Let Out Your Inner Child

My husband’s phone buzzed. It was a message from his boss, Jason. The set list for their rock school's anniversary concert was confirmed.


Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the Beastie Boys’ Fight For Your Right on the roster.

My inner child screamed “That’s my song, I want to sing it!” 

Before I could think twice, I asked my husband if Jason would let me sing the song of my pre-teen years in front of 200 strangers.

“I don’t know, I’ll ask,” he smiled. 

Within minutes we got an enthusiastic yes, but then I immediately regretted it. “What the hell did you just get yourself into, Zeva?” I thought to myself. 

But I didn’t give in to that voice. Instead, I spent the next few weeks preparing my performance by shouting, jumping and nailing every bit of Brooklyn affect I had in my DNA. 

Days before the concert, I did a run-through for my husband. As I finished the song, breathless, he gently said “you know, you don’t need to overdo it?” 

Let’s just say his advice went in one ear, and out the other. 

When I got on stage wearing my custom-made Beastie Boys shirt, my heart racing, the crowd going nuts, the spotlight shining on my face and the thermostat all of the sudden on high, there was nothing holding me back. I OVERDID IT BIG TIME!

And guess what? It was one of the most fun experiences I’ve ever had in my life. 

Where am I going with this,? 

In addition to wanting to share this personal triumph with you, I realized there’s more to it than I first understood:
 

1. I was a very shy girl growing up. And when Fight For Your Right came out in 1986 I was at the height of my awkward pre-teens. I was chubby, and had a curtain of 80s bangs over my forehead that served as a shield. So when the anthem from that exact period appeared on the set list, I think it was that self-conscious little girl in me that perked up. She finally felt ready be seen, and get her groove on. My performance was a rush, a release, and a reparation. I think I made her extremely proud. 
    

2. We’re often worried about having the right qualifications, or being legitimate, to say something, or try something new. But just showing up in an enthusiastic, joyful, positive, way, can be the gift that’s needed at that very moment. I made a ton of mistakes on stage, but it didn’t matter. The excitement I communicated was contagious. I even got another gig out of it! Could this be the beginning of my Beastie Boys cover band career? Stay tuned...
    

3. The day after my performance I spoke with a friend who signed up to do something she’s always dreamed of doing but was terrified to try: stand-up comedy. She said, “I challenged myself this year to do scary things that I knew I could handle, and I’ve always wanted to try stand-up.” As the words came out of her mouth, I knew she was speaking a truth much larger than her own. I think we’re living in a post-pandemic age where we've learned to discern paralysing fear (aka, we might die if we catch an airborne virus) to I-can-handle-this-kind-of-fear, fear (aka, daring ourselves to do something thrilling and new).
    

4. Tying this all together in a neat little bow, what I’m sensing is that we're craving experiences that remind us that we're alive. We want to feel new things. We want to laugh. We want to rejoice. We want to connect. We want vitality. And that might mean we need to move past our manageable fears, and come out wide-eyed and wind-swept, on the other side of it.
    

So, here’s a little challenge for you. What’s something you’ve always wanted to try that scares you, but that you know you’d have an absolute blast trying? Something that maybe your inner child craves? 

Is it singing? Writing sonnets? Tap dancing? Joining a theatre group? Going on a wild trip? Learning a new sport? 

Book a free call and let’s discuss what that inner child inside of you is curious to finally try. 

Neuroscience Nuggets #6: The Progress Loop

I had a misty-eyed “goodbye for now” send off recently with a client who just wrapped up her coaching program with me. 

We went through the coaching goals created in our first sessions together, celebrating them line by line and shrieking at times because many of her wilful predictions came true in larger-than-expected ways. 

Like her goal to grow deeper in her field as a writer and journalist, develop and share her unique perspective on her subject matter with a wider audience. 

At the time she wrote that goal, the thought of speaking in public literally made her queasy. 

But guess what, not only has she been interviewed on podcasts, she just launched her own podcast and signed with a NYC literary agent who’s working with her on her first book proposal.

But how did she get there? How did she suddenly become so confident, scoring agents, speaking gigs and launching podcasts?

