Let Out Your Inner Child

My husband’s phone buzzed. It was a message from his boss, Jason. The set list for their rock school's anniversary concert was confirmed.


Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the Beastie Boys’ Fight For Your Right on the roster.

My inner child screamed “That’s my song, I want to sing it!” 

Before I could think twice, I asked my husband if Jason would let me sing the song of my pre-teen years in front of 200 strangers.

“I don’t know, I’ll ask,” he smiled. 

Within minutes we got an enthusiastic yes, but then I immediately regretted it. “What the hell did you just get yourself into, Zeva?” I thought to myself. 

But I didn’t give in to that voice. Instead, I spent the next few weeks preparing my performance by shouting, jumping and nailing every bit of Brooklyn affect I had in my DNA. 

Days before the concert, I did a run-through for my husband. As I finished the song, breathless, he gently said “you know, you don’t need to overdo it?” 

Let’s just say his advice went in one ear, and out the other. 

When I got on stage wearing my custom-made Beastie Boys shirt, my heart racing, the crowd going nuts, the spotlight shining on my face and the thermostat all of the sudden on high, there was nothing holding me back. I OVERDID IT BIG TIME!

And guess what? It was one of the most fun experiences I’ve ever had in my life. 

Where am I going with this,? 

In addition to wanting to share this personal triumph with you, I realized there’s more to it than I first understood:
 

1. I was a very shy girl growing up. And when Fight For Your Right came out in 1986 I was at the height of my awkward pre-teens. I was chubby, and had a curtain of 80s bangs over my forehead that served as a shield. So when the anthem from that exact period appeared on the set list, I think it was that self-conscious little girl in me that perked up. She finally felt ready be seen, and get her groove on. My performance was a rush, a release, and a reparation. I think I made her extremely proud. 
    

2. We’re often worried about having the right qualifications, or being legitimate, to say something, or try something new. But just showing up in an enthusiastic, joyful, positive, way, can be the gift that’s needed at that very moment. I made a ton of mistakes on stage, but it didn’t matter. The excitement I communicated was contagious. I even got another gig out of it! Could this be the beginning of my Beastie Boys cover band career? Stay tuned...
    

3. The day after my performance I spoke with a friend who signed up to do something she’s always dreamed of doing but was terrified to try: stand-up comedy. She said, “I challenged myself this year to do scary things that I knew I could handle, and I’ve always wanted to try stand-up.” As the words came out of her mouth, I knew she was speaking a truth much larger than her own. I think we’re living in a post-pandemic age where we've learned to discern paralysing fear (aka, we might die if we catch an airborne virus) to I-can-handle-this-kind-of-fear, fear (aka, daring ourselves to do something thrilling and new).
    

4. Tying this all together in a neat little bow, what I’m sensing is that we're craving experiences that remind us that we're alive. We want to feel new things. We want to laugh. We want to rejoice. We want to connect. We want vitality. And that might mean we need to move past our manageable fears, and come out wide-eyed and wind-swept, on the other side of it.
    

So, here’s a little challenge for you. What’s something you’ve always wanted to try that scares you, but that you know you’d have an absolute blast trying? Something that maybe your inner child craves? 

Is it singing? Writing sonnets? Tap dancing? Joining a theatre group? Going on a wild trip? Learning a new sport? 

Book a free call and let’s discuss what that inner child inside of you is curious to finally try. 

Speaking Truth To Power

My dad always kept a stash of nails inside the glove compartment of his car. 

Whenever we got doubled-parked in (which happened whenever we scored a prized spot outside of my grandparents' high rise apartment complex) my dad would calmly grab a nail and sneak around to the back of the incriminating car. 

He’d carefully wedge his nail in-between the tire and the pavement so that when the car owner eventually came running out to move his car forward, the nail would quietly pierce through the tire’s rubber, creating a gash in the grooves. 

My dad was very satisfied each time he got to “stick it” to a schmucky car owner who had blocked us in. 

We never had to witness the fallout of the tire going flat minutes or hours later. There was no trace, or even suspicion that it could have been my dad. I mean, he didn’t shout at the owner, or even honk his rage into the loud NYC air. He just kept his hands on the wheel and barely blinked an eye, all emotions erased from his face. 

I tell this story because confrontation is not really in my DNA. 

