Introducing the wonderful world of Chez Cameil and the woman who built it

Following your gut. Listening to your dreams. Building your fantasy business. It’s wayyyy easier said than done.

You could be the most creative and focused person on the planet but when self-doubt, fear and insecurity pop up those dreams will scatter away to some safe little corner of your mind, or deep down on a to-do list that you’re sure to forget. 

That’s why I’m totally fascinated by people who find the clarity and confidence to follow through with their dreams, even when it scares the hell out of them…

Which is why I’d love to introduce to my friend Cameil Kaundart.

I met Cameil years ago while I was working for Yelp. She was running around the kitchen with a floral headscarf and a couple of trays of American cookies, testing recipes weeks before the launch of my friend Marc’s cafe, Bob’s Bake Shop. She greeted me with such an insanely warm vibe that I loved her immediately. 

Fast forward to today.

I’m officially the luckiest coach in Paris because I get to see Cameil (and her cookies) three days a week at the cozy new space she launched this Fall. Located in central Paris, Chez Cameil is a cheerful, colorful loft where people come for healthy food, yoga classes, lectures, events and other well-being services, like coaching and hypnosis. It’s where I see my clients three days a week and I absolutely love it!

But Chez Cameil was lodged in Cameil’s head for years as a “maybe-one-day-I’ll-finally-get-it-together-to-make-this-happen” kind of dream. 

I had Cameil on the phone this summer the day she had to tell the landlord whether she was going to take the space. It was not a light decision to make for loads of reasons that I’m sure you can relate to (self doubt, money, and the huge responsibility that come with following through) but on top of that she was also just separating from her French husband and reconstructing her identity as a single American on French soil. 

I so, so admire her for finding the clarity and courage to just go for it! So I’d thought I’d share her story with a little Q&A with her below about how she made it all happened. Hope you find Cameil as inspiring and fascinating as I do!

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Q&A with Chez Cameil Founder Cameil Kaundart

What exactly is Chez Cameil for you and what do you want people to experience here?

Chez Cameil is a manifestation of my dream to create a community where all people feel welcome to take care of their well-being, practice yoga, celebrate healthy food, share their ideas, emotions and desires.

My goal is to create a family atmosphere, where people can gather and feel ‘at home’, where they can take the time to rest, refresh their minds and grow in an open and collaborative space.

Chez Cameil was a dream of yours for some time. How did you know that this was the right time to go for it? 

You know that feeling when something you want scares you, but you just know you have to go for it? It’s the moment you’ve been asking the universe for, putting all that hard work into mentally, spiritually and physically and now it’s right here in front of you. I had that moment and I took it.

I’d been working on the idea of Chez Cameil for a good five years, and it wasn’t until just last year that I finally narrowed it down to the version it is today, many thanks go to my good friend Gwen. She really helped me turn my idea from one giant cloud to a nice streamlined lighten bolt. 

I was working away on the business plan when my husband and I decided to separate. I was then not only looking for a space for Chez Cameil, but also looking for a new home. 

I’ve always been good at working, being focused on a goal and doing whatever it takes to get it done, but in that moment I realized my work was all I had. I had lost my couple and now only had myself and my work, so I went into extreme Cameil mode. Those of you who know me may be laughing, thinking she is always in crazy organized Cameil mode. Lol 

Knowing that I was on my own again after eight years of sharing my life with someone put me into survival mode and I spent all my time looking for a space and developing Chez Cameil as if my life depended on it.  Let's face it, life is easier when you are two and have the support of family or a partner. I live far from my family. 

So, in one month I started a crowdfunder with KissKissbankbank that eventually raised 10,000€. They kept telling me that no one ever raises that much money. I would not take no for an answer and insisted that I could do it, and did!  

I felt like life was testing me, so I decided to turn all the sadness, anger and confusion I had into fuel to finally do what I had been wanting to do for sometime.

