Unmasking and overcoming imposter syndrome

I’ve got a serious-as-all-hell bone to pick. And it’s not about the man currently in the White House whose name makes my blood boil. 

I’m talking about another mother of all evil: Imposter syndrome. 

When I sense its presence I literally want to stand up, scream at the top of my lungs, and start throwing the contents of my bookshelf on the ground like a lunatic. 

Why? Because its presence hisses through the words of my clients telling me why they don’t have what it takes to go after what they want.

That whatever proof exists that they DO have what it takes— like experience, skills, passion, intuition, desire, creativity, energy, praise,, determination—NEVER add up to enough. 

It’s a classic battle of reality vs fantasy (which is a theme very much on trend considering the biggest imposter on the planet is currently using fantasy to lock in his power). 

Why does reality have such a hard time winning against fantasy? 

Why do women feel like imposters when there’s ample evidence they’re extremely (if not overly) qualified to level up, go after and defend what they care about?

You know that imposter syndrome is speaking when you hear sentences like:

“I won’t  be taken seriously.”

“My argument is going to fall apart .”

“I don’t have the vocabulary to be convincing.”

“There are so many things I don’t know well enough, they’re going to find out I’m a fraud.”

“I’m not credible enough.”

Those thoughts lack proof and wouldn’t necessarily hold up when put to the test. 

• How do you know you won’t be taken seriously?

• How do you know your argument is going to fall apart?

• How do you know you’re going to lose confidence and start scrambling?

• How do you know there are more eloquent speakers on that subject?

• How do you know you lack the vocabulary to be convincing?

Take your beliefs to trial and see what evidence there is to back them up. 

If some of them hold up, ok, that's cool, now what? 

• What do you need to build up your vocabulary, learn some technical jargon, feel more confidence about the subject you’re defending?

• Do you need to research the subject?

• Ask a specialist for their input?

• Practice getting your talking points in order?

In my opinion imposter syndrome is two forces working at once:

1. Strength devaluation. Because our strengths flow so naturally and show up with little effort, we have a tendency (especially as women) to undervalue our inherent skills and strengths. We take them for granted and think that everyone is just like us. 

2. Lack amplification. Because of our historic and cultural underrepresentation in leadership roles we believe that we don’t belong and won’t be taken seriously unless we know everything, have every skill, master every friggin possible situation and scenario. 

I feel like the antidote to imposter syndrome is to flesh out each bucket and get as granular and evidence-curious as you can.

• What are your “empirically proven” strengths? (If you don’t know, ask around!)

• How can you amplify them?

• What knowledge or skills are you missing that you know will really help you move the needle? 

• How can you cultivate them, delegate them, practice them?

• And what’s the next bravest move you can take to get the ball rolling?

Let me know how this message lands for you. 

More than ever I’m on a mission to make sure that women never bulk under the weight of unverified beliefs that keep them from their purpose and power. We just can’t afford that. Not today, not tomorrow. 

PS. I’m going to be doing an Instagram live on December 3rd 2020 at 12h30 CET with one of my clients, Christelle Tissot Grosset, founder of the new media platform Müsae. We’ll be talking about her journey unmasking and overcoming her imposter experience to move forward with her exciting new media project. Follow me over on Instagram to listen in.

The hidden cost of under-valuing creativity

When I was a trend reporter the rule was "one is chance, two is coincidence and three is a trend." 

And right now I have three different clients connected in a strikingly, trend-specific way.

Their common connection? As kids, they were discouraged from nurturing their creative sensibilities because their families were scared about what would happen if they decided to pursue those paths professionally.

It sounds counter-intuitive, right? You've got a kid who devours four books a week, a kid who's exceptionally gifted at music, a kid who has a passion for collecting and transforming objects, but instead of feeling excited as a parent, you feel dread.

You see when you come from a family where science, math, law, etc are the gold standards, where they're held high above anything else, it's hard as a parent to get behind the idea of developing your child's creative side. 

The discouragements, for the most part, come from fear.  "What if she become an artist? How will she support herself? Ahh, scary, no!"

But let's play a game of "Fast Forward A Few Decades," shall we? 

Your kid has the degrees, the fancy title, the safe job, but then she starts to feel completely and totally out of whack and wonder "How did I get here?" "Who was calling the shots?" "Why did I decide to climb this ladder?" 

What's the most obvious risk of being discouraged from nurturing your creative sensibilities most of your life?

The number one I've seen is the deep sadness in silencing that special spark inside of you that's the source of so much joy. That deep rift creates a hole in the heart that looks to be filled elsewhere. 

