Our Genes Have Emotional Memories Too

An old newspaper clipping posted in our family’s Facebook group made every cell in my body tingle. 

Published in the Humboldt, Iowa, local newspaper in 1921, the article described my great grandmother’s epic exodus from her war-torn Russian village to her safe arrival in her new American town. 

Here's an excerpt:

“Finally Mrs. Serber secured aid and six months ago succeeded in reaching Roumania. One of her daughters died, and Mrs. Serber and the remaining child finally reached Paris. Snuggling on their way, mother and daughter were helped to Belgium. She arrived in Antwerp and sailed on the steamer Lapland. After ten days at sea the mother and daughter were landed at Ellis Island.”

I already knew about my great grandmother’s horrific loss of her two-year-old daughter, Myala, who fell fatally ill during their treacherous journey over. But what I didn’t know, yet viscerally felt, was that my great grandmother had passed through Paris on her way to America. 

For as long as I’ve been irrationally obsessed with France I’ve wondered what hidden forces drew me to this culture, this country, and more specifically, Paris. 

Discovering that my great grandmother had once walked the City of Light's cobblestoned streets felt like a small clue. 

Maybe she loved the city, and wished she could return under different circumstances. 

Maybe she felt at home, but had to push on. 

Maybe something magical, or mysterious happened to her here. 

Maybe she saw the bustling boulevards filled with cafes and escaped her misery for a moment over coffee with some locals. 

In any case, I feel like she passed a Parisian seed through the family gene pool that germinated and blossomed inside of me.  

Often in my coaching a client is deeply attached to an emotion, narrative or system of beliefs that feels so entrenched that it could well be ancient history. 

In our exploration, we sometimes find that these feelings and thoughts have been transmitted invisibly over generations, like familiar hand-me-downs you’ve been wearing for years, but whose original owners are long gone. 

The latest research in epigenetics reveals that our genes have a “memory” and that unprocessed emotions and experiences can be transmitted from one generation to another. 

If you're curious like me  about the provenance of certain longings, behaviors and emotions, I highly recommend the riveting new non-fiction book, Emotional Inheritance. 

Written by Dr. Galit Atlas, an Israeli psychoanalyst who lives in New York, the book is presented as a fascinating series of therapy vignettes. In each chapter we go behind-the-scenes as Atlas and her patients unravel present-day problems by uncovering and processing emotional material that sometimes goes back generations. As Atlas explains "when we heal ourselves, we also begin to heal the generations that came before us: our parents; our grandparents; our great grandparents and beyond."

Run, don’t walk to pick up your copy.  It's one of the most thrilling, and mind-bending books I've read in years and I’m sure it will be made into a Netflix series! 

Neuroscience Nuggets #6: The Progress Loop

I had a misty-eyed “goodbye for now” send off recently with a client who just wrapped up her coaching program with me. 

We went through the coaching goals created in our first sessions together, celebrating them line by line and shrieking at times because many of her wilful predictions came true in larger-than-expected ways. 

Like her goal to grow deeper in her field as a writer and journalist, develop and share her unique perspective on her subject matter with a wider audience. 

At the time she wrote that goal, the thought of speaking in public literally made her queasy. 

But guess what, not only has she been interviewed on podcasts, she just launched her own podcast and signed with a NYC literary agent who’s working with her on her first book proposal.

But how did she get there? How did she suddenly become so confident, scoring agents, speaking gigs and launching podcasts?

Those are all great questions, and they lead me to this week’s neuroscience nugget:

The common misconception is that in order to launch a new project, say the hard thing, or stand up for a cause, you first need to hit the “confidence store” to stock up on motivation like a jumbo pack of toilet paper before a pandemic. 

But the neuroscience shows that motivation and confidence are generated because of action, not before it. 

We need to first do the thing in order to reap the benefits of feeling confident and motivated. 

It’s our brain’s reward response for experiencing success at a particular task. 

But how can we hack the system so that we know we’ll be successful at a task before we do it?

The simplest way to do that is to break our goals down into small, 100% achievable steps that we know we can’t fail at.


The process is called the progress loop, or The Progress Principle, a concept coined by authors Teresa Amabile and Steven Kramer during their research into the forward momentum of meaningful work. 

With each new small success, your brains says “way to go, you did it!” by creating a neurotransmitter called Dopamine that makes you feel motivated and empowered to go after the next small challenge on your list. 

For my client, Paige McClanahan, the progress loop kicked off when she said yes to a speaking opportunity even though the thought of doing it made her want to vomit. 

So, the first task was something she knew she could succeed at: just say yes to the opportunity. 

“I knew if I said no it would be out of fear,” she explains. “It was saying yes that led to the next step of growth. It wasn’t perfect, but in a sense that was the most motivating thing about it. The overriding emotion was confidence that I could do it better the next time. And then, all of the sudden, the idea for a podcast came to me fully-formed.”

“The Better Travel Podcast,” which Paige launched this week, never would have seen the day had she not begun the progress loop by simply saying yes to an opportunity. 

So, now here are some questions for you:

1. What important personal or professional goal is just so damn huge that your brain can’t muster the motivation to go after it?

2. How could you break that goal down into totally achievable bite-size chunks that you know you can succeed?

3. What’s the easiest first step you can take to kick off the progress loop and get your brain’s reward response working on your behalf?

Client Profile: Clara Moley rewrites Les Règles du Jeu

When I sit down with a client we never really know where our journey is going to take us.  We define the direction and ideal outcome, strap on our seat belts, and go. Months later, our final destination is always infinitely more interesting than anything we imagined before we set out.