It was my moment of rebirth and I am forever grateful for it. My now ex-husband has been a great support and we remain friends, but sadly it took us separating for me to be pushed into that moment of fear and then overcome it and turn it into something beautiful that I can now be proud of.

Many people struggle to find a professional path that brings them joy and is in total sync with who they are, their values and natural skills. How did you figure that out?

Through a mix of trials and gut feelings. 

I was an English major, working at a café as a Barista in Seattle where I would occasionally bake cute goodies.  The owner insisted that I go to culinary school and bought me all the tools and books I needed to sign up, so I kind of had to.

After signing up and dropping my English major, I decided I should at least work in a kitchen first before paying all that money on schooling. So I went around asking all the top restaurants in Seattle if I could work for free for a week to see if I liked this as a profession.

After a long list of rejections, a wonderful restaurant accepted my funny offer. I loved it, and them me. I stayed there for five years working my way up from the bottom cookie scooper to cake decorator to pastry chef. Thanks Dhalia Lounge! I’ve been cooking every sense. 

However, I am no longer a pastry chef.  I feel I tell a lot of people this but Ill tell you too: We need to be evolving constantly. “The only constant in life is change,” says Albert Einstein.

I am not the same chef I was 10 years ago nor the same person I was a year ago, so why should my job be the same? All the years of life experience I have created for myself have shaped me into this person I am now. I feel like I have been simply, by trial and error, taking what I like from each experience I have had in my life to create a synergy that aligns with my work.

I’m not saying it’s easy. It takes quitting jobs, taking big risks, self-confidence, and a good support system, being selfish at times and failing and trying again. 

I was once told I was like the film “Yes Man,” because you could offer me any job and I was always up for the challenge.  I was never scared to trust myself, I knew I could learn something from this experience and apply it to the next.  So over the past 10 years I have been doing just that. 

You talk a lot about listening to your intuition and knowing when something feels right. How do you connect with those sensations? 

I spent a lot of time building a better relationship with myself over the past years and asking myself the right questions. What scares me about being single again? Where do I want to be in a year? What’s important to me?  Asking these kinds of questions and really sitting with myself until I find the answers. Using meditation and journaling have been very helpful tools for me.  When I feel my intuition is clouded I often retreat to an Ashram or a quiet place to be alone for as long as I can be with my thoughts to work it out. 

Also, since I was a little girl, I’ve had very visual dreams and I’ve always looked to them for answers in my day-to-day life. 

Two dreams in particular have changed my life. 

In my early 20’s I died in a dream, but died really enjoying this weird bouncing bridge in the middle of a big beautiful lake surrounded by trees and woke up fearless and decided to leave Seattle and travel around South East Asia for four months. And it was not until four years ago that I realized the true meaning of the dream, but that’s a whole other story for another time. 

The second, a few short months later, it’s my first week of my trip in South East Asia and I get very sick in Bangkok. I had a dream that I was on a train in the middle of grey rainy French winter. There was no sign saying I was in France or flags, but I just new I was in France and I remember, in my dream, getting off the train in the crummy weather and feeling the happiest I had every felt. 

So the next morning I went to a travel agency and bought a ticket to Paris France.  I spent the next four months traveling all over South East Asia and planning what I would do in France as I did not speak French, then went to Seattle, sold all of my things, came to France where I worked on a farm for three months learning to make cheese, then hitch hiked around the south of France, moved into the oldest all women’s squat in Berlin, decided I wanted to stay longer in Europe, so started to look for work as a chef and ended up finding a job as a nanny in Marseille for a lovely family who I am still dear friends with now, moved to Paris with them, fell in love and the rest is history all thanks to literally following a couple dreams. 

They say the answers to all our questions are inside we just need to be quiet and listen. 

What do you do when you experience fear or doubt as you develop your dream business?

I use Mantra repetition or Japa as we call it in Yoga. This has saved me so many times. I also have a wonderful group of friends, that I who knows where I would be without their ears to listen to all my crazy ideas and fears, also I am a firm believer in long baths.