Which can lead to some other consequences I've discovered when people search for value in ways unrelated to what flows naturally:

• They lose their confidence in themselves and their ability to trust their intuition because they believe that their natural talents are worthless (literally worth-less) than other pursuits that were (and continue to be) much harder for them to excel at.
   

• They latch on to a system of reward and recognition that's outside of themselves, detached from their inner compass and emotional foundation. That system's usually about extreme effort and external signs of value that can easily lead to over-exertion, emotional exhaustion and a feeling of complete misalignment. 
   

• They forget that they already know what they like, what they're good at, what comes naturally to them, and that there are untapped possibilities for them within those worlds.

So what happens next? How do we unravel that onion and find our way back to the creative joy?

The number one stop is identifying the thoughts in your head that are telling you you're not doing it right. That you're not disciplined enough. Responsible enough. Hard-working enough. That's a telltale sign there's something stinky going on under the surface that's creating the misalignment.

Because when you peel the onion back you're bound to find that when it comes to doing the things that flow naturally, that give you pleasure, that you're innately good at, the responsibility, discipline, and effort aren't an issue. 

Do you ever feel irresponsible, undisciplined, not-good-enough?

What are you doing, or not-doing, when you say that about yourself?

When did those thoughts first appear in your mind?

And on the flip-side, what do you do naturally and without struggle without any voices telling you you're not doing it right?

Book a call and we can discuss! 

Much love to you today.

Zeva

Creating balance in chaos

Our whole division of remote employees was obsessed with it. Every team-building seminar I attended for the seven years at Yelp had a workshop about it.

Work-life balance was touted as the holy grail of professional and personal development. 

How do you stay in shape when you don’t have to commute? Why should you shower and get dressed when no one will see you all day? Why should you do one thing for yourself before checking your phone in the morning?

When I think of work-life balance I can’t help land on that clip from a few years back of BBC correspondent (aka BBC dad) giving this very serious live report about Korean politics when all of the sudden his two young children bombard his space (which we realize is actually a bedroom, and not an office) before his wife runs in with her pants falling down to round up the kids and escape the scene. 

If you haven’t seen the clip do so immediately for a little bit of comic relief.

The reporter worried he’d lose his job because his neat and in-control professional identity cracked open and unraveled in front of the entire world.

But the clip went viral and everyone fell in love with them

Why? 

I think it’s because it revealed a truth that we secretly pretended not to know: trying to divide your life into two separate silos, one personal and one professional, is an impossible feat. 

You are one individual. There is no work-life and life-life. It is all one life. 

If I’ve learned anything during confinement it’s that the work-life holy grail doesn’t exist. It’s bogus, a set-up, a fantasy likely invented by some Silicon Valley execs. 

Once you accept the fact that your two worlds are actually one, you can come up with some creative ways to create structure—a new structure— where there’s fluidity and flow between the two. 

First, instead of asking how you can balance your work and life right now, you can ask yourself what do I need to feel more balanced right now?

How can I be more me in each world? 

How can I bring more harmony to my days? 

So, how can you do that? Click over here for some tips for creating structure amidst chaos while using your own sense of serenity and balance as your guide. 

Tip 1: Identify Your Non Negotiables

Meals will need to be prepared. 

Naps will need to be had. 

Zumba zoom classes will need to be danced to. 

Children’s homework will need to be done. 

What are the current non-negotiables in your confinement life? And when do they take place? Put those in your calendar, make peace with them, and see where the holes are in your schedule. Don’t overcommit and overextend. Stick to one thing at a time.  The worst feeling you can have is feeling guilty for not being somewhere else. Be present where you are, with whom you’re with, and with what you’re doing. When it’s homework time with kids, be there and really try to get into it. I know in my case I’m learning a ton these days about the Renaissance and how to conjugate in French in the future tense. 

Tip 2: Rethink the Week

One of the stranger things about confinement living is how blurred the days are. Wednesdays feel like Sundays. Mondays like Fridays. And forget about the months. But use that blurriness to your advantage and rethink your week. Maybe Saturday morning is the best place to do contemplative work? And Sunday turns out to be prime time for responding to emails. In a post-work-life-balance reality you choose what time or day is most relevant and realistic for getting done what you need to get done. 