I come from a “grin, bear and complain about it later” or “take your feelings out passive aggressively” kind of clan. 
 

So you could say it was out of character for me to write a letter condemning the doctor who said sexist, misogynistic things about my body, my choice of undergarments, my marriage and my weight during a medical appointment to zap my varicose veins. 

And that it was even more out of character for me to actually look into the eyes of the doctor during an official hearing last week, and explain to him in my own heated and well-prepared words why he couldn’t and shouldn’t ever openly degrade and critique a women’s body, especially a woman who is paying for his medical expertise. 

Where did this outspokenness, this courage and bravery to confront my aggressor come from? To tell you the truth, I’m not entirely sure.

But I know it has something to do with you.

When I was lying on the doctor’s examining table listening to him casually judge my body, I said to myself “I am a women’s empowerment coach, this won’t work on me.” 

That statement wasn’t 100% accurate, because my professional role didn’t save me from the tsunami of painful emotions that came up after the experience. 

But my mission did give me strength to make my voice heard, to speak truth to power. It washed out any non-confrontational DNA lurking in my system because it became about something much larger than me. 

James Clear in his book Atomic Habits says that the most effective way to change habits is to make them identity-based. “To change your behavior for good, you need to start believing new things about yourself. You need to build identity-based habits.” 

He boils sustained success, in any domain, down two main ingredients: 

1. Decide the type of person you want to be.

2. Prove it to yourself with small wins.

I think I decided in the doctor’s office that I was the type of person who would use my voice, my resources, my experience and my privilege to shed light on the continual way that women, and their personal choices, are disrespected and disparaged by people in power, not only publicly, but behind closed medical doors.


Because I believed that about myself I was able to set the ball in motion, without thinking so much about the consequences. In a way, I'm happy I didn't know that my letter would lead to a face-off with a 68-year-old man who has been living under an unethical rock and getting away with it for most of his existence. 


Looking him squarely in the eyes and explaining exactly why his words were inappropriate and unacceptable was cathartic and healing as well as intensely surreal, exhausting and sad. I don't think I've ever sweated that much without doing an ounce of exercise. 


It’s only now that I realize what a brave move I made, but it didn’t feel like I was being brave at the time, it just felt like I was being the person I want to become even more. 

And that felt empowering. 

What Happened At The Doctor's

I sat in the doctor’s office waiting to get my varicose veins zapped. 

Notebook open, pen in hand, I was listening to a course about entrepreneurial expertise and had to answer the inevitable “why” question. Why do I coach? What’s my mission?

In that moment this is what I jotted down: 

“I empower women to hear, trust and share their unique gifts because the world needs them now more than ever.”

Minutes later, the door flung open, and my name was called. I unplugged my earbuds, put away my notebook and followed the doctor into his office. 

I had been to this doctor a few times already and knew he was chatty.

I took off my pants, laid down on my back, and he started asking me what I do for a living, what my husband does, etc. 

I gave him the same info as during my last two appointments, then for flair, mentioned that in addition to my husband’s job, he was very passionate about tennis. 

“Passionate about tennis? Why isn’t your husband passionate about you?” the doctor quipped. 

I laughed, uncomfortably.  

And then out of the blue he added. “If you want him to be passionate about you you’ll need to lose this,” and he gestured to the little bulge of skin sticking out between my panties and my t-shirt and pinched my belly between his fingers. 

My heart stopped. My pulse quickened. I looked down and felt like I was having an out-of-body experience. “Did he just say what I think he said?” “Is that my belly?” “Yes, that’s my belly.” “What’s it doing here?” 

As he injected chemicals into my legs, he continued on with his unsolicited commentary. “You need to wear sexier underwear,” he said, flicking the waistband of my panties disapprovingly, “you should do butt and ab exercises,” and “don’t forget to wax and get your nails done.” 

He concluded, triumphantly, that this protocol would ensure that “at the end of the day, your husband desires you more than his tennis.”

I kept silent throughout most of this rant, thinking to myself, “This can’t be happening!” “Is this a joke?” “Does he know we’re in 2022?” “I’m a women's empowerment coach, this garbage won’t work on me.”

