"Don't Get Great At The Thing You Don't Want To Be"

It was an annual summer visit back home and my High School Brooklyn buddy Paul and I were catching up. 

At the time, I was working at Yelp. I had a prestigious position and the perks to go with it: great salary, business trips, stock options, a supportive boss and inspiring team. 

I was explaining my work situation to Paul when I started to feel my stomach tense up. Even with the dirty vodka martini and upstate small town tavern vibe, the conversation was tilting into 360-degree performance review territory. 

“It’s all going well," I explained, taking a nervous sip of my cocktail. "But when I'm honest with myself I’m not sure how much longer I want to do this. What’s scary is that I think I’m in line for a "keys-to-the-castle" promotion that I won’t be able to refuse, but ultimately don’t want.” 

Then Paul said something that made me put down my glass and break into a small sweat. “Don’t get great at the thing you don’t want to be.” 

Since he uttered that phrase it's been ingrained in my soul. It hit a nerve, and gave language to what I was hiding from everyone, including myself. 

By going above and beyond, by being hyper invested, by feeling like I was the best-qualified heir to the throne, I was pretending not to feel stuck in the golden prison of my "perfect" job.

Do you know what that feels like,? A lot of the women I’ve speak with about my coaching program, do.

They’ve become so good at masking their doubts by overachieving at their job, surpassing every one else’s expectations, that feeling stuck has starting to feel, well, normal.  

When they ask me, "Doesn’t everyone feel stuck?” My response is “No, you’ve just gotten used to feeling that way.”

If that sounds like you,  I highly encourage you to reach out for a free discovery call to discuss how my coaching program can help you:

• Feel aligned with what you’re doing

• Feel stimulated and in flow again

• Take concrete steps to bring that feeling back into your life

One shift sets them free

Anne had a safe and successful career as Head of Strategy and Development at a prestigious not-for-profit. But she was bored and desperate for something more.

At 45-years-old, retirement was far away, but not that far away. What else could she do professionally between now and then that was worth risking it all?

Even though a close friend in the same industry radically shifted tracks after working with me, Anne signed up for coaching despite believing she was a "lost cause." 

Anne was experiencing classic “stuckness”:

• One part fear. 

• One part fuzziness. 

• One part disbelieving.

Does that recipe sound familiar to you,?

Most people believe clarity comes by thinking problems to death. By engineering a perfect, grand master plan before daring to take any action. 

That strategy never works (it just makes you more anxious). 

In my experience coaching hundreds of women, the recipe for getting unstuck isn’t macro, but micro.


First, you need to make a move, even the slightest, seemingly-insignificant one, to prove to yourself that: 

1. You’re capable of keeping promises to yourself. 

2. You’re capable of change.

3. Change isn’t so scary. 

4. You can trust yourself to move at your own pace. 

So what's Anne up to now? 

In our time working together Anne discovered her passion, and skill, for writing people’s stories. She took a short writing program that confirmed what she intuited, that she wanted to become a biographer. She got the endorsement from her beloved manager of 15 years to move ahead with her new career. She researched the best programs, and was accepted into a comprehensive course for biographers that started this Fall. She already has former clients and friends who have commissioned her services. 

And do you know what set the ball in motion? What got her unstuck? It was putting her running gear on before taking the kids to school. 
 

Yup, I'm totally serious. 

One small shift set her in motion. A freedom action. A self-love proclamation. A mini-identify shift. 

This mini-identity shift is part of a transformation process that I witness over and over and over again with my clients. One shift sets them free. 

I’m sharing this unstuck process in a small cohort class. 

Click here to get on the Getting Unstuck and Easing Into Action waitlist. It’s the first unstuck action you can do today.

Zeva and Rachel's Anxiety Cleanse for Trying Times

Before moving to France I worked as a film researcher in NYC. My job was to scour hours of archival images in search of that special slice of recorded history for commercials, news programs, comedy shows and documentary films. 

My team created highlight reels whenever we had extra time. They were like mini works of art—curated streams of the most salient images we could find on a specific, often-requested subject. 

I loved making those reels. My favorites were “Time-Lapse Nature,” “Race to the moon,” “Early New York City” and, of course, “1970s Fashion.” But there was one reel that I made that changed my life forever: the "WWII” reel. 