I remember very clearly on my last trip of the yachting season this September, taking a brake on the beach between services and having a small freak-out about all the things I needed to do to get Chez Cameil up and running. So I closed my eyes did a mini Savasana/Corpse pose (similar to mediation only lying down on the back) and started repeating a mantra. I honestly do not remember what I had chosen, it could have been something simple, like Intuition, relax or strength. I kept repeating it to myself then did a fifteen minute silent Savasana and after my thoughts were clear and I was able to prioritize the huge list of things I needed to do and felt ready to start tackling them and crossing them off one by one. 

Negative self-talk will kill you. I try to focus on the positive, make a plan, write it down and never be scared to ask for help.  

What’s on the horizon?

I am always working on a bunch of projects as I love creating things, bringing people together and sharing. We have lots of wonderful workshops, book clubs, cooking classes, Yoga retreats and weekends coming to Chez Cameil with all the new collaborators and myself. Then on the side, I am also helping two lovely young gentlemen from Marseille open a Vegan Burger restaurant, there is a possible cookbook in the future with my dear friend Marc and maybe even joining a rock band.  I am excited to watch the evolution of Chez Cameil and myself over the next year.  So much of has changed just in the past six months and I am feeling truly loved, blessed and ready for whatever comes next. 

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I have the enormous honor of seeing my clients at Chez Cameil. If you’d like to learn more about my services click the button below.

Creepy Stroller Stage Prop

The red-headed drag queen with the never-ending legs, gold glitter eyeshadow and pointy stilettos kept appearing on stage with a khaki-colored baby stroller from the 50s. 

Just like that creepy Rosemary’s Baby stroller with the devil’s baby inside. 

What the hell was that stroller doing there all of the time? 

Were the songs all about babies? Collateral from previous relationships? Reflections on responsibility and independence? The pursuit of liberty? Growth and transformation?

I had no clue.

All of the songs performed that night were by an old-school French composer named Jean-Jacques Goldman that none of us American expats in my entourage had ever heard of. (side note: a friend chose the campy drag show as a fun offbeat activity for a birthday celebration, and it was a BLAST!). 

When the stroller appeared on stage for the third time, my friend Ajiri leaned over and whispered the exact question that was running through my mind for the last 45 minutes: “What’s the deal with the stroller?”

Then I looked carefully and realized that the stroller wasn’t just a bizarre prop, but a makeshift stand for the drag queen’s song lyrics. That’s why she was always singing to the stroller!

I shared my discovery with Ajiri and we both agreed how freaking brilliant that was, and here’s why:

1. Evaluate & focus on the essentials, even if it means making some adjustments:
   Since the performances at Madame Arthur change each week, the drag queens only have a few days to learn their songs. (next week: Barbra Streisand). That means they either have to sweat their sweet cheeks off all week memorizing those boring lyrics or come up with another way to put on a great show. My  guess is that they have better things to do between shows and feel like the stroller/lyric stand is a fabulous and cryptic work around for saving their precious time.
   

2. Don’t let memorizing lyrics hold you back from being a diva onstage (aka process over perfection):
   One of the amazing things about working with constraints is how it forces you to get creative. We think we have to master everything, be an expert, reach that perfect (unattainable) place, that we never try anything for fear of failing and looking like a fool! But what’s so amazing about recognizing your limits is that you can get creative with what is in your control, and surprise yourself and others and bring a whole lot a joy to the process but just saying, “This is where I am now and this is what I’ve got. Enjoy!”
   

3. Perfection is boring. Share your eccentricities and imperfections to inspire and empower.
   By doing/being who you are (limits, strollers and all) instead of waiting for the magic wand to make you perfect, you’ll create a ripple effect around you that inspires others to let their hair down and loosen up a bit. You can role model anything you want, including authenticity. And guess what. People see it and love it. Myself included. I’m now inspired to find my creepy stroller prop for my next scary challenge: getting on stage and singing at an open mic jam at a rock school performance with my husband (he’s a rock teacher for kids and adults and has convinced me that this will be fun!). I’m freaking out but also really want to do it. 
   