But it wasn’t a joke. And even though I am a women’s empowerment coach who has the solid support of family, friends, a therapist, a coach and a battalion of personal development tools, I found myself ugly crying on the phone to my husband as soon as I got out of that office.

The doctor’s words hit a nerve. They ignited millennia of self-doubting, shaming feelings and thoughts about a woman’s body that I thought I was immune to. 

They made me feel self-conscious, ashamed, embarrassed, exposed and weak. 

They made me doubt my inherent beauty. My femininity. 

His words, despite their almost comically Mad Men sexism, were an overt attempt to convince me that there was something terrible wrong with me that needed fixing.


That my full-time job as a woman was to keep my body pleasing and desirable, and that I was failing at that job. 

And, as a result of my shortcomings, I should use my precious resources— my time, my energy, my money, my thoughts, my actions—not on my own choices, relationships, convictions, or aspirations, but on the impossible task of living up to an unachievable ideal of feminine perfection! 

No, doctor, I’m not buying your sexist, patriarchal bullshit. 

Even though I wish I had jumped off the table screaming profanities into his smug face, months later, << Test First Name >>, I appreciate the experience the way it did go down. 

It’s helped me have some really honest, powerful, and healing conversations, like my heart-to-heart with Lili Barbery Coulon on her podcast Pleine Présence (which you’re invited to listen to if you speak French). 

But the true gift of this experience is the heightened urgency and clarity I feel today around my mission as a coach. More than ever I feel like my place is to help women release the grip of limiting beliefs and feelings in order to step into their full professional potential, whatever that means for them. 

It’s the only way we can reverse course and dismantle a system that continues to subjugate a woman’s self-value, agency and dignity in order to strip her of her precious power. 

If that mission speaks to you, I'd be thrilled to chat with you during a free discovery call. 


PS. In case you missed my intimate chat in French with Lili Barbery Coulon on her podcast Pleine Présence, you can listen to it over here.  

Why You Need To Watch "The Lost Daughter"

After reading the novel “The Lost Daughter,” the acclaimed actress Maggie Gyllenhaal (and sister to stud, Jake), became obsessed with the idea of adapting the story for screen. 

But she had two giant obstacles in her way. 

Even though she’d spent most of her life in front of the camera, she'd never written a screenplay before, and wasn’t sure she’d be any good at it.

But that wasn’t the biggest block. She first had to convince Elena Ferrante, the mysteriously anonymous Italian author to trust her with the story. 

Gyllenhaal had only one shot to write the perfect letter. She spent weeks editing and tweaking it to make her plea as honest and vulnerable as humanly possible. And it worked. Ferrante granted her the rights to the story, but under two conditions:

1. Gyllenhaal could have the screen rights, as long as she directed the movie herself. If she passed it to someone else, the contract would be null and void, forcing Gyllenhaal to quickly overcome her imposter syndrome and make a movie. 

2. Gyllenhaal had to portray the main character, Leda, as sane. Even though Leda's behaviors dance along the edges of sanity, Ferrante didn’t want the character to tip into "crazy lady" territory. 
   
   

I love that Ferrante made these two conditions explicit because A) She helped a women step into her light and B) She made it really hard for the viewer to judge Leda, which, in my opinion, is what makes the movie so brilliant.  

 

If you haven’t seen the Oscar-nominated movie, "The Lost Daughter" is about Leda, a 48-year-old professor played brilliantly by Olivia Colman, who’s relaxing Greek island holiday is interrupted and reshaped by a wild, obnoxious, fascinating family from Queens, New York.

The bizarre and uncomfortable interactions between Leda and the family prompt a steady flow of flashbacks to Leda’s early years as a young mother. 

Without spoiling the film for you, these flashbacks flesh out a portrait of a woman with some heavy-ass baggage. As a viewer, we desperately want to judge her baggage, to create space between us and her, but Gyllenhaal won’t let us do that. 

There’s just something about Leda, her imperfections, her realness, her roller-coaster range of emotions, that is endearing. We can relate. I did relate! 


Led's not a bad person, even though she does some truly odd and cringeworthy things that "good moms" on screens just don't do. And the fact that it’s hard to judge her, to label her as “crazy" forces us to acknowledge shadow parts of ourselves that she reflects at us. 

