How to get over self-sabotaging thoughts and feelings? Part 3 of 3.

This is the final instalment of a three-part series about limiting beliefs: how to identify them, uncover their emotional power, and ultimately transform them into thoughts that “spark joy" and help you move forward with meaning. Click here to read the first part and here to read the second part. 

A bow-tied Jiminy Cricket with a head full of question marks

A black, viscous, oily splotch 

An oval face with empty eyes and a gaping mouth

A green carnival mask 

Are these clues from a dated detective board game? 

Or elusive fragments from an epic dream?

All good guesses, but they’re actually illustrations of limiting beliefs drawn by some of my clients. 

And they play a critical role in how to send your self-sabotaging thoughts and emotions packing in order to free up space for those that spark joy instead.  


Before we get into that, let's recap what we’ve uncovered in these last two blog posts:

• We learned how to detect thoughts and beliefs that are self-sabotaging and fear-based.

• We learned how those thoughts and beliefs trigger emotions and then actions.

I’m not sure which beliefs you’d like to transform, but let’s play with one that many women hear with the volume on full-blast. 

“I’m not good enough.”

Did you know that if women don’t feel 100% qualified for a position they won’t apply for it, while men apply if they think they meet just 60% of the job criteria?

That’s exactly how a limiting belief like “I’m not good enough” can translate into emotions such as fear and insecurity which then trigger actions (or inaction in this case). 

So how do we go about unraveling that belief, or at least diminishing its grip on our lives?

Step 1: Investigate

Let’s say you hear “I’m not good enough” on loop in your mind. Your mission now is to slip into the shoes of a detective—impartial but passionate—and learn everything you can about this sentence as if your job depends on it.

• When exactly does it pop up?

• What are you doing when you hear it? 

• What are you doing right before you hear it?

• What does it actually sound like? 

• Who’s voice is speaking?

• What are the characteristics of the voice?

• How familiar is it? 

• What color is it?

• What shape is it?

• Who shows up in your life in the way that this voice does?
  
  

Step 2:  Draw

Once you have as much information as you can possibly gather about this belief, where it likes to hang out, when it decides to pop up, what it sounds like, what it smells like, what it looks like, from its color to its shape and size. When you have all of those details figured out, go ahead and draw it. 

Step 3: Absorb

So what does “I’m not good enough” look like? 

• Is it fat or skinny?

• Is it liquid or solid? 

• Is it an amorphose blob?

• A familiar face?

• A TV character?

• Is it an object?

• Is it an animal?

• Is it large and looming, or can you fit it in your pocket?

Whatever it is, welcome it. Without judgement or disgust. And see what sensations come up in your body when you look at it.

Step 4: Listen 

Now that you’ve gotten really comfortable with this new character and the sensations it creates when you’re around it, the next step is to listen to what it really has to say. Treat it like a friend that you haven’t seen for a while and that you’re excited to catch up with. Here are some of the questions you can ask it:

• What are you doing here?

• What do you want me to know?

• What are you most concerned about?

• What are you trying to protect me from?

• What do you need from me?

Step 4: Share

Now that you know what keeps this voice up at night, what pushes its buttons, what it’s trying to protect you from, and how it most wants to be reassured, let it know that you’ve heard and respected its message. And it's your turn now to speak. 

• What do you want to tell it? 

• What does it need to know about how its presence is impacting your life? 

• What is it preventing you from doing?

• How can you can co-exist as partners?

• How can the voice continue to look out for you without holding you back?

Step 5: Transform

Bravo! You’ve successfully transformed your limiting belief from an all-controlling, fear-inducing, action-sabotaging mystery into a defined persona with needs and wants of its own. It's now a character that you can interact with, and potentially cohabitate with. Maybe it’s even donned a cute little Jiminy Cricket outfit, or a dazzling green mask. 

But do you want to keep it in your wardrobe of beliefs? Does it truly spark joy?

If it doesn’t, then what belief could take its place? 

Let’s go back to “I’m not good enough” as an example. 

Here are some beliefs that you could swap it for while still respecting its legacy:

“I’m getting better at this.”

“There’s a really good chance I can do this.”

“I’m excited to try this out.”

“I want to see where this goes.”

“This is part of my process.”

“I can go at my own pace.”

“If I stumble, I can get back up”

“I’m not alone.”