Those are all great questions, and they lead me to this week’s neuroscience nugget:

The common misconception is that in order to launch a new project, say the hard thing, or stand up for a cause, you first need to hit the “confidence store” to stock up on motivation like a jumbo pack of toilet paper before a pandemic. 

But the neuroscience shows that motivation and confidence are generated because of action, not before it. 

We need to first do the thing in order to reap the benefits of feeling confident and motivated. 

It’s our brain’s reward response for experiencing success at a particular task. 

But how can we hack the system so that we know we’ll be successful at a task before we do it?

The simplest way to do that is to break our goals down into small, 100% achievable steps that we know we can’t fail at.


The process is called the progress loop, or The Progress Principle, a concept coined by authors Teresa Amabile and Steven Kramer during their research into the forward momentum of meaningful work. 

With each new small success, your brains says “way to go, you did it!” by creating a neurotransmitter called Dopamine that makes you feel motivated and empowered to go after the next small challenge on your list. 

For my client, Paige McClanahan, the progress loop kicked off when she said yes to a speaking opportunity even though the thought of doing it made her want to vomit. 

So, the first task was something she knew she could succeed at: just say yes to the opportunity. 

“I knew if I said no it would be out of fear,” she explains. “It was saying yes that led to the next step of growth. It wasn’t perfect, but in a sense that was the most motivating thing about it. The overriding emotion was confidence that I could do it better the next time. And then, all of the sudden, the idea for a podcast came to me fully-formed.”

“The Better Travel Podcast,” which Paige launched this week, never would have seen the day had she not begun the progress loop by simply saying yes to an opportunity. 

So, now here are some questions for you:

1. What important personal or professional goal is just so damn huge that your brain can’t muster the motivation to go after it?

2. How could you break that goal down into totally achievable bite-size chunks that you know you can succeed?

3. What’s the easiest first step you can take to kick off the progress loop and get your brain’s reward response working on your behalf?

Unmasking and overcoming imposter syndrome

I’ve got a serious-as-all-hell bone to pick. And it’s not about the man currently in the White House whose name makes my blood boil. 

I’m talking about another mother of all evil: Imposter syndrome. 

When I sense its presence I literally want to stand up, scream at the top of my lungs, and start throwing the contents of my bookshelf on the ground like a lunatic. 

Why? Because its presence hisses through the words of my clients telling me why they don’t have what it takes to go after what they want.

That whatever proof exists that they DO have what it takes— like experience, skills, passion, intuition, desire, creativity, energy, praise,, determination—NEVER add up to enough. 

It’s a classic battle of reality vs fantasy (which is a theme very much on trend considering the biggest imposter on the planet is currently using fantasy to lock in his power). 

Why does reality have such a hard time winning against fantasy? 

Why do women feel like imposters when there’s ample evidence they’re extremely (if not overly) qualified to level up, go after and defend what they care about?

You know that imposter syndrome is speaking when you hear sentences like:

“I won’t  be taken seriously.”

“My argument is going to fall apart .”

“I don’t have the vocabulary to be convincing.”

“There are so many things I don’t know well enough, they’re going to find out I’m a fraud.”

“I’m not credible enough.”

Those thoughts lack proof and wouldn’t necessarily hold up when put to the test. 

• How do you know you won’t be taken seriously?

• How do you know your argument is going to fall apart?

• How do you know you’re going to lose confidence and start scrambling?

• How do you know there are more eloquent speakers on that subject?

• How do you know you lack the vocabulary to be convincing?

Take your beliefs to trial and see what evidence there is to back them up. 

If some of them hold up, ok, that's cool, now what? 

• What do you need to build up your vocabulary, learn some technical jargon, feel more confidence about the subject you’re defending?

• Do you need to research the subject?

• Ask a specialist for their input?

• Practice getting your talking points in order?

In my opinion imposter syndrome is two forces working at once:

1. Strength devaluation. Because our strengths flow so naturally and show up with little effort, we have a tendency (especially as women) to undervalue our inherent skills and strengths. We take them for granted and think that everyone is just like us. 