So what do you think my creepy stroller prop should be?

And more importantly, what creepy stroller prop do you need to create to try that thing out that you think you’re not ready for?

Using Your Full Frame

Adults are amazing at respecting limits that don’t really exist. 

And kids are amazing at disrespecting limits that do really exist. 

Cries, tantrums, arguments, flattery, debate, negotiation. There’s no shame to their game. 

They’ll use whatever they’ve got to see how a limit can be toppled, overturned and redesigned. 

As we get older, though, and move along in life we adapt to the limits that the world throws back at us. 

Conditioning, rules, beliefs — all of these boundaries become a part of the way we perceive the world and operate within it. 

But as our habits and expectations become more and more entrenched, we start seeing limits where they don’t exist, eventually boxing ourselves into tighter and tighter spaces. 

The truth, though, is that what’s not explicitly forbidden, is technically allowed. 

Until you prove you can’t do it, then you technically can. 

There are a zillion ways that you can play around with this logic:

• If you don’t ask for the raise, then how do you know if you can have one?

• If you don’t ask for an extension, then how do you know if the timeframe is flexible?

• If you don’t ask for feedback, then how do you know what people are thinking?

• If you don’t empower your team, then how do you know what they’re capable of?

• If you don’t start, then how do you know if you can continue?

In day-to-day conversation this comes out as: 

“Oh no, I just couldn’t ask her to recommend me for that position.”

“No one would ever want to read the stuff that I write.”

“I could never earn money selling my artwork.”

“There’s no way in hell that my boss would let me take the afternoons off on Wednesday.” 

During my discovery calls with clients I ask a question that tends to stir the pot:

“What have you already put in place to move your goal forward? 

There’s always a long pause on the other line, and then a voice that starts to list concrete actions that have been tested, or, at times, a voice that says "nothing yet."  

Those answers help you see just how far you've stretched your frame to get what you want, and where you've encountered external or internal friction along the way. 

Why is this important as a first step in moving a goal forward? 

We can become so fixated on what we’re incapable of doing, or why something wouldn’t work out, that we forget to take a stab at it. 

We feel boxed in by boundaries that haven’t been really been tested.

So tell me, if you could throw a tantrum to get what you want:

• What would that be?
   

• How is that important to you?
   

• And what limits do you need to test to get it?

When Ideas Get Under Your Skin

I had a very intimidating social studies teacher in High School named Mr Savage. 

He would walk into the classroom, silently go up to the blackboard, scribble a provocative open question, like “What is democracy?” in his chicken-scratch handwriting and then stare back at the class with his beady little eyes. (can you tell how much of a fan I was??)

He’d smile slyly with pinched lips revealing a little scar alongside his mouth. Then he’d gesture to the class to let the debate begin. 

I dreaded that moment. I was a shy and insecure adolescent and that kind of intellectual dogfighting made me shrink even further into my shell. 

Mr Savage didn’t give homework, but he did assign two big writing projects per year that were famously tough. For one project we had to propose our ideal presidential candidate and then argue and defend why we thought he or she should win.

Feeling totally overwhelmed, I asked my dad for help. He’s a school teacher and a very opinionated liberal. This kind of thing was totally his cup of tea.  

He suggested Ralph Nader. This was back in 1990 and Nader at the time was a relative unknown. It seemed like a cool, underground pick. I let me dad run with it. 

My dad wound up writing most of the paper. I was nervous handing in the assignment and felt a bit guilty about getting a great grade on something I didn’t write on my own. Then I was thrown a curveball: I got a really shitty, grade on that paper. Or rather, my dad got a really shitty grade. 

And what was the message that stuck with me after this experience? Not, “cheating is bad”, or “Ralph Nadar is a terrible presidential candidate,” or “failing with your own ideas is better than failing with someone else’s”. 