“I hope the movie is compassionate about how complicated being alive is,” explains Gyllenhaal in one of the million interviews I’ve devoured since seeing the film. “I was really trying to open the spectrum of acceptable feelings, and that has been really helpful to me, to allow myself to see in myself all sorts of complicated feelings and not indict myself for them.” 

As a coach I’ve realized that the #1 issue my clients struggle with is self-compassion. We are our harshest critics, no doubt about it. 

And for me this film is a beautiful and powerful reminder that one door to self-compassion is the softening stance towards others. 

Go see this film and let me know what comes up. 

Mission: Find the Facettes

Since I was a little girl I wondered what my mission was. I moved from one opportunity to another without having a guiding direction. The only direction I had was to get me to Paris. But beyond that I didn't know what else I was supposed to do. 

I remember reading What Color is Your Parachute, doing all of the exercises and still coming up blank. 

I knew I liked art but didn't feel I was an artist. I wanted to help artists. I wanted to show off and expose their work more. But did that make me a gallerist? An art dealer? 

I explored those tracks a bit but I wasn't passionate or connected enough within the art world and didn't like the feeling of the auction houses, the galleries. It just wasn't for me.


But I did like reading and writing though about creative people. I started working as a journalist interviewing artists and designers and creators and eventually started a blog highlighting the work of hidden Parisian artisans. 

I got so much satisfaction out of digging around exploring the city, discovering a little showroom, knocking on the door, speaking with and learning about the particular gifts that someone had, and then weaving all of my discoveries into a story that honored their craft and gave them a platform for shining and spreading their light even wider. 

When I think back now, I was already on my path toward becoming a coach. And the mission I have today is like an older cousin of the mission I had back then.

In my work as a coach, the crowing jewel is the moment that the facettes of the inner diamond inside of my client start to sparkle. 

I feel sometimes like a archeologist who is digging around, extracting and removing the earth that's collected around a mysterious and enigmatic treasure. 

The treasure has always been buried in the earth, but the layers of soot accumulated over milions of years has stifled its shine.


My mission, my ultimate mission as a coach, is to help my clients feel and find those facettes inside of them so that they can then dust them off, cherish them, polish them and start letting them shine even brighter and wider with the world. 

I am grateful for you. I’m grateful for your facettes, whether they’re shining loud and bright right now or not, they’re in you and part of you and I appreciate them. 


PS. Part of my mission, once we've found my client's facettes is to work on making them stronger, brighter, more resilient and impactful. Which is why I want to introduce a new concept I have: interviewing my clients so that they can share their facettes, their innovations and their stories with you. So please join me for my first interview this upcoming Wednesday, December 2, 2020 at 12h30 CET on Instagram for a Q&A conversation in French with my client Christelle Tissot Grosset who just launched a new media platform, Müsae.

Client Profile: Clara Moley rewrites Les Règles du Jeu

When I sit down with a client we never really know where our journey is going to take us.  We define the direction and ideal outcome, strap on our seat belts, and go. Months later, our final destination is always infinitely more interesting than anything we imagined before we set out.

It's like packing the car and heading out on a road trip for the beach in Marseille, and then finding yourself on the shores of your own private island, dressed in a fabulous sarong, surrounded by your best mates in a house that's stocked with your favorite foods. 

Which is why I totally love the story of my former client and newly published author, Clara Moley.

Clara worked as a raw materials trader in Brazil for many years. During her time there, she realized that the rules of the game for getting ahead as a woman in a very male industry were heavily stacked against her. And when she tried in vain to get the support and clarity she needed from her entourage or other women in similar situations, she realized that she'd have to invent her own rules. 

Clara nurtured that idea and let it guide her into a personal and professional passion.

Even though she didn't really know where the idea would take her, she let it grow— first into a podcast series and then into Les Règles du Jeu, a riveting memoir and brilliant playbook that just hit the French bookshelves this week.

Clara's journey was filled with doubt and fear.

Exposing your ideas and your story always is,  dear friend.  But it's how you move forward despite the fear that counts the most, how you take control of your destiny by believing that what you have to say far outweighs the risk of exposing yourself to judgement or critique. 

I'm so insanely proud of Clara for conquering her fears and delivering this gorgeous and powerful book to the world.

Please enjoy this interview with her and go buy her book, which you can find in bookstores in France (en français).