2. Lack amplification. Because of our historic and cultural underrepresentation in leadership roles we believe that we don’t belong and won’t be taken seriously unless we know everything, have every skill, master every friggin possible situation and scenario. 

I feel like the antidote to imposter syndrome is to flesh out each bucket and get as granular and evidence-curious as you can.

• What are your “empirically proven” strengths? (If you don’t know, ask around!)

• How can you amplify them?

• What knowledge or skills are you missing that you know will really help you move the needle? 

• How can you cultivate them, delegate them, practice them?

• And what’s the next bravest move you can take to get the ball rolling?

Let me know how this message lands for you. 

More than ever I’m on a mission to make sure that women never bulk under the weight of unverified beliefs that keep them from their purpose and power. We just can’t afford that. Not today, not tomorrow. 

PS. I’m going to be doing an Instagram live on December 3rd 2020 at 12h30 CET with one of my clients, Christelle Tissot Grosset, founder of the new media platform Müsae. We’ll be talking about her journey unmasking and overcoming her imposter experience to move forward with her exciting new media project. Follow me over on Instagram to listen in.

Reinvent your new normal

The men were chanting and swaying together while the women locked arms in a festive traditional dance. 


In the middle of the elaborate wedding scene in the fabulous new Netflix mini-series Unorthodox, I lost track of the story. All I could see were human bodies. 

Healthy living bodies. 

Lots of them in the same room.

Celebrating together. 

Moving together. 

Sweating together. 

Breathing in the same air. 

My eyes welled up with this thought: “When will people be able to get together like this again?”

As the initial stress and adrenaline of the first weeks of confinement subside, something else is happening: collective grief is giving way to aching acceptance a renewed sense of meaning. (this article explains the process brilliantly).

As a new reality sets in we’re learning to define and appreciate what matters most to us. 

When you peel back the layers of life as we’ve all been forced to do these last two weeks, suddenly you see with sharp clarity what counts most:

• My friend told me through tears the other day that she realizes how much she loves her life and how scary it is to think it could be taken from her.

• One client told me that she’s no longer willing to suffer at her job and is finally ready to leave it after15 years.

• And my son shocked us the other night at dinner claiming to love school because “each day feels different.” 

This period, while surreal and scary as hell, is also like a vinaigrette that’s been made hours before the guests arrive— the oil and acid have pulled away from each other into distinctly visible parts. 

So I have an idea for you, friend, what if instead of trying to quickly whip that vinaigrette up into a frothy homogenous dressing, you let it sit and separate some more to see what those parts look like? 

I’ve created new exercise called Reinvent Your New Normal that helps you do just that—see what matters most to you so that you can invent alternative ways to nurture those things (even in confinement) and roll into the post-confinement world with a clearer vision, and stronger tools, for moving forward with meaning.

Click here to get the free exercise sent to your inbox.

Be sure to email me (zeva@zevabellel.com) after you've completed the exercise so that I can give you some feedback and help you along your way. 

I hope that you and your loved ones are safe and in good heath. 

Trying to get a grip on this new reality of ours? I've got you covered with my brand new worksheet Reinvent Your New Normal. You can get the free worksheet  sent to you by clicking here. Feel free to share this post. It could be a great exercise to do with friends and loved ones in order to feel close and connected even at a  distance.

Are you wildly growing or overly-designing your professional path?

My biggest adolescent annoyance was my mom’s unshakable trust in me. 

While my friends were pushed into engineering programs or into schools where their siblings went, my mom would say “Why should I tell you what to do when you always make great decisions on your own?”

Arggh!!! That drove me nuts! I wanted someone to GIVE ME THE ANSWER. To become a doctor or lawyer or dancer or writer or whatever. Just tell me!

The most advice she would offer was: “Zeva, just be an interesting person.” 

I couldn’t help laughing about my mom’s wisdom while listening to the developmental psychologist Alison Gopnik recently on the podcast On Being. 

Gopnik explains how “parenting” became a verb in the 1970s, and how over time parents have become more and more hands-on, helicoptering over their kids, bulldozing problems out of the way in order to architect lives to match a preconceived model of perfection. (If you need proof, have a look at the 50 people charged in the college admissions bribery scandal)

She calls this type of parenting “carpentering” mode, and thinks it’s a terrible invention. 