We had recently received an unusual collection of amateur home movies shot in color in the mid 1930s in Vienna. The movies were taken mostly outdoors and showed the members of the family strolling around town, past storefronts, going to the park, playing in the fields. 

What was remarkable about the collection was that the color was so vivid and sharp, like it had been filmed just yesterday.  

But beyond the mesmerizing quality of the movies was the shocking content in the background.
 

It was the first time in my life that I saw swastikas and Jewish hate graffiti in their original colorful context. I didn't realize how integrated into daily life those warning signs had been. 

The pain of knowing what happened to millions of innocent families, including my own, just several years after these home movies were made was so hard for my heart to process. I think at that moment, I convinced myself that I wouldn't miss such warning signs. That if something catastrophic started to build up in my world, and threaten everything and everyone precious to me, I would notice. I would know what to do. I would know where to go. 

Fast forward to these past few weeks and the horrific unfoldings in Ukraine. My anxiety has been at a feverish high, so much so that my brilliant friend, Rachel, and I decided to do an “anxiety cleanse” during a weekend away.

During the ritual I realized that the beliefs I forged decades ago as a way to protect my deepest survivalist fears have been triggered by the current events. 

I'm sharing the ritual with you below, because it was so helpful for the two of us to move through the squeezing grip of anxious thoughts and into a more productive place—to weep, to connect, to take action. The fear of a looming catastrophe is still there but it’s no longer choking me. I can visualize the thoughts now behind a door with a big "Miserable Hellscape" sign. I know where they come from and where they will lead me. But I feel like I can keep that door closed (for now, at least) so that more constructive thoughts come my way. 

Rachel and Zeva’s Anxiety Cleanse for Trying Times

What you’ll need:

• One hour of uninterrupted time. 

• A trusted companion you can share your inner-most fearful thoughts with. (Someone with a soft heart and a strong back who can handle what you present them with and carry your burdens with you)

• A few sheets of paper that you can tear up into strips. 

• Pens

• Tissues

• Matches

Step 1:

Connect with the anxious feelings in your body, then write each anxious thought down on a separate piece of paper. I started each slip with the cue “I’m anxious about…” and then filled in the rest. Write as many thoughts as you want. There’s no limit. You don’t need to understand them. To justify them. To trace their lineage. Just get them down on paper. By the time you get to step #2 you should feel empty, like there are no more thoughts hiding in the attic of your mind. 

Step 2: 

Once you and your companion each have a nice pile of anxious thoughts in front of you, put 15 minutes on the clock (you can always opt for more time) and choose who will be reading and who will be receiving. 

Step 3:

Start the timer, take a deep breathe, and then read each separate thought out loud. Let any emotions rise to the surface. If you need a moment to pause, to cry, to breathe, take it. Have your companion ask additional questions in a search for patterns. What overall theme is appearing amid the thoughts? If you had to combine them together, label them, give them a title, what would you call them? 

Step 4:

Have your companion ask what life would look like without these thoughts pressing into you? What would that space allow you to feel? What would that space allow you to express? What would that space allow you to do? Share what comes up. Write down anything you need. 

Step 5:

Reverse roles and repeat the same process so that you are now in the receiving/listening/questioning role as your companion shares.

Step 6:

Collect your pieces of paper and find a safe space to burn them. Say a little prayer, or mantra, before you burn the thoughts. This was our prayer: “We choose to release these anxious thoughts, many of which were passed to us by previous generations as a way to protect us. We acknowledge and celebrate their wisdom, but choose to release them in order to make space for new, more hopeful and empowering thoughts to emerge.” 

Step 7:

If you’re feeling inspired, you can take the ritual a step further, and paint or draw a picture for your companion that captures the theme or energy that came up during your beautiful time together. 

Reinvent your new normal

The men were chanting and swaying together while the women locked arms in a festive traditional dance. 


In the middle of the elaborate wedding scene in the fabulous new Netflix mini-series Unorthodox, I lost track of the story. All I could see were human bodies. 

Healthy living bodies. 

Lots of them in the same room.

Celebrating together. 

Moving together. 

Sweating together. 

Breathing in the same air. 

My eyes welled up with this thought: “When will people be able to get together like this again?”

As the initial stress and adrenaline of the first weeks of confinement subside, something else is happening: collective grief is giving way to aching acceptance a renewed sense of meaning. (this article explains the process brilliantly).