No, the one that stuck for me was:

You’re a terrible writer, Zeva. Your dad thought so, that’s why he wrote your paper.  

I lived with this belief for a long time. In college, writing assignments were torturous. I’d spend double the time as my peers on my papers. I was ashamed every time I handed something in. Even when I got positive feedback on my work I was convinced that someone was just being generous and feeling pity for me. 

The belief penetrated under my skin and became my ugly little secret:  I was a terrible writer and a fraud for getting into my school. 

Five years after graduation I moved to Paris and went on an interview at a magazine where a friend of mine had worked. Rebecca, the editor-in-chief of the magazine who interviewed me asked if I had any writing experience. I said “not outside of the writing I did in college.” She answered back,  “well, you seem smart, and if you got through Vassar I’m sure you can write.” 

She hired me on the spot. 

I was thrilled to get a job, but terrified that my ugly little secret would slowly reveal its disgusting face and she’d realize that I was a total fraud. 

But it was my job. I had no other choice. I had to write. And I started to get better and better at it. 

Over time, I got some extra freelance jobs. People started to pay me well for my words. 

I was slowly and steadily growing into the person that I was convinced I was not. A writer! Go figure. 

Where am I going with this?

I speak to a lot of people who feel like they’re not credible or capable of doing something because long ago they had a bad experience, or were told that they weren’t great at it. 

Over time, those feelings grow into beliefs and get more massive, dense and resilient until they become as real and unquestionable as the nose on your face.  

How does this happen? 

“Ideas get under your skin, simply by sticking around for long enough”  explains the neuroscientist Lisa Feldman Barrett in her book (that I’m obsessed with), How Emotions Are Made.  “Once an idea is hard-wired, you might not be in a position to easily reject it.”

Some of these hard-wired, unshakeable beliefs could be:

I’m bad at writing 

I’m bad at relationship

I’m bad with numbers

I’m bad at business

I’m bad with conflict

I’m bad at confrontation

I’m bad at making decisions

I’m bad at making changes

I’m bad at being bad….

There is nothing concrete about these beliefs. They’re just dirty little secrets that prevent us from taking action on what we want. From seizing opportunities to igniting change. 

What dirty little secret prevents you from moving forward with meaning?

I promise, I won’t tell :) 

Wonder Women: Lean In, Lean Out, Toughen Up, Soften Up, Be Your Best or Just Be?

My coaching is focused predominantly on women. I coach high-potential, creative women in multicultural environments that have a special spark in them that hasn’t been fully nurtured yet. Maybe they know their spark well, maybe they don’t, but they feel it bubbling under their skin like spaghetti sauce at a slow simmer. They feel its presence, can smell its aroma, but they haven’t plated it, tasted it and shared it with the world yet. And they know that if they don’t start facing, listening, and stoking that spark with the nourishment that it longs for they will regret it forever. And who wants to die with those kinds of regrets?

I don’t want it for me and I don’t want it for other women.

That’s why I coach.

I realize how intense and confusing the messaging is for women these days.

There’s so much attention on the modern women and her potential. According to everything you read these days, women are poised to take over the universe, but how? Are we supposed to lean all the way in à la Sheryl and claim our seat on the executive board? Are we supposed to lean out of the traditional rat race and create alternative communities that, by design, put our needs first? Are we supposed to work hard to quiet our inner demons, slice them out of our minds as the limiting social and cultural constructs that they are? Or embrace ourselves fully and just be who we are, warts, demons, doubts and all?

I don’t have the answer to these questions. But this is what I do believe about how to approach the three major themes important to today’s woman: identity, vocation and success.

Identity

Personal development is your life’s work, your masterpiece. Invest in it however you can.

You don’t have to change who you are, but you don’t have to be the person that you’ve always been.

Be curious about the beliefs, systems and habits that no longer serve you. Examine them like an incessant child would with a million whys. Knowing them intimately will help them fade away.

Vocation

You are a national living treasure. What makes you truly special? When you can identify that you’ll know what needs to be nurtured most.