Q&A with Clara Moley, author of Les Règles du Jeu: 

1. The message behind your book is very clear: school and work have completely different rules. Being a good student isn't enough in the professional world and effort isn't naturally rewarded. Especially as women, we need to rewrite the rules of the game to get what we want professionally. What experience first sealed that idea for you?
I was asked to deliver a super complicated analysis about market price evolution within a week. I worked full time on it for a whole week, did extra hours to get it right and was pretty satisfied with the results. I was supposed to deliver the results during a Monday morning meeting the following week. The day comes, the meeting goes by the usual way. I see the clock running and no sign from my boss that it's my turn to speak about the analysis. At some point he looks at the clock and goes "OK markets are about to open let's go!" I raised my hand and said, "What about the analysis?" He said there was no time and we'd just get to it the following week. I was SO mad and frustrated when I came back to my desk that I opened an email, put all the conclusions of the analysis in it, graphs, etc and sent it to ALL the traders of the company. Worldwide. About 50 people. THAT moment, that email changed everything for me because for the first time I did something I wasn't told to do. For the first time I took the initiative to do the right thing for me, without being asked or authorized, to promote my work just because I felt it was worth it. What can I do that I wasn't asked to do? That's when my mindset changed. 

2. How did you feel when you realized that you needed a new set of rules to get to where you wanted to be? 
Empowered! The moment I understood that I wasn't the problem, I just had the problem wrong, a new horizon of possibilities opened for me. I felt in charge, meaning that I was responsible for my own path. It was a big change from the passive nature of the school environment. I felt empowered because I realized how of much of the path was actually in my hands. I just needed to explore all of my options. 

3. It's one thing to come up with your own system for navigating the world, but what made you believe that others needed to hear what you knew? What belief took you to the next step of developing your ideas?
The very first step was talking with my girlfriends and realizing we were all going through similar challenges and looking for answers. Working in an all male environment certainly helped me to formulate those answers a bit more quickly. The second step was realizing that amongst everything I had read, watched, and heard about women at work, that none of that content was actually helpful in my everyday life. It was informative and inspirational, but it didn't help me transform my day-to-day struggles. This is what made me believe that there was something missing and that what I had learned in my experience could be helpful to others. I wrote what I wished I had found when I started! 

4. Your book began as a podcast series and you were able to speak directly with the listeners who followed you. What surprised you most about the reactions you got from your audience? 
I was really touched by the reactions I received because many people told me the podcast was useful. That it actually helped them navigate better, understand their environment better and know what to do when they were facing challenges. This was huge for me! It was really important that Les Règles du Jeu was not only a conversation about women at work but something that could actually make a difference. I felt really touched. 

5. When did you realize that there was more to be done with the material and that a book was a way for you to go even further and reach even more women?
For me, Les Règles du Jeu has always been the tip of the iceberg. A very concrete, "actionable" toolbox for everyday life at work. But the reasoning that led me there is much broader and I felt the content needed to be developed. More experience sharing, more anecdotes, more concrete advice for the everyday life, but also more perspective and a full reasoning that helps women adopt the right mindset at work, and an actual method to be able to act and take advantage of every situation at work.  

6. You had to overcome a lot of your own personal doubts and insecurities to get your voice and your ideas into the world. What helped you move ahead despite those fears?
The feeling to be useful and that my experience could help others get the most of their professional situations.  

7. What did you enjoy most about writing this book? What discoveries did you make about yourself and about your subject matter along the way? 
I love writing! But writing a book is so difficult! At first I thought it was like writing a very long essay. It is nothing like it! It takes so much discipline and faith in what you do. I learned how determined I was to bring that content out and how much effort I was ready to put in it. The more I dove in the subject, the more complex it felt, but also the clearer the message of the book became: start with "how." The question of equality in the workplace cannot be globally solved in a day. The causes are too complex and the inertia of a society, a company, a group is too big to see it happen quickly. However it is an urgent matter! Because our careers are happening now, today. So in order to see an actual change at our individual level in the short term, we need to forget the "whys" a little and focus on the "hows:" how can I get the most out of this situation? How can I promote my work better? How can I get more money? etc. And the book answers those "hows." 

8. Of all of the rules, which ones resonate the most for you? 
You cannot please everyone! 

9. Which rules continue to guide you and inspire you to move forward with your projects?
Les plats ne repassent pas. Seize the day!

