Death to perfection and the rise of the real

When I started learning about values I discovered “authenticity” was a bad mama jama value for me. 

When I meet someone I don’t want the glossy, airbrushed, everything is “GREAT!” version of life, I want it real and raw. I want the cracks in the pavement. The frays around the edges. 
 

The moment someone drops the mask and lets you in — there’s nothing else like it. 

Knowing that they trust you with their fears, doubts, or fantasies (of wanting to slowly roll out of a moving car to escape kids screaming in the back, for example). That’s the real deal. That’s connection. That’s the juicy stuff that makes life worth living. 
 

Everything else is like a canned laugh track from an 80s sitcom. You can sniff that fake nonsense from a mile away but after a while you become totally numb to it. 
 

Today, we’re so inundated with filtered, curated perfection that when someone shares authentically it explodes through the white noise of blah-ness, gives you a rush of adrenaline, and then immediately makes you feel less weird.  

If we let our masks down and started sharing more authentically it would do the world a whole lot of great. 

It would make friendships better. 

It would make marriages better. 

It would make leaders better. 

It would make businesses better.

Don't just take my word for it, though. Here are some thoughts on authenticity from some pretty awesome women leaders. 

Patty McCord, former Chief of Talent at Netflix, on Girl Boss Radio podcast "Company Culture Expert, Author and Former Chief Talent Officer of Netflix" May 9 2018

"So the most important thing to be is authentic. If you’re wandering the floor and you don’t really like people and you’re wandering the floor to see who’s fucking up. Then that’s not going to work so well for you. If you’re the person that has better conversations 1:1 and you like getting more deeply into it, then have a bunch of skip-level meetings. You might want to have a different methodology about it. What’s really important is that you are who you say you are.”

Tina Müller, CEO of Douglas, from the article “Is there still room for authenticity in our professional lives?” published July 20, 2018 on LinkedIn

“Authentic people are brave enough to question the status quo! It’s about seeing things from a very personal perspective, as well as from new perspectives and standpoints, and reasoning with enthusiasm and credibility. That’s how things change – and ultimately move forward. Conventions and shared values give a team or a business a form of consensus, a framework, and behavioural regulation. However, I realised very early on in my career that without authenticity we become like mice on a wheel. A business cannot be successful unless both pillars – convention and authenticity – are supporting it.”

Marie Forleo, on Amy Porterfield’s podcast "How to 10X Your Results in 2018 (and Beyond) with 3 Dead Simple Strategies" Feb 18, 2018

“You have no idea the level of relief that people will feel and the level of connection they start to associate with you when you show them different sides of yourself. When you allow yourself to be vulnerable. When you let them see the real you, all of you. And you dismiss this notion of trying to be perfect….I don’t care what business that you’re in. People want to do business with another human that they can relate to. Someone who shows them all of who they are. The ups, the downs, the lefts, the rights, the good, the bad, people want all of you and don’t be afraid to share it.” 

Exercise: Increase your authenticity in 6 easy steps

1. In one sentence, what does “authentic” mean to you?
2. When and where and with whom are you the most authentic?
3. How does that authenticity make you feel?
4. What does it allow you do to?
5. Where else in your world would you like to be more authentic?
6. What impact would that have on you and on others? 

I’d love to help you get more in touch with your wild, authentic side.

So comment below with your responses or email me at zeva@zevabellel.com

How I Got Over My Fear Of Cold Showers Using Visualization

Minutes after the French won their nail-biting match against Argentina during the World Cup, my husband noticed a giant water splotch the shape of Russia on our carpet. 
 

We looked at it and immediately blamed it on our 2-year old. He’s at an age where he will only drink from big cups and when he does he opens his mouth so wide that he spills 89% of the water on himself and the ground. He refuses to go with a smaller cup.  #toddlerdetermination #whyaretheylikethis

But after 30 minutes that water splotch started to brazenly conquer new land. We ran over to the hot water heater, felt the ground, and realized we had a huge problem. We had a leaky tank and it was the weekend and no repair service was open. 
 

My husband is pretty handy. He figured out how to stop the leak, shut off the electricity on the heater while keeping the cold water running in the house. So we have water, thank god, but it is cold as a cucumber. 

Now, as I said, Paris is having a heatwave so it’s not like we’re freezing our tushies off in the house. But still, a cold shower is a cold shower, and I don’t like cold. In fact I hate the cold. Hate it, hate it, hate it. HATE it! My 25% Greek genes are to blame for my extreme intolerance. 

Thinking of showering in cold water (with not even a little warm water to cheat) makes my shoulders bolt up and my chest heave in. 

I immediately think of Surprise Lake Camp in Cold Springs, NY, the summer day camp that I went to as a pre-teen. I signed up for swimming class there (like a fool) and we often had to practice early morning when the lake was super cold. I remember that horrible feeling of jumping in, my breath seizing up for a couple of seconds before I got used to the temperature. It was the worst feeling. 

