the right to move forward without your fears blocking you. 

Without your inner demons holding you back. Without being worried about doing it perfectly. 

My guess is that you’ve done enough of that already and that it’s high time to try something different. 

The good news is that I’ve got plenty more ink in my pens and a full stack of paper on my desk. 

So just reach out for whatever judgement-free diploma you need. 

Anne-Sophie Roquette finds her "pelote de laine" at L'Atelier13

“Pelote de laine”

It means “ball of yarn” in French.

And it's crazy how often my clients use that expression in our sessions. 

Not because they’re knitters, or obsessed with sweaters, or particularly manual. 

But because unraveling their web of fears and desires feels a lot like untangling a jumbled ball of yarn. 

You know what I mean, right? When you're searching desperately for that little thread at the beginning of the spool so that those tight intersections can start opening up and letting loose?

And when your fingers finally it everything starts to settled down —your shoulders relax, your eyes soften, your breath calms down. The relief and satisfaction is huge. At last, you can start getting on with your stuff!

I'm fascinated by the “pelote de laine” stories of everyday women who figure out how to loosen up their tangled web of interests and doubts and confidently put their ideas into action. 

That's why I’d love to introduce you to Anne-Sophie Roquette, founder of the French fashion and accessories brand L’Atelier13, who found her career calling by listening to what her fingers were telling her as they worked through a real “pelote de laine.” 

Read my interview below with this super inspiring women who went from corporate life to entrepreneurialism while raising three small kids below.

*On Friday January 25, 2019, I’ll be giving vision board workshop at Anne-Sophie’s showroom as part of her Inspirants community events for her clients. Click here to reserve your spot.

Anne-Sophie Roquette at her L’Atelier 13 Showroom

What inspired you to start making your own accessories considering the amount of work you already had going on (career, kids, etc)?

It all started while I had my young daughters. Being stuck at home for long nap hours and early nights, I had to get busy with something, and I found out that manual activities were a great satisfaction to me. It gave me the happy feeling of using my time with something productive. 

How did you find the time to devote to that passion?

I really wonder now how I did find the time. I guess when something becomes your priority (for sanity or for pleasure), you always find the time! My days were really packed but I had that urge to make them even more, which, now that I think about it, and at the time where I try to take things and life slower, seems crazy to me. 

I believe that I was in this age where being productive and making the most of every minute was the most important to me. I would never sop. As soon as the kids were in bed, I would work on a project. At the park watching the kids ? In the subway ? I started knitting before I was even sitting. Conference calling with lawyers ? A knitting project in my hands. I was doing something all the time. That's hilarious when you think about it !

When did you know that it was the right time to switch full-time into your new career? 

It came as a conjonction of different moments. I never thought I would switch. I loved my job, and was fully aware of the ups and downs of launching a business, especially in the quite crowded fashion industry. So it took a while before I even envisioned it, at least a year. 

By then, that little project had been flourishing and meeting some success, and at the same time I wanted to have my third child and some time to take care of her, and on top of it, the company I was working for was growing too much, evolving into something that I no longer felt connected to. I had turned 37 and felt it was now or never. So I allowed myself a two year break to have that baby and cherish every moment of her first years, and concentrate on working on my project. It's been 4 years now, and I don't regret any of it!

What fears or doubts did you have to overcome? 

The main fear is that you leave something that you know and enjoy, for the unknown, the uncertainty, the unpredictability. That was my biggest concern. But once you realize that, if you want to go back to that job, two years from now, you'll still have that same back ground and experience, and be able to interview and find another job, everything seems much easier. I always decided to think that if things were going to turn bad, I would always be able to find a job. That's a great security.

Behind the clothes, the bags, the shoes — what does your brand represent to you?

My brand is really a concentration of what I like most in the way that I envision work. It embodies my values :

Work: Work with people that you are happy to work with, that you get to choose, whether they are interns or suppliers that you care for, that you help grow and help you grow. 

Perseverance: Being an entrepreneur is not an piece of cake. Some days are harder than others. But I strongly believe that if you keep your vision in mind, no matter what path your days are following, you will end up achieving your goals.

Fulfillment and Happiness: I think you do things much better when you're happy to do them, preferably under the least pressure possible.