10. What's the ONE THING that you hope people feel by reading your book? 
Legitimate to give everything they have to reach their goals, and empowered to do so.  

Find me in le club

There’s nothing more exciting than the birth of a dream project. Especially when you know how freaking awesome it’s going to be! 

Which is why you must check out the Business O Féminin Club coming to Paris next month and read my interview below with its founder, Véronique Forge-Karibian. 

I met Veronique for coffee a few months ago at the suggestion of my good friend Ajiri and we hit it off immediately. Véronique and I chatted about our past careers in marketing and journalism and how we’re both passionate about helping women express their full potential professionally. 

Six years ago Véronique launched businessofeminin.com, a dynamic media hub devoted to women in business, and it’s been her dream ever since to bring her platform to life.

Apollonia Poilâne fell in love with the idea and decided to lend Véronique a gorgeous space down the road from her family's famed Parisian bakery in order to test the concept from October 1st-18th.  

The pop-up will consist of a café serving Poilâne treats, a shop stocked with innovative women-owned brands, a library of empowering reads, a lovely lounge to chill and chit-chat and an inspiring events series of workshops and conferences to accelerate women’s personal and professional development. 

I’ll be participating in the project by hosting two vision board workshops on October 11th and 18th.

If you’re in Paris and interested in coming to any of the events use the special -20% promo code. (BFLOVERS)

photo by: Ajiri @Madame de la Maison

Read my Q&A with Business O Féminin Club founder Véronique Forge-Karibian

What inspired you to create the Business O Féminin Club? How long has the idea been brewing? What made you decide to finally go for it?

I organised a couple of events in Paris and London for the Business O Féminin community, including a sold-out breakfast with Arianna Huffington that over one hundred women attended. I realized then the need to go beyond one-off talks and instead offer a program that could accelerate women’s professional development and help them acquire new skills and develop their talents. I also think we need places where women can learn, share and connect with women outside their professional networks in order to create more diversity and inspiration.

What was the hardest part of pulling this project together? What challenges seemed insurmountable and how did you overcome them?

The hardest thing is always to convince people to embark in your adventure, sponsors for example. Apollonia Poilâne, CEO of Poilâne, was the first to believe in this project and support me with a space to host this club. I am grateful for her support so early on to bring this project to life. We were fortunate to also have ENGIE’s enthusiastic support within days! It’s rare for such big organisations to lend their support so quickly. With the coaches and experts, they were also very positive and saw the value in bringing all the different skill trainings in one place.Finally, the women professionals I encounter on a daily basis are excited and find this format to be innovative but also much in demand.

Six months from now, looking back, what do you hope people will say about how their experience at the Club affected them and changed their lives?

I hear so many women questioning their professional and personal lives yet they don’t know where to start. I hope that our workshops and meet-ups will give them the knowledge, skills and confidence to make the right decisions and empower them to make positive changes in their lives. We have had women contact us for courses for all kinds of reasons from wanting to change careers (e.g. banking to start up) to just learning a new topic such as personal branding. I hope all these women will look back and talk about their experience and how profound a change we were able to make in their lives, whether through learning a new skill, gaining confidence, meeting new people and so on.

What do you personally hope to learn from this project?

I want to how learn to create the right environment for our audience. This includes the venue, decorations, themes, content, communications and the economics behind it all. Through my work at Business O Féminin, I was fortunate to have a wide network of exceptional women who could be partners: Valérie Gerbi, artistic director at Merci concept store was just the person we needed to decorate and theme our space with Ajiri Aki from Madame de la Maison adding a touch of beautiful vintage and Amanda de Montal bringing her exceptional scented candles to the club.

Where will people find you during these next few weeks? What events and experiences are you looking forward to the most?

I am looking forward to spending my next three weeks at the club meetings, participating and learning as much as possible about what we can improve for next time. We have decided to cover a wide range of topics from personal branding and public speaking to learning how to code and how to go about starting a new business. Our coaches have varied backgrounds such Olivia Penichou who previously was Communication Director for Christine Lagarde. We will also host special evenings such as the one organised for La Maison des Femmes de Saint Denis, an organisation that helps sexually harassed women and FGM (female genital mutilation) victims to rebuild their lives. We hope to be able to raise money for the founder Ghada Hatem as we are very inspired by their work. The other important meeting will be end of November “Pitch night” which enable start-ups who want to raise funds to pitch in front of business angels and VC’s.