Well that was what I felt again when I thought about my upcoming shower. 

My husband’s advice about my impeding shower was to just go for it. Not to dance around and delay the torture, just embrace it. 


I didn’t like that idea. So I texted my friend Lili who has been very vocal on her blog about her daily cold shower ritual. I told her my situation and asked her advice about how to do the cold shower in a more gentle and humane way. 

Her instructions were totally compelling, clear and easy to follow. 
 

• Massage your body with oil before getting in the shower
• Introduce the cold water to your feet and hands first
• Work the water up to your chest
• Breath deeply and then scream if you have to!
• Then shower your back, arm pits, arms, etc :) 
• Don’t direct water to your thighs (they have a lot of veins, and you don’t want a flush of blood there)
• Don’t let the water go above your chin
• Wash your head/hair in a sink with warm water (boiled in my case)
• Feel amazing and alive after your shower. 

So, I've been following her instructions to a T since and I have to say I feel like a million bucks afterwards. My skin is silken smooth, taught and tingly in a good way for hours . 

Why should you care about my cold shower story? Well because the whole process is a great example of how visualization works. 
 

• We often fear the unknown because the experience we predict reminds us of something we already lived through and didn’t enjoy. (e.g. swimming early morning in a cold lake at sleepaway camp)
   
• We think we can’t possible get over our fear because we are just built that way and lack the resources. (e.g. my Greek genes making me unable to like cold).
   
• By imagining someone else, someone not so different from us, even an ideal version of ourselves overcome that challenge, we start to realize that there might in fact be a way to move ahead (e.g. remembering Lili's love of showers)
   
• By projecting into the future, and then retro-planning how to get there, our brain becomes more familiar with the task (e.g. preloading Lili's step-by-step action plan)
   
• Our excitement to accomplish our end goal helps us find the motivating and energy to get us there (e.g. the excitement of feeling alive and amazing after shower)

So next time you’re confronted with a challenge that chills you to the core try to find the root of the feeling. 

And know there there is someone in the world that overcame a similar obstacle. How were they able to do it? What action steps did they take? How could you do the same? How would that feel once you overcame your fear?

What shower challenge you're working through right now?  Write a comment below or email me directly at zeva@zevebellel.com and let me know what you've got going on! 

Wonder Women: Lean In, Lean Out, Toughen Up, Soften Up, Be Your Best or Just Be?

My coaching is focused predominantly on women. I coach high-potential, creative women in multicultural environments that have a special spark in them that hasn’t been fully nurtured yet. Maybe they know their spark well, maybe they don’t, but they feel it bubbling under their skin like spaghetti sauce at a slow simmer. They feel its presence, can smell its aroma, but they haven’t plated it, tasted it and shared it with the world yet. And they know that if they don’t start facing, listening, and stoking that spark with the nourishment that it longs for they will regret it forever. And who wants to die with those kinds of regrets?

I don’t want it for me and I don’t want it for other women.

That’s why I coach.

I realize how intense and confusing the messaging is for women these days.

There’s so much attention on the modern women and her potential. According to everything you read these days, women are poised to take over the universe, but how? Are we supposed to lean all the way in à la Sheryl and claim our seat on the executive board? Are we supposed to lean out of the traditional rat race and create alternative communities that, by design, put our needs first? Are we supposed to work hard to quiet our inner demons, slice them out of our minds as the limiting social and cultural constructs that they are? Or embrace ourselves fully and just be who we are, warts, demons, doubts and all?

I don’t have the answer to these questions. But this is what I do believe about how to approach the three major themes important to today’s woman: identity, vocation and success.

Identity

Personal development is your life’s work, your masterpiece. Invest in it however you can.

You don’t have to change who you are, but you don’t have to be the person that you’ve always been.

Be curious about the beliefs, systems and habits that no longer serve you. Examine them like an incessant child would with a million whys. Knowing them intimately will help them fade away.

Vocation

You are a national living treasure. What makes you truly special? When you can identify that you’ll know what needs to be nurtured most.

You have already done extraordinary things. How did you do them? What was the fuel that kept you focused and fired up?

When are you in the zone? What’s preventing you from being in it more often?

Success

Comparison sucks. If there was no model for success what would yours look like? How would it feel? What would you be doing and saying to yourself each day?

What are the things that you refuse to compromise at all costs? These are your values. Embrace them. When opportunities arise that undermine them, investigate.

Project yourself 5 years into the future and think about your birthday party. Who is there? What are they saying about you? What are you saying to yourself on this day that celebrates all that you’ve done and become since birth?

Is this leaning in or out, going hard or strong? I have no idea. But my belief is that good work doesn’t have to be hard when one’s identity, vocation and definition of success are aligned.