Balance: My business could develop faster, probably, but my life is full of many things, and I choose to devote some time for them all: my kids and their projects, my yoga practice, my husband and our well being as a couple (which involves spending time together, but also cooking good food ;-))

What do you want you clients to feel or experience in your creations?

I want them to feel comfortable and sexy, different but with a sense of belonging. I want them to dress in the morning and accessorize with no headache and always feel good no matter where they are, at school with the kids, at work, at a cocktail that same night. 

What made you decide to launch the Inspirations series of workshops for your clients?

I noticed that most of my clients have the same aspirations and hopes as I do. Thinking about the way to balance our busy lives, find moments of joy and well-being, discover new things, in order to improve, become better moms, professionals, wives, friends... The community behind L'ATELIER 13 is eager to share and discover, know better, feel better, and I thought that a good way to serve that community was to bring that kind of value. I'm driven by what I feel like doing, and learning, and I really hope that it could interest more women, so I was very enthusiastic about bringing that value through my brand. 

What piece in your collection means the most to you?

Probably the first one, the Cosi Bag, as it really launched the project. I came up with the design as I was sewing a dress. The top of that dress made me think of a bag, and I decided to test it out and found out that it was a very convenient one, and yet stylish. That I could make it with the fabrics I wanted and therefore really design it to match my style. 

It was the bag that I could fold in my purse, and use when I stopped after work for grocery shopping. It was the bag that I could use to carry my kids stuff, no matter how many pieces there were to be carried (sweaters, scarves, gloves, hats, snacks...), that I could wash if necessary, in a word, my daily companion.

I started to make some for people who asked, and I believe I sew nearly a hundred, at night and on week-end, before I thought it could be smart to find a workshop that could help me out. This is how the venture started!

If you’d like to meet Anne-Sophie in person come join us on Friday, January 25th 2019 at her showroom where I’ll be giving a vision board workshop as part of her Inspirants evens series for her community . Click here to purchase your spot.

Tools in Your Pockets

Pockets. They’re designed to keep useful tools close by. Against the body. Like a second skin. So that when you need to jot something down. Remember a task. Fix something. Hold something for later. You don’t have to scramble around like a basket case trying to find it. 

Or rely on someone else for help. 

In short: they help you be better at being you.

Up until the French revolution women had large pockets tucked under their voluminous skirts that were large enough to hold books, mending materials, writing devices, and even lunch. 

But as fashion became more streamlined, women’s pockets moved off the body and into handbags — more distant, easier to misplace, or have stolen.

Making essential tools harder to find and more difficult to access in need. 

“Pockets speak to this question of preparedness, and your ability to move in public and to be confident. It’s really difficult to get around if you don’t have what you need...” says Hannah Carlson, a lecturer at the Rhode Island School of Design who was interviewed about the politics of pockets in the awesome podcast, Articles of Interest.

So I guess you're wondering what pockets have do you with coaching?

Well, I’ve been thinking recently about the tools we need to move ahead with our projects. 

Women often think they need to have everything mastered, integrated and assimilated into every fiber of their body in order to be legitimate, comfortable and prepared. 

Maybe it has to do with the diminishing size of pockets over time and the growing sense that men are better equipped for the challenges of the world than we are. 

Who knows.

But what interests me is this question:  What tools do you need to get you where you want to go with confidence and ease?

And when I say "tools" I'm not talking about hammers and nails and mending materials, in fact your tools don't have to be objects at all!

A client of mine recently described an "immaterial toolkit" that she created to collect “things” she knows are good for her as she journeys forward. 

• Friendships where she can be vulnerable and real

• Rituals that bring her immense joy

• Experiences that spark curiosity and enable growth

• Mindsets that are benevolent and constructive

They’re all tucked away in her toolkit — safe, cosy and close. Carefully selected for the precious vitality they bring her. 

Once you know where you’re going, the next step is to choose the tools you need to help you get there. Venturing out ill-equipped just sets you up for pain and a whole lotta trouble.

You wouldn't head into the forest for an overnight in the wild without a compass, a sleeping bag, and some coffee for the morning after, right? That would be bonkers. 

So tell me, what tools do you want to put in your pockets to get you where you want to go? 

And here’s some more great reading about the politics of pockets