What’s next?

Business O Féminin Club will last three weeks in October but we plan to take all our learnings and create something bigger and more permanent in the very near future.

Hope to see you at the Club!

PS. For the full calendar of events head over here. The direct links to my workshop are here (Oct 11) and here (Oct 18). Spots are super limited and the prices are very friendly so get on it! And don't forget to use the BFLOVERS promo code for a 20% discount. 

Beware of the chairs

Chairs. They provide comfort. Security. A soft spot to land a tired tush at the end of the day. And if you work at a desk eight hours a day, they definitely know your butt better than you do. 

But they’re deceptive objects: they support us, but they also condition us. Leaving us a bit numb and indifferent to spontaneous opportunities and whims.

Did you know that the fewer chairs you have at a party the happier your guests will be?

I learned that at my previous job in marketing where we regularly hosted events for our community.

Events were the glue that kept our community close. Without them, the social seams that we worked so hard to build unraveled quickly. Needless to say, we became damn good at party-throwing.

As soon as we entered a venu we removed all chairs in sight. 

Stacking them up in closets, behind bars, under blankets, so that when the first guests arrived they they had no where to hide. (If you’re wondering, the second most important thing is to have the music playing by the time people show up. There’s nothing sadder than a music-less party, ami right?!).

Speaking of parties. I held my first little gathering for my coaching clients a few weeks ago. It’s been a dream of mine since before I became a coach to build a community of awesome, inspiring women.

Women who don’t know each other. Who come from different backgrounds. Who come with different expertise. Who come from different generations. From different cultures. Who have different projects and dreams. 

What would these fabulous women talk about? What common threads would they discover? How would they help each other? Get inspired? Partner or even create a project together? I just loved the idea that something could spring to life out of their unique and bizarre alchemy. 

So here I am. A “certified” event thrower hosting the most meaningful gathering of my coaching career, and I forgot the cardinal party rule. 

Busy welcoming people and setting up their pot-lock treats, ten minutes into the party I looked around and found a perfectly polite group of women seated shyly around a table. Hesitant to speak. Stiff and self-conscious. 

Why? Because I forgot to hide the chairs!!

I could have just left them there, of course. Hoping “the mayonnaise would take” as they say in French, that these disparate ingredients would somehow whip themselves up into a seamless blend. 

But I made an executive decision. I told everyone that at the count of three they all had to stand up and forget the chairs existed, kicking those social crutches to the curb for the evening. 

They indulged me (I am their coach, after all). And the energy shifted just like that. People started milling about. Conversations got louder. Little groups came together. Numbers were exchanged. Bonds were formed, and by the end of the evening they were clamoring for more opportunities to get together to share stories, learnings and challenges from their self discovery journeys.  

The mayonnaise did take. In large part thanks to the forbidden chairs.

So I ask you, what proverbial chairs could you move to side to loosen up your moves?

What’s supporting you just a little too much?
What crutches are you turning to that you likely don't need as much as you think?
What if those "chairs" weren’t there? 
What would you do? 
Who would you navigate towards? 
What muscles would you strengthen? 
And where would those muscles take you?


Let me know what comes up. 

PS. Speaking of chairs, I've got two seats left at my upcoming Vision Board workshop in Paris on June 21st. Head over here to reserve your spot. 

How to get over self-sabotaging thoughts and feelings? Part 3 of 3.

This is the final instalment of a three-part series about limiting beliefs: how to identify them, uncover their emotional power, and ultimately transform them into thoughts that “spark joy" and help you move forward with meaning. Click here to read the first part and here to read the second part. 

A bow-tied Jiminy Cricket with a head full of question marks

A black, viscous, oily splotch 

An oval face with empty eyes and a gaping mouth

A green carnival mask 

Are these clues from a dated detective board game? 

Or elusive fragments from an epic dream?

All good guesses, but they’re actually illustrations of limiting beliefs drawn by some of my clients. 

And they play a critical role in how to send your self-sabotaging thoughts and emotions packing in order to free up space for those that spark joy instead.  