As a new reality sets in we’re learning to define and appreciate what matters most to us. 

When you peel back the layers of life as we’ve all been forced to do these last two weeks, suddenly you see with sharp clarity what counts most:

• My friend told me through tears the other day that she realizes how much she loves her life and how scary it is to think it could be taken from her.

• One client told me that she’s no longer willing to suffer at her job and is finally ready to leave it after15 years.

• And my son shocked us the other night at dinner claiming to love school because “each day feels different.” 

This period, while surreal and scary as hell, is also like a vinaigrette that’s been made hours before the guests arrive— the oil and acid have pulled away from each other into distinctly visible parts. 

So I have an idea for you, friend, what if instead of trying to quickly whip that vinaigrette up into a frothy homogenous dressing, you let it sit and separate some more to see what those parts look like? 

I’ve created new exercise called Reinvent Your New Normal that helps you do just that—see what matters most to you so that you can invent alternative ways to nurture those things (even in confinement) and roll into the post-confinement world with a clearer vision, and stronger tools, for moving forward with meaning.

Click here to get the free exercise sent to your inbox.

Be sure to email me (zeva@zevabellel.com) after you've completed the exercise so that I can give you some feedback and help you along your way. 

I hope that you and your loved ones are safe and in good heath. 

Trying to get a grip on this new reality of ours? I've got you covered with my brand new worksheet Reinvent Your New Normal. You can get the free worksheet  sent to you by clicking here. Feel free to share this post. It could be a great exercise to do with friends and loved ones in order to feel close and connected even at a  distance.

Not your problem

Over the last couple of years I’ve had the immense fortune of speaking with over two hundred women about what they want most in life.

From Tokyo to London by way of Montreal and Paris, the most common “problem” I hear is: “I don’t know what I want to do with the rest of my life professionally and I’m scared of making the wrong decision.”

The thoughts ricocheting inside their brains sound like this:

• “What am I legitimately good at?”

• “What do I really want to do with my life?”

• “How can I be certain that I’ll make the right decision?”

• “What’s the perfect next step for me?”

You know what l've learned from speaking with and coaching women who share such similar thoughts and feelings about their future? 

The best way to find the answer to their “problem” isn’t to dig in it, pick it apart and dissect it. Nor to hold it up on a pedestal and cower at the heels of its powerful presence.

In fact, the best way to solve the “problem” is:

1) To politely ignore it.

2) To turn the lens on the thoughts about the “problem” instead.

Basically, you solve your “problem” by questioning the questions you use to find the answers. By thinking about your thinking, you develop new ways to think. 

We all assume that our thoughts are rigid and 100% real — like permanent black marker streaks on a pale wood table top. They are alarmingly true and NOT going anywhere. 

But that’s not the case: thoughts are as nimble and flexible as you allow them to be. And the key to changing them is to start thinking about them. 

This process, called metacognition, is about stepping back and doing an audit on your thoughts. What thoughts are moving you forward? What thoughts are keeping you stuck? What thoughts would you give up if you could? What do the people you admire most think? What would it be like to think those same things? If you were giving advice to someone you love who has the same “problem” as you, what would you tell them?

“It’s so tempting to dig into the problem, or dig into the details. What you want to do is get people to think about their thinking [instead],” explains Dr. David Rock, director of the NeuroLeadership Institute and author of the best-selling books 'Your Brain at Work', 'Quiet Leadership', and 'Coaching with the Brain in Mind.’

The goal is to increase insight, meaning realizations and connections that happen internally. AHA moments. Epiphanies. “Prises de consciences,” in French. 

Those moments when a ding goes off in your brain and you suddenly see the world in a totally different way.  Not because someone gave you the answer, but because a new connection was made inside your mind that flung open a whole new set of doors. 

“What we found is that coaching conversations with insight are dramatically more likely to create real change. You think of insight as just a moment where your brain really changes in a way that releases a lot of energy, you see things differently, ” says Rock who teaches leaders how to think better and problem solve more creatively using science-backed research.

There’s literally nothing like that warm, fuzzy feeling of knowing deep in your cells that you found the answer to what you were looking for, am I right?

So next time you’re stuck on a “problem,” politely put it aside and do an audit on your thoughts around the “problem” instead. 

PS. Click here to hear the full interview with Dr. Rock on the awesome podcast The Science of Success.