It's like packing the car and heading out on a road trip for the beach in Marseille, and then finding yourself on the shores of your own private island, dressed in a fabulous sarong, surrounded by your best mates in a house that's stocked with your favorite foods. 

Which is why I totally love the story of my former client and newly published author, Clara Moley.

Clara worked as a raw materials trader in Brazil for many years. During her time there, she realized that the rules of the game for getting ahead as a woman in a very male industry were heavily stacked against her. And when she tried in vain to get the support and clarity she needed from her entourage or other women in similar situations, she realized that she'd have to invent her own rules. 

Clara nurtured that idea and let it guide her into a personal and professional passion.

Even though she didn't really know where the idea would take her, she let it grow— first into a podcast series and then into Les Règles du Jeu, a riveting memoir and brilliant playbook that just hit the French bookshelves this week.

Clara's journey was filled with doubt and fear.

Exposing your ideas and your story always is,  dear friend.  But it's how you move forward despite the fear that counts the most, how you take control of your destiny by believing that what you have to say far outweighs the risk of exposing yourself to judgement or critique. 

I'm so insanely proud of Clara for conquering her fears and delivering this gorgeous and powerful book to the world.

Please enjoy this interview with her and go buy her book, which you can find in bookstores in France (en français).

Q&A with Clara Moley, author of Les Règles du Jeu: 

1. The message behind your book is very clear: school and work have completely different rules. Being a good student isn't enough in the professional world and effort isn't naturally rewarded. Especially as women, we need to rewrite the rules of the game to get what we want professionally. What experience first sealed that idea for you?
I was asked to deliver a super complicated analysis about market price evolution within a week. I worked full time on it for a whole week, did extra hours to get it right and was pretty satisfied with the results. I was supposed to deliver the results during a Monday morning meeting the following week. The day comes, the meeting goes by the usual way. I see the clock running and no sign from my boss that it's my turn to speak about the analysis. At some point he looks at the clock and goes "OK markets are about to open let's go!" I raised my hand and said, "What about the analysis?" He said there was no time and we'd just get to it the following week. I was SO mad and frustrated when I came back to my desk that I opened an email, put all the conclusions of the analysis in it, graphs, etc and sent it to ALL the traders of the company. Worldwide. About 50 people. THAT moment, that email changed everything for me because for the first time I did something I wasn't told to do. For the first time I took the initiative to do the right thing for me, without being asked or authorized, to promote my work just because I felt it was worth it. What can I do that I wasn't asked to do? That's when my mindset changed. 

2. How did you feel when you realized that you needed a new set of rules to get to where you wanted to be? 
Empowered! The moment I understood that I wasn't the problem, I just had the problem wrong, a new horizon of possibilities opened for me. I felt in charge, meaning that I was responsible for my own path. It was a big change from the passive nature of the school environment. I felt empowered because I realized how of much of the path was actually in my hands. I just needed to explore all of my options. 

3. It's one thing to come up with your own system for navigating the world, but what made you believe that others needed to hear what you knew? What belief took you to the next step of developing your ideas?
The very first step was talking with my girlfriends and realizing we were all going through similar challenges and looking for answers. Working in an all male environment certainly helped me to formulate those answers a bit more quickly. The second step was realizing that amongst everything I had read, watched, and heard about women at work, that none of that content was actually helpful in my everyday life. It was informative and inspirational, but it didn't help me transform my day-to-day struggles. This is what made me believe that there was something missing and that what I had learned in my experience could be helpful to others. I wrote what I wished I had found when I started! 

4. Your book began as a podcast series and you were able to speak directly with the listeners who followed you. What surprised you most about the reactions you got from your audience? 
I was really touched by the reactions I received because many people told me the podcast was useful. That it actually helped them navigate better, understand their environment better and know what to do when they were facing challenges. This was huge for me! It was really important that Les Règles du Jeu was not only a conversation about women at work but something that could actually make a difference. I felt really touched. 

5. When did you realize that there was more to be done with the material and that a book was a way for you to go even further and reach even more women?
For me, Les Règles du Jeu has always been the tip of the iceberg. A very concrete, "actionable" toolbox for everyday life at work. But the reasoning that led me there is much broader and I felt the content needed to be developed. More experience sharing, more anecdotes, more concrete advice for the everyday life, but also more perspective and a full reasoning that helps women adopt the right mindset at work, and an actual method to be able to act and take advantage of every situation at work.  

6. You had to overcome a lot of your own personal doubts and insecurities to get your voice and your ideas into the world. What helped you move ahead despite those fears?
The feeling to be useful and that my experience could help others get the most of their professional situations.  

7. What did you enjoy most about writing this book? What discoveries did you make about yourself and about your subject matter along the way? 
I love writing! But writing a book is so difficult! At first I thought it was like writing a very long essay. It is nothing like it! It takes so much discipline and faith in what you do. I learned how determined I was to bring that content out and how much effort I was ready to put in it. The more I dove in the subject, the more complex it felt, but also the clearer the message of the book became: start with "how." The question of equality in the workplace cannot be globally solved in a day. The causes are too complex and the inertia of a society, a company, a group is too big to see it happen quickly. However it is an urgent matter! Because our careers are happening now, today. So in order to see an actual change at our individual level in the short term, we need to forget the "whys" a little and focus on the "hows:" how can I get the most out of this situation? How can I promote my work better? How can I get more money? etc. And the book answers those "hows." 

8. Of all of the rules, which ones resonate the most for you? 
You cannot please everyone! 

9. Which rules continue to guide you and inspire you to move forward with your projects?
Les plats ne repassent pas. Seize the day!

10. What's the ONE THING that you hope people feel by reading your book? 
Legitimate to give everything they have to reach their goals, and empowered to do so.