Before we get into that, let's recap what we’ve uncovered in these last two blog posts:

• We learned how to detect thoughts and beliefs that are self-sabotaging and fear-based.

• We learned how those thoughts and beliefs trigger emotions and then actions.

I’m not sure which beliefs you’d like to transform, but let’s play with one that many women hear with the volume on full-blast. 

“I’m not good enough.”

Did you know that if women don’t feel 100% qualified for a position they won’t apply for it, while men apply if they think they meet just 60% of the job criteria?

That’s exactly how a limiting belief like “I’m not good enough” can translate into emotions such as fear and insecurity which then trigger actions (or inaction in this case). 

So how do we go about unraveling that belief, or at least diminishing its grip on our lives?

Step 1: Investigate

Let’s say you hear “I’m not good enough” on loop in your mind. Your mission now is to slip into the shoes of a detective—impartial but passionate—and learn everything you can about this sentence as if your job depends on it.

• When exactly does it pop up?

• What are you doing when you hear it? 

• What are you doing right before you hear it?

• What does it actually sound like? 

• Who’s voice is speaking?

• What are the characteristics of the voice?

• How familiar is it? 

• What color is it?

• What shape is it?

• Who shows up in your life in the way that this voice does?
  
  

Step 2:  Draw

Once you have as much information as you can possibly gather about this belief, where it likes to hang out, when it decides to pop up, what it sounds like, what it smells like, what it looks like, from its color to its shape and size. When you have all of those details figured out, go ahead and draw it. 

Step 3: Absorb

So what does “I’m not good enough” look like? 

• Is it fat or skinny?

• Is it liquid or solid? 

• Is it an amorphose blob?

• A familiar face?

• A TV character?

• Is it an object?

• Is it an animal?

• Is it large and looming, or can you fit it in your pocket?

Whatever it is, welcome it. Without judgement or disgust. And see what sensations come up in your body when you look at it.

Step 4: Listen 

Now that you’ve gotten really comfortable with this new character and the sensations it creates when you’re around it, the next step is to listen to what it really has to say. Treat it like a friend that you haven’t seen for a while and that you’re excited to catch up with. Here are some of the questions you can ask it:

• What are you doing here?

• What do you want me to know?

• What are you most concerned about?

• What are you trying to protect me from?

• What do you need from me?

Step 4: Share

Now that you know what keeps this voice up at night, what pushes its buttons, what it’s trying to protect you from, and how it most wants to be reassured, let it know that you’ve heard and respected its message. And it's your turn now to speak. 

• What do you want to tell it? 

• What does it need to know about how its presence is impacting your life? 

• What is it preventing you from doing?

• How can you can co-exist as partners?

• How can the voice continue to look out for you without holding you back?

Step 5: Transform

Bravo! You’ve successfully transformed your limiting belief from an all-controlling, fear-inducing, action-sabotaging mystery into a defined persona with needs and wants of its own. It's now a character that you can interact with, and potentially cohabitate with. Maybe it’s even donned a cute little Jiminy Cricket outfit, or a dazzling green mask. 

But do you want to keep it in your wardrobe of beliefs? Does it truly spark joy?

If it doesn’t, then what belief could take its place? 

Let’s go back to “I’m not good enough” as an example. 

Here are some beliefs that you could swap it for while still respecting its legacy:

“I’m getting better at this.”

“There’s a really good chance I can do this.”

“I’m excited to try this out.”

“I want to see where this goes.”

“This is part of my process.”

“I can go at my own pace.”

“If I stumble, I can get back up”

“I’m not alone.”

Step 6: Scan for Joy
What emotions and sensations do those beliefs bring up? How do they feel in your body? You like what they're doing for you? You more comfortable, relaxed, confident? Are you moving around with a bit more ease?

Do a scan and really absorb what's going on in your body and remember this: you have the ability to change the beliefs in your mind. So there's no reason to settle for a belief that keeps you cut-off and restricted from your best self. You can't afford it. This world can't afford it. Eh Voila! 

Alrighty! I hope you’ve enjoyed this series as much as I have had researching and writing it. I’d love any feedback about which of these posts (if any) have resonated with you. And please definitely let me know if you’ve swapped out any of your beliefs for ones that spark more joy in the wardrobe of your mind.