You have already done extraordinary things. How did you do them? What was the fuel that kept you focused and fired up?

When are you in the zone? What’s preventing you from being in it more often?

Success

Comparison sucks. If there was no model for success what would yours look like? How would it feel? What would you be doing and saying to yourself each day?

What are the things that you refuse to compromise at all costs? These are your values. Embrace them. When opportunities arise that undermine them, investigate.

Project yourself 5 years into the future and think about your birthday party. Who is there? What are they saying about you? What are you saying to yourself on this day that celebrates all that you’ve done and become since birth?

Is this leaning in or out, going hard or strong? I have no idea. But my belief is that good work doesn’t have to be hard when one’s identity, vocation and definition of success are aligned.

How Losing Control Can Make Your Fierce

Have you ever wondered what might possess a woman to voluntarily sign-up for the most painful experience of her life? To choose extreme, hell on earth discomfort when its opposite (or a relative cousin of its opposite) is a socially, medically, and financially-viable option?

If you have, you’re in the right place. In the second installment of my two-part series on the most frightening things I’ve ever done in my life (and what I learned in the aftermath), I’ll delve into my unexpected, voluntary experience giving birth without any meds.

Choosing the path of least resistance

I have a few friends who have always been militant about wanting to give birth without an epidural. They would talk about it matter of factly as if it were no big thing. I remember thinking to myself. WTF? What’s wrong with you girl? I just couldn’t understand the logic.

So when my time came to decide between meds or no meds for my first son’s birth I was like “hook me up with the drugs!” I’m no masochist. I hate pain. I’m a totally wuss. I don’t like roller coasters. I’ve never broken a bone. I never even ever had a cavity. What do I know about suffering?

How could I possibly predict how my body would handle that degree of discomfort if I’ve never experienced anything more painful than having my wisdom teeth removed under general anesthesia?

On the big day something totally unpredictable happened, though.

This being France, the Gods of irony decided that it would be hilarious to throw a huge LABOR strike in my neighborhood on the day that I went into LABOR!! That’s right. When we went to call for a cab to take me to the hospital (which to make matters even worse was located on the other side of town) we were told that we’d have to wait two hours because all traffic was at a standstill.

We had no other solution than to wait the two hours at the house and try out the breathing techniques and different poses that my husband and I learned together during the pre-labor lessons (preparation à la naissance) that were subsidized by the government. In an effort to keep the spirits high and not panic, we tried to have fun with it like two kids play-acting an adult scenario:“OK, now get into that crouching frog position while you grab onto my arms like a tree.”

It was totally surreal and goofy and in the moment I wasn’t as terrified about it as I thought I’d be.

After two hours of squatting and shifting around shenanigans the taxi finally arrived. We headed downstairs, and made our way slowly across town through the side streets, passing picketers, sirens and the general bruhaha of the protest. When we finally got to the maternité, they wired me up and said that I was already 5 cm dilated and can get my epidural! Wooohaaaa!! Yes.

Too Much Of A Good Thing

After the epidural I became so sedate and listless that I felt completely disconnected from my body. I couldn’t feel anything from my waist down. The first dose had been too intense. They actually threw one of those shiny survival blankets over me at some point because my body was shivering uncontrollably. Even so, I was super scared for the effects to wear off right as things got really intense. So when I started to feel the contractions again I panicked and asked for another dose.

When it came time to push I literally couldn’t feel anything. It was a totally abstract experience complicated even further by the fact that as I entered into a sort of birthing bubble, I couldn’t understand a single word of French anymore.

My doctors instructions to breath in, hold, breath out, push, were all jumbled up and I had no friggen idea what any of it meant.

Luckily my husband was there to translate the instructions and help me relax and focus and after twenty minutes of abstract pushing and some alarms beeping and forceps coming out I had my beautiful baby in my arms. Quickly, the craziness of the birth was eclipsed by the craziness of parenting and that birthing adventure was a done deal.