Tip 3: Repurpose Your Pad

Very few people have their homes set up for extended remote working (which is not at all the same as confinement, because remote working you can leave your house, work from a café or park) So you’ll need to get as comfortable with what you’ve got. Try to think of your space as a co-working arena with pods designated for different activities. Each space has a special function during the day, and then it returns to “normal” as much as possible when the work day is done. Make sure that everyone understands what is going on within that space and when. For example, my therapist friend does her Zoom sessions from her bathroom, a client has turned her bed into her office so that her kid can her 19th-month-old plays in the living room with her husband. Whatever space works best for you, make it as comfortable as you can. Put a pillow below your butt, light a candle, lay out some photos, whatever works for you.  

Tip 4: Over Communicate and be specific about your needs 

Now is the time to delegate and include your family as much as you can. You and your partner will need to coordinate schedules so that you can each get the amount of work done that you need to, your older kids will have to step up to the plate with the smaller ones. If you have small kids, let them know what’s going on, when you need to be alone, preempt their needs and of course, be kind to yourself, and to them if you get interrupted, as you most definitely will.

Conclusion

There isn’t a one-size-fits-all formula for creating work-life balance in confinement, or at any other time to be honest. That balance comes from within you, and is more of a personal feeling than anything else. If you feel balanced, then you are. Working with your limitations is the first step towards creating that inner peace. You need to adjust and adapt to your new reality, set aside time for the non-negotiables, be present with one task at a time, repurpose the days of the week, reimagine your pad into pods and over communicate your needs with the people you live and work with.

PS. Need help deciphering the wild emotions and thoughts that have come up during confinement? I’ve got you covered! Head over here to download my free worksheet “ Reinvent Your New Normal.” (Available in French or in English)

Guts you don't regret

Tis the season of report cards, graduation ceremonies, and mid-year reviews. A time to appreciate the gradual yet often excruciating achievements of the year (like future tense conjugations in French).

It’s also the time when a big day shows up in my calendar. Not my birthday or wedding anniversary or my kids' birthdays. None of that. 

It’s July 6th. The day I did something so scary I literally thought my heart would explode in my chest. Even thinking about it now makes me quiver a bit. 

On July 6th, 1999, I boarded a one-way flight from NYC to Paris, leaving behind my family, my friends, my boyfriend, my four cats, my job, my apartment, and my beloved Brooklyn. 


And for no real reason.


I mean, there were reasons. But they weren’t life-or-death reasons. This wasn’t anything like the exoduses my ancestors took to save their skin generations ago. 

It was just that I had this nagging feeling in my belly, this constant, flickering sensation since childhood that I had to live in Paris. 

And I knew that if I didn’t listen to this feeling I’d get sucked into the rat race of life in NYC and regret not making a move forever. 

So I wrangled up everything I had in me and boarded that plane. The poor woman sitting to my right was so worried about my whimpering that I told her the broad strokes of my story. Reassuring her that everything, really, was ok. That I was doing something I wanted more than anything, it’s just that I was a total emotional wreck.   

I landed in Paris the next morning and calmed down the minute I spotted my friend Jessica at the arrival gate. Jessica and I went to college together and did our Junior year abroad in Paris at the same time. She wasted no time sticking around the states after graduation and came right back to Paris where she met her soon-to-be husband Charles at film school.

They were the ones that made my Paris experiment a reality. Charles lugged my giant suitcase up the four flights of stairs to their cute flat on rue Leon Blum in the 11th and they set me up on their living room coach for as long as I needed. 

Every morning I’d wake up with a view of the gorgeous building across the street and marvel at the shirtless JFK Jr look-a-like who paced around his apartment all day.  

I needed no more convincing, this was where I belonged. 

For the next few weeks Charles and Jessica took me everywhere they went. We ate charcuterie and drank pitchers of cheap red wine at the local bistrots while I noted down bizarre French idiomatic expressions in my little carnet. We went to the public pools during the heat wave. We dodged the firecrackers thrown at our feet while heading across Place de la Bastille on Bastille Day. We bought some cheap tickets to Corsica and rented a little hut on the beach and made refried beans in a shoddy casserole to save our money—for more wine! 

I felt like I was living someone else’s life. I had no strings on me. No obligations. No job. No apartment. And my French was a disaster.


There were definitely moments of “WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING?” panic.

But I was doing it any way. Taking it one day at a time with a mix of queasy fear and determination to make the most of it!

It’s been 20 years since I boarded that plane.

It was the scariest thing I’ve ever done. And by far the most important decision of my life. 

I’m dying to know, what’s the scariest thing you’ve every done that you’re grateful for today? 

That when you think about it you say, “I’m so damn proud I had the guts to do that!” 

Just hit reply and let me know.