Step 6: Scan for Joy
What emotions and sensations do those beliefs bring up? How do they feel in your body? You like what they're doing for you? You more comfortable, relaxed, confident? Are you moving around with a bit more ease?

Do a scan and really absorb what's going on in your body and remember this: you have the ability to change the beliefs in your mind. So there's no reason to settle for a belief that keeps you cut-off and restricted from your best self. You can't afford it. This world can't afford it. Eh Voila! 

Alrighty! I hope you’ve enjoyed this series as much as I have had researching and writing it. I’d love any feedback about which of these posts (if any) have resonated with you. And please definitely let me know if you’ve swapped out any of your beliefs for ones that spark more joy in the wardrobe of your mind.

How to get over self-sabotaging thoughts and feelings? Part 2 of 3.

This is the second of a three-part series about limiting beliefs: how to identify them, uncover their emotional power, and ultimately transform them into thoughts that “spark joy."
Click here to read the first part.

It's 11:45am on a rainy Parisian spring day. I walk into an empty restaurant where I have plans to meet a friend for lunch an hour later. 

I tell the woman behind the counter that I’m early for lunch, but that I’d like to have a coffee and sit and work a bit before my friend arrives. 

“There’s no one in the kitchen now,” she snips. 

“That’s fine, I’m not ordering any food yet,” I say.

“How many will you be?” she asks. 

“Just two.”

She points to a table by the door and tells me that’s the only table for two that’s available. 

It’s raining and chilly outside and I ask whether I can sit somewhere further inside.

She points to another table in the back, by the toilets. 

I’m not feeling that location either. Especially since every single seat in the place is currently empty and it's just a casual, neighborhood place. 

I spot a little table for two on the cushioned couch in the center of the restaurant and ask if I can sit there. 

She rolls her eyes, let's out a huge exasperated sigh and nods “yes” reluctantly.  

I walk calmly over to the table, take off my backpack and my bright red raincoat. As I start to sit down I hear the dull thud of old coffee being banged out of the portafilter and the hissing of steam on the espresso machine. 

I turn around and say, “oh, I’d like an allongée” (an americano)  not the regular short café that I assume she’s starting to make.


She lets out another enormous sigh, so loud this time that I can feel her distain wash over my body like the Polar vortex.

My throat seizes, my heart starts racing. I want to scream and run out of there. 

In the 45 seconds that this entire scene unfolds a million thoughts have raced through my mind. 

“I hate this woman!”

“I’m going to walk out of here.”

“I’m going to leave a bad review on Yelp.”

“I should contact the owner and complain.” 

“This would never happen in America.”

“People are evil.”

The emotions that boiled up were a mix of hatred, anger, even guilt. ("How did I provoke this?")

And then I took a deep breath and thought about my last message to you about tracking self-sabotaging thoughts and feelings, which brought on a wave of new ones:

“She must be having a hard day.”

“This job clearly isn’t working out for her.”

“Interacting with humans is hard when you're miserable.”

“It’s not you Zeva, it’s her.”

“Write about this and you’ll feel better.”

I suddenly felt more calm, grounded, confident, and even grateful as I found the tools to transform this experience into something positive. 

How did that all happen? If we slow down the process frame-by-frame, like in a comic book, this is how thoughts and emotions work together. 

• We experience something 

• Our beliefs and thoughts give meaning to that experience

• We feel an emotion

• We react to our feelings

• We experience the consequences of our reactions

Ultimately our beliefs trigger emotions, which then trigger actions. 

Most beliefs are based on stories that have developed into truths over a long time. 

Sometimes those beliefs were born well before we were. They’ve been passed along like soft, hand-me-downs from one generation to another. They can go way, way back. 

When my clients use expressions that are clearly not from their generation, I take it is a cue to start digging around to the root of the belief, and the emotions that swim in its wake. 

Neuroscientist Lisa Feldman Barrett sums this process up exceptionally well in her fascinating book How Emotions Are Made.

"Everything you feel is based on prediction from your knowledge and past experience. You are truly an architect of your experience. Believing is feeling."

As architects of our experience, we can rewire our mind to create new beliefs and emotions, and turn most situations around. 

Just like my experience in the restaurant:

• Change the belief

• Alter the emotion

• Cue up a new range of options

• Chose the action that suits you best

So let’s explore the beliefs that you've jotted down since my last blogpost. If you’re in need of a few here are some that I’ve collected from some generous donors. 