Sensory Gymnastics And My Magical Midwife

I didn’t really think much about all of the details of the delivery and how I would have done things differently for five years until baby #2 was close to arrival.

Two months before my due date I was suddenly in a panic because I had no pre-natal courses lined up and I felt a bit rusty and nervous about the impending event. I had done the traditional course cycle for #1, and given how that worked out I was very eager to see what skills I could pick up to make it a smoother experience. When I stumbled across a sage femmespecialized in something called “gymnastique sensorielle perinatal” (pre-natal sensory gymnastics) my curiosity was piqued!! Images of Esther Williams doing cartwheels and summersaults into a MGM-olympic sized pool came to mind.

What hooked me right away was my first call with the midwife, Johanna, who offered the courses. She asked about the details of my first delivery and when I said that I was looking for a way to “have more control” during the birth, she laughed and said gently, “If there is one moment that we can’t control it’s the moment you bring a life into the world. But what we can do is learn techniques that will help you manage the stress and pain that any situation may produce.” While I had no idea what she had in mind, I like the message and was ready to dive in.

What a Tightrope Walker Taught Me About Giving Birth

Do you know Philippe Petit? The French tight-rope walker who crossed the Twin Towers on a tight rope stretched between the two towers, 1,350 feet above the ground? He apparently trained for 6 years to prepare his mind and his body to be able to adapt to the extreme conditions of the insane walk, which included:

— the gaping, unforgiving void under his feet
 — the waffling movements of the tightrope
 — the thick gusts of wind against his body
 — the stress of having a fleet of police officers waiting to arrest him if he didn’t plummet to his death first.

In my own way I was on a quest to access a similar zone of confidence and strength even with thick gusts of fear and pain trying to knock me off my game.

Over the course of the next two months my main mission with Johanna was to create a physical and mental anchor that I could harness no matter what crazy occurred during delivery.

Growing Roots Out of My Feet and Branches Out of My Hands

How did she train me? It was the exact opposite of a rigorous, sweat-filled boot camp. The challenge was to moor my body while barely moving it. I had to glide my knees from one side of my body to the next while balancing on a bouncy ball, trying to stay steady and upright while slowing the motion down to a imperceptible crawl.

To stay balanced during these super slight moves she had me visualize my legs growing roots out of my feet and branches spurting out of my hands.

The key would be to accompany the contractions using these super slight movements, grounding the pain out of my body like a lighting rod plundering a bolt down into the ground during an electrical storm.

What you don’t want: having that pain writhing around your body with no exit door.

Even though I was totally behind the philosophy and loved the practice, I still wasn’t convinced that I could really do it. While Johanna believed in me 100%, she didn’t pressure me at all. In fact she was surprisingly cool about my ambivalence and said that even with an epidural I would still be able to use the techniques.

It was when my husband joined the conversation and hinted that he thought I could do it was I comfortable and confident to at least give it a try. Knowing that he saw that potential in me, that he believed I could do it, was a huge source of motivation and a turning point in my decision to give this crazy thing ago. We even volunteered to be guinea pigs during a sensory gymnastics midwife training session.

How To Train A Control Freak To Embrace The Unexpected?

One of the reasons I felt I could do this thing was that Johanna (and everyone else) predicted that the birth would go super fast since it was my second delivery. Before I knew it the baby would be there, I was told. My concern would be to get to the clinic super fast so that the baby wouldn’t show up en route.

Once again, we learned that expectations and reality are two opposing forces when it comes to babies.

The delivery was not fast at all. I arrived at am on Wednesday and was told that the baby would come that day. But after 12 hours of contractions with no change in dilation, my doctor suggested we induce. I had been doing my exercises throughout the day, managing the pain relatively well, but my body wasn’t advancing.

Every few hours a midwife would show up and check on me and declare that I was still at 4cm. It was beyond frustrating. I didn’t want to induce because I knew then that the pain would skyrocket off the charts, and that was truly terrifying. I was able to manage the slow and steady increase in intensity like the sun lightening up the morning sky. But an induction would have been a lightning bolt through my system. No thank you.