By trying to eliminate all risks and failures and control the outcome like a carpenter, smoothing and sanding the sides of a bookshelf, we wind up raising dependent, terrified humans who are ill-equipped for the evolving challenges of the world

Gopnik advocates for a different parenting model: the “gardening” variety. Instead of focusing on creating the perfect person, you focus on creating a loving, nurturing space where experimentation and discovery can thrive so that a diverse and resilient ecosystem emerges. She explains:

“Love’s purpose is not to shape our beloved’s destiny, but to help them shape their own. It isn’t to show them the way, but to help them find a path for themselves, even if the path they take isn’t one we would choose ourselves, or even one we would choose for them."

This all made me think not only about my childhood and the wild gardening my mom did with me, but also how these models apply to the self-discovery work we do when trying to get clear on our next professional path. 

Do we measure and predict what's going to happen with a specific image of perfection in mind, or do we sow our seeds in a loving environment and see how they can grow in unpredictably beautiful ways?
 

Whether or not you have kids, you were a kid, so what was the environment like for you?

Were you raised like a carpenter’s child or a gardener’s child?

More importantly how are you growing your life today? 

Are you creating a nurturing space for experimentation, discovery and variety?  Or are you measuring, chiseling, and sanding your angles down to a precise science? 

Let me know what comes up!

PS. My mom still never tells me what to do, but now I like it that way.! 

PPS. In my upcoming group online coaching program I’m slathering on some sunscreen, getting out my rubber boots, and heading into to garden to plant a lot of self-discovery seeds to see which ones spark your path forward. If you’d like to learn more about it, book a call with me here:



Override the panic button

I was in bed with an elephant on my chest. It wasn't the first time I felt that kind of pain. It had been going on for a few days. Should I tell my husband about it? Or was it all in my head? 

My father-in-law had passed away a year prior from a sudden heart attack. He had had pain in his stomach for a few days that were the early signs that something was wrong. He didn't catch them fast enough. 

Was I doing the same? Was I having a silent heart attack?

I caved in and told my husband who calmly said it was probably nothing but that I should get it checked out. 

It was cold in my doctor's office. I kept my winter coat on in the waiting room as I scrolled mindlessly on my phone. 

It was early January 2018, and I had just tipped into the second and final year of my unemployment benefits. In one year I'd be 100% on my own. 

The date loomed in my mind. "Was I making the right decision to become a coach?" "Could I survive financially?" "Would I be any good at it?" 'Should I just go back to marketing?" "Should I answer some ads on LinkedIn?" "What if this is all a big waste of time and I lose these precious months of benefits to get a full time job?"

My doctor asked what was going on. I told him about the pain in my chest and that I was a bit stressed out because I had a tipped into the final year of unemployment while I transitioned to a new career and was spending my days in cafés drinking a million coffees while I built my coaching website. 

He examined me and then said, "You're not having a heart attack. Just stop drinking so much coffee and go back to your full-time job if you don't want the stress of owning your own business. It's hard." 

And that was that! 

I listened to just half of his advice. Can you guess which half, Zeva?

I was reminded of this story this week when a client had that deep, heavy feeling in her chest the day after she announced her new business to her contacts, and was debating whether to throw in the towel and go back to her old line of work.

I think she and I both experienced the "point of no return" panic button that our brains hit when they feel us tilting into a truly new territory. As you sink deeper and deeper in love with your new path, your brain starts freaking out like an old boyfriend trying to woo you back. 

"But wait, it wasn't all that bad, right?"
"You've had some time to relax and take a break, isn't it time just go back to what you know?"
"Play it safe."
"The unknown is scary and hard. Beware!"

All it takes is a sharp-witted doctor, a worried parent or a friend with a fab new promotion, to cue your brain to strum up its favorite fear-mongering phrases. 

I'm here to say: don't let your fears lead you off your path! Listen to them, welcome them, but explore what's really going on under the surface.

What do you really need right now? 

Very often you're just looking for a concrete sign that you are moving in the right direction, and need a friendly reminder to ease off the caffeine!