“I’m not good enough.”

“I’m not creative enough.”

“I’ll never find my path”

“I’m too old.”

“I’m finished.”

"I'm unlovable.”

Now, let me ask you, do any of those beliefs sound familiar to you? 

What emotions do they trigger?

Are they useful emotions? 

Are they emotions that lift you up and inspire? 

Or do they make your blood boil? 

And your heart sink? 

Next steps:

Go back to your list of limiting beliefs (or start a new one), read them over and write down whatever emotions or sensations come up when you think of them.

And then ask yourself:

• What is it like to live with this belief? 

• Who might I be and what might I be able to do if I let this belief go?

I'll see you soon with some tools on how to transform your limiting beliefs into ones that spark joy and get your moving ahead with meaning, at a comfortable table with the beverage of choice in your hands :) 

PPS. Oh, and one more thing: I'm doing a vision board workshop on May 17th in Paris and have 4 spots left. Click here to snatch yours up. It's a fun and creative way to visualize your hidden goals while tackling any limiting beliefs and fears that are holding you back from going after them. 

How to get over self-sabotaging thoughts and feelings? Part 1 of 3.

This is the first in a three-part series about limiting beliefs: how to identify them, uncover their emotional power, and ultimately transform them into thoughts that “spark joy" and help you move forward with meaning. 

Marie Kondo has helped millions of people rid their homes of objects that clutter their lives. 

“My mission is to spark joy in the world through tidying,” she says in the first episode of her Netflix series Tidying Up with Marie Kondo before we meet an overwhelmed couple with two young kids and a house busting at the seams.

“The cluttered house seems to be affecting their relationship as well,” says Kondo about Rachel and Kevin, the exhausted homeowners and young couple who are having a seriously hard time liking each other.  

“I would like to help this couple focus on what matters most to them, time with their family,” she continues before helping them bring light and joy back into their home. And, more importantly, back into their couple. 

Where focus goes, the energy flows. 

By asking people to wake up their objects, hold them close and look for a spark of joy in their bodies, Marie Kondo is teaching people how to identify and focus on what's most important. 

She’s also helping people learn a physical and emotional language in order to do so— a new tool to put in their self-development toolbox.

What I love about her concept, dear reader,  is how poetic and simple it is. 

And how it can be applied not only to objects, but also to the beliefs in your head. 

Here what I mean by that.

Our beliefs play a huge role in our experiences. They are the thoughts that shape our perception of ourselves and the world. 

Some beliefs help us move forward. 

“There’s no such thing as failure, only feedback.”

“Where there’s a will, there’s a way.”

“Clarity comes through action.”

Some beliefs keep us back.

”You need to be certain that it will work before you start.”

“Money equals success.”

“You need to lie, cheat and steal to get to the top.”

Beliefs are not facts.  They are thoughts, myths or generalities that we perceive as truths. 

How do these thoughts become “truths?”

• Because we overhear them growing up. 

• Because we acquire them socially. 

• Because we cultivate them to fit it. 

• Because we nurture them to create a certain life view and identity. 

• Because we haven’t found a reason or evidence not to believe them.

In coaching, one of the big things we do is work on identifying and tidying up the beliefs in your head. The ones that tend to drag you down, hold you back, distract you from what you really want. 

Like the boxes of junk that you keep tripping over — you don’t have to keep beliefs that are holding you back! 

You have the control to kindly say au revoir to the beliefs that are holding you back. “Thank you for your service, for protecting me and looking out for me, for helping me feel safe, or connected, but you no longer serve me now.”

Change the belief and you can change your emotional reaction to something, and therefore how you feel and respond to any situation. 

So, dear reader I ask you to do the following thing this week as a little Marie Kondo experiment:

Keep a notebook or journal with you for one week and write down any thoughts, or annoying voices that leave a bitter taste in your mouth. That drag you down. Make you feel shitty. Hold you back from being a more joyful you.

Just like that pair of skinny jeans from twenty years ago that you dream of one day fitting into again but that chances are you won’t and that just serve to remind you of how you’re getting older and you’re body isn’t what it once was. Wouldn’t it be lovely to just thank those jeans for their years of service and send them packing?

So for now, when you hear those “skinny jeans” beliefs pop up in your head, write them down. 

And I’ll be back in a couple of weeks to guide you through the next step: how to uncover the emotions that are attached to your beliefs.