How to get over self-sabotaging thoughts and feelings? Part 3 of 3.

This is the final instalment of a three-part series about limiting beliefs: how to identify them, uncover their emotional power, and ultimately transform them into thoughts that “spark joy" and help you move forward with meaning. Click here to read the first part and here to read the second part. 

A bow-tied Jiminy Cricket with a head full of question marks

A black, viscous, oily splotch 

An oval face with empty eyes and a gaping mouth

A green carnival mask 

Are these clues from a dated detective board game? 

Or elusive fragments from an epic dream?

All good guesses, but they’re actually illustrations of limiting beliefs drawn by some of my clients. 

And they play a critical role in how to send your self-sabotaging thoughts and emotions packing in order to free up space for those that spark joy instead.  


Before we get into that, let's recap what we’ve uncovered in these last two blog posts:

• We learned how to detect thoughts and beliefs that are self-sabotaging and fear-based.

• We learned how those thoughts and beliefs trigger emotions and then actions.

I’m not sure which beliefs you’d like to transform, but let’s play with one that many women hear with the volume on full-blast. 

“I’m not good enough.”

Did you know that if women don’t feel 100% qualified for a position they won’t apply for it, while men apply if they think they meet just 60% of the job criteria?

That’s exactly how a limiting belief like “I’m not good enough” can translate into emotions such as fear and insecurity which then trigger actions (or inaction in this case). 

So how do we go about unraveling that belief, or at least diminishing its grip on our lives?

Step 1: Investigate

Let’s say you hear “I’m not good enough” on loop in your mind. Your mission now is to slip into the shoes of a detective—impartial but passionate—and learn everything you can about this sentence as if your job depends on it.

• When exactly does it pop up?

• What are you doing when you hear it? 

• What are you doing right before you hear it?

• What does it actually sound like? 

• Who’s voice is speaking?

• What are the characteristics of the voice?

• How familiar is it? 

• What color is it?

• What shape is it?

• Who shows up in your life in the way that this voice does?
  
  

Step 2:  Draw

Once you have as much information as you can possibly gather about this belief, where it likes to hang out, when it decides to pop up, what it sounds like, what it smells like, what it looks like, from its color to its shape and size. When you have all of those details figured out, go ahead and draw it. 

Step 3: Absorb

So what does “I’m not good enough” look like? 

• Is it fat or skinny?

• Is it liquid or solid? 

• Is it an amorphose blob?

• A familiar face?

• A TV character?

• Is it an object?

• Is it an animal?

• Is it large and looming, or can you fit it in your pocket?

Whatever it is, welcome it. Without judgement or disgust. And see what sensations come up in your body when you look at it.

Step 4: Listen 

Now that you’ve gotten really comfortable with this new character and the sensations it creates when you’re around it, the next step is to listen to what it really has to say. Treat it like a friend that you haven’t seen for a while and that you’re excited to catch up with. Here are some of the questions you can ask it:

• What are you doing here?

• What do you want me to know?

• What are you most concerned about?

• What are you trying to protect me from?

• What do you need from me?

Step 4: Share

Now that you know what keeps this voice up at night, what pushes its buttons, what it’s trying to protect you from, and how it most wants to be reassured, let it know that you’ve heard and respected its message. And it's your turn now to speak. 

• What do you want to tell it? 

• What does it need to know about how its presence is impacting your life? 

• What is it preventing you from doing?

• How can you can co-exist as partners?

• How can the voice continue to look out for you without holding you back?

Step 5: Transform

Bravo! You’ve successfully transformed your limiting belief from an all-controlling, fear-inducing, action-sabotaging mystery into a defined persona with needs and wants of its own. It's now a character that you can interact with, and potentially cohabitate with. Maybe it’s even donned a cute little Jiminy Cricket outfit, or a dazzling green mask. 

But do you want to keep it in your wardrobe of beliefs? Does it truly spark joy?

If it doesn’t, then what belief could take its place? 

Let’s go back to “I’m not good enough” as an example. 

Here are some beliefs that you could swap it for while still respecting its legacy:

“I’m getting better at this.”

“There’s a really good chance I can do this.”

“I’m excited to try this out.”

“I want to see where this goes.”