There was also no medical reason to induce. It’s just that my doctor was ending his shift and wasn’t on call the following day so it was now with him, or another day without him. I decided to continue on without induction, and entered into a second sleepless night of contractions. Luckily I discovered the bath on the top floor of the clinic, where my husband was allowed set up some Chet Baker and candlelight.

There was something moody and Woody Allen-esque about the whole thing. Me in a giant bath delirious with fatigue, listing to Chet Baker and marveling at the surreal beauty of the Paris rooftops while catching a break in between contractions, pressing my hands and feet against the edges of the bath to ground the pain.

But the boy still wasn’t ready to make an appearance! Come 8am the following day I was still at 4cm and my doctor decided to send me home to wait there for things to progress.

The pain reached a whole new level back home. It felt like my insides were like a piece of raw beef beaten tendered by Sylvester Stallone in Rocky. All I wanted was a chance to sleep but the contractions kept me awake. Finally at 3am things started to intensify, the contractions were coming more quickly, and I was determined that the end was near. The pain at this point was off the charts, and I just couldn’t deal anymore. I woke my husband up and told him we had to get back to the clinic to end the torture.

Once there, I was place on a bed to check vitals. It took 45 minutes to take the readings and the entire time I had to stay in an upright position: no bouncy ball, no bath, no crouching or anchoring my feet on the ground to help with the pain. I had to find a way to relieve the pain while being tethered and somehow found relief by pressing my hands into my knees and my feet into the bed.

Just Do What You Can’t

When the midwife came back I was convinced I was just about ready to push, but no, I was still around 5–6cm!! That was it. No more for me. I asked the midwife how long until my doctor could get there: one hour. And how long until the anesthesiologist could get there to give me an epidural: one hour.

I didn’t know what to do! Enough is enough.

My husband reminded me of the bath and how much good that did me the previous night. I just couldn’t fathom ant more of this and said, “I don’t think I can do it, it’s just too much. I don’t know what to do.” He just responded “But Zeva, you are doing it.”

How many times do we limit ourselves because we fear following through with something really hard? We just can’t imagine ourselves being that person who succeeds. It’s the impression of our limitations rather than the reality of our capabilities that dominates our decisions.

My husband’s words cut right threw my doubts, I was doing this. I was that women that I never imagined I could be. Why would I turn back now? I was so damn close.

So I jumped back into that bath and things starting accelerating at a much faster rate, the contractions were coming every minute now. As soon as I caught my breath another tsunami of pain would start up again. I pressed against the sides of the bath with all of my strength as my husband massaged my lower back to relieve the pain. It was totally insane.

Johanna had warned me that at around 9cm women who are on the cusp of giving birth panic and want meds. It’s something to do with the baby’s head passing over some super sensitive area on its journey out and it triggers your brain to say “enough!” That happened to me again. And when it did I begged my husband to make it stop and get Jose’s (the male midwife’s) help.

As soon as José saw me on all fours he was like, ok, come out, you’re ready. I had several more contractions on the walk down to the delivery room. It was a bit comical. Once there, José had me climb up on the table, he examined me a said with a huge smile. “You’re at 10cm, next time you have a contraction, push”. Holy shit, I couldn’t believe it. I pushed twice and my husband said, “I can see his head, Zeva.” One more push and our little baby was out, no drama, no lights, no forceps, no beeps, no tension, no fogginess in the brain. Everything was so calm, so simple.

As my heart expanded, so did my sense of accomplishment and pride. By accepting, and training myself, to embrace the unexpected and the inevitable lose of control, I was able to experience something so profound.

I don’t always feel invincible, believe me, but often when I’m up against a challenge, be it professional, personal, physical, I ground myself in the strength of my past and grow roots out of my legs as I stretch my head up into the sky.

Whatever it is that you want, doing it is infinitely simpler than the pain and stress of self-doubt.