“This is part of my process.”

“I can go at my own pace.”

“If I stumble, I can get back up”

“I’m not alone.”

Step 6: Scan for Joy
What emotions and sensations do those beliefs bring up? How do they feel in your body? You like what they're doing for you? You more comfortable, relaxed, confident? Are you moving around with a bit more ease?

Do a scan and really absorb what's going on in your body and remember this: you have the ability to change the beliefs in your mind. So there's no reason to settle for a belief that keeps you cut-off and restricted from your best self. You can't afford it. This world can't afford it. Eh Voila! 

Alrighty! I hope you’ve enjoyed this series as much as I have had researching and writing it. I’d love any feedback about which of these posts (if any) have resonated with you. And please definitely let me know if you’ve swapped out any of your beliefs for ones that spark more joy in the wardrobe of your mind.

Death to perfection and the rise of the real

When I started learning about values I discovered “authenticity” was a bad mama jama value for me. 

When I meet someone I don’t want the glossy, airbrushed, everything is “GREAT!” version of life, I want it real and raw. I want the cracks in the pavement. The frays around the edges. 
 

The moment someone drops the mask and lets you in — there’s nothing else like it. 

Knowing that they trust you with their fears, doubts, or fantasies (of wanting to slowly roll out of a moving car to escape kids screaming in the back, for example). That’s the real deal. That’s connection. That’s the juicy stuff that makes life worth living. 
 

Everything else is like a canned laugh track from an 80s sitcom. You can sniff that fake nonsense from a mile away but after a while you become totally numb to it. 
 

Today, we’re so inundated with filtered, curated perfection that when someone shares authentically it explodes through the white noise of blah-ness, gives you a rush of adrenaline, and then immediately makes you feel less weird.  

If we let our masks down and started sharing more authentically it would do the world a whole lot of great. 

It would make friendships better. 

It would make marriages better. 

It would make leaders better. 

It would make businesses better.

Don't just take my word for it, though. Here are some thoughts on authenticity from some pretty awesome women leaders. 

Patty McCord, former Chief of Talent at Netflix, on Girl Boss Radio podcast "Company Culture Expert, Author and Former Chief Talent Officer of Netflix" May 9 2018

"So the most important thing to be is authentic. If you’re wandering the floor and you don’t really like people and you’re wandering the floor to see who’s fucking up. Then that’s not going to work so well for you. If you’re the person that has better conversations 1:1 and you like getting more deeply into it, then have a bunch of skip-level meetings. You might want to have a different methodology about it. What’s really important is that you are who you say you are.”

Tina Müller, CEO of Douglas, from the article “Is there still room for authenticity in our professional lives?” published July 20, 2018 on LinkedIn

“Authentic people are brave enough to question the status quo! It’s about seeing things from a very personal perspective, as well as from new perspectives and standpoints, and reasoning with enthusiasm and credibility. That’s how things change – and ultimately move forward. Conventions and shared values give a team or a business a form of consensus, a framework, and behavioural regulation. However, I realised very early on in my career that without authenticity we become like mice on a wheel. A business cannot be successful unless both pillars – convention and authenticity – are supporting it.”

Marie Forleo, on Amy Porterfield’s podcast "How to 10X Your Results in 2018 (and Beyond) with 3 Dead Simple Strategies" Feb 18, 2018

“You have no idea the level of relief that people will feel and the level of connection they start to associate with you when you show them different sides of yourself. When you allow yourself to be vulnerable. When you let them see the real you, all of you. And you dismiss this notion of trying to be perfect….I don’t care what business that you’re in. People want to do business with another human that they can relate to. Someone who shows them all of who they are. The ups, the downs, the lefts, the rights, the good, the bad, people want all of you and don’t be afraid to share it.” 

Exercise: Increase your authenticity in 6 easy steps

1. In one sentence, what does “authentic” mean to you?
2. When and where and with whom are you the most authentic?
3. How does that authenticity make you feel?
4. What does it allow you do to?
5. Where else in your world would you like to be more authentic?
6. What impact would that have on you and on others? 

I’d love to help you get more in touch with your wild, authentic side.

So comment below with your responses or email me at zeva@zevabellel.com