Mission: Find the Facettes

Since I was a little girl I wondered what my mission was. I moved from one opportunity to another without having a guiding direction. The only direction I had was to get me to Paris. But beyond that I didn't know what else I was supposed to do. 

I remember reading What Color is Your Parachute, doing all of the exercises and still coming up blank. 

I knew I liked art but didn't feel I was an artist. I wanted to help artists. I wanted to show off and expose their work more. But did that make me a gallerist? An art dealer? 

I explored those tracks a bit but I wasn't passionate or connected enough within the art world and didn't like the feeling of the auction houses, the galleries. It just wasn't for me.


But I did like reading and writing though about creative people. I started working as a journalist interviewing artists and designers and creators and eventually started a blog highlighting the work of hidden Parisian artisans. 

I got so much satisfaction out of digging around exploring the city, discovering a little showroom, knocking on the door, speaking with and learning about the particular gifts that someone had, and then weaving all of my discoveries into a story that honored their craft and gave them a platform for shining and spreading their light even wider. 

When I think back now, I was already on my path toward becoming a coach. And the mission I have today is like an older cousin of the mission I had back then.

In my work as a coach, the crowing jewel is the moment that the facettes of the inner diamond inside of my client start to sparkle. 

I feel sometimes like a archeologist who is digging around, extracting and removing the earth that's collected around a mysterious and enigmatic treasure. 

The treasure has always been buried in the earth, but the layers of soot accumulated over milions of years has stifled its shine.


My mission, my ultimate mission as a coach, is to help my clients feel and find those facettes inside of them so that they can then dust them off, cherish them, polish them and start letting them shine even brighter and wider with the world. 

I am grateful for you. I’m grateful for your facettes, whether they’re shining loud and bright right now or not, they’re in you and part of you and I appreciate them. 


PS. Part of my mission, once we've found my client's facettes is to work on making them stronger, brighter, more resilient and impactful. Which is why I want to introduce a new concept I have: interviewing my clients so that they can share their facettes, their innovations and their stories with you. So please join me for my first interview this upcoming Wednesday, December 2, 2020 at 12h30 CET on Instagram for a Q&A conversation in French with my client Christelle Tissot Grosset who just launched a new media platform, Müsae.

Tools in Your Pockets

Pockets. They’re designed to keep useful tools close by. Against the body. Like a second skin. So that when you need to jot something down. Remember a task. Fix something. Hold something for later. You don’t have to scramble around like a basket case trying to find it. 

Or rely on someone else for help. 

In short: they help you be better at being you.

Up until the French revolution women had large pockets tucked under their voluminous skirts that were large enough to hold books, mending materials, writing devices, and even lunch. 

But as fashion became more streamlined, women’s pockets moved off the body and into handbags — more distant, easier to misplace, or have stolen.

Making essential tools harder to find and more difficult to access in need. 

“Pockets speak to this question of preparedness, and your ability to move in public and to be confident. It’s really difficult to get around if you don’t have what you need...” says Hannah Carlson, a lecturer at the Rhode Island School of Design who was interviewed about the politics of pockets in the awesome podcast, Articles of Interest.

So I guess you're wondering what pockets have do you with coaching?

Well, I’ve been thinking recently about the tools we need to move ahead with our projects. 

Women often think they need to have everything mastered, integrated and assimilated into every fiber of their body in order to be legitimate, comfortable and prepared. 

Maybe it has to do with the diminishing size of pockets over time and the growing sense that men are better equipped for the challenges of the world than we are. 

Who knows.

But what interests me is this question:  What tools do you need to get you where you want to go with confidence and ease?

And when I say "tools" I'm not talking about hammers and nails and mending materials, in fact your tools don't have to be objects at all!

A client of mine recently described an "immaterial toolkit" that she created to collect “things” she knows are good for her as she journeys forward. 

• Friendships where she can be vulnerable and real

• Rituals that bring her immense joy

• Experiences that spark curiosity and enable growth

• Mindsets that are benevolent and constructive

They’re all tucked away in her toolkit — safe, cosy and close. Carefully selected for the precious vitality they bring her. 

Once you know where you’re going, the next step is to choose the tools you need to help you get there. Venturing out ill-equipped just sets you up for pain and a whole lotta trouble.

You wouldn't head into the forest for an overnight in the wild without a compass, a sleeping bag, and some coffee for the morning after, right? That would be bonkers. 

So tell me, what tools do you want to put in your pockets to get you where you want to go? 

And here’s some more great reading about the politics of pockets

Clarity through charity

Charities and not-for-profit associations haven’t really been my thing. 

I was reminded of that rude reality two years ago while being interviewed for my naturalization papers in France. 

When asked if I volunteered with any associations, I stunned myself with how quickly I blurted out “No!”

Back in High School I was a much better person. I took the bus down with friends to Washington D.C to march in defense of animal rights. And spent months going into Manhattan with my BFF Helen to get people to sign up and donate to the AIDS walk we did together. 

But as an adult, aside from some sporadic GoFundMe or Doctors Without Borders donations, my charitable acts have been pretty slim. 

Lack of time, lack of motivation, call it what you want, but I never really found the energy or mission. 

While I was getting my coaching certification, though, I did a lot of thinking about why I chose this path and who I ultimately wanted to serve. I knew I wanted to coach women. Women who were looking to bring more meaning to their work. 

But how could I bring more meaning to my work? 

I started researching organizations that were doing great stuff for communities I cared about, and then challenged myself to take one concrete step towards contributing to that cause. 

That’s what lead me to apply to become a volunteer mentor with Led By Her. 

Founded five years ago by Chiara Condi, Led by Her is an association that helps women victims of violence rebuild their lives, and their identities, through entrepreneurialism. 

I waited six months to find out if I’d made the cut. And when I got the news this Fall that I was selected to join the mentorship community I was thrilled and totally honored! 
 

Meeting Chiara, the Led By Her volunteer community, the students in this year’s program and my fabulous mentoree has stirred something inside of me that I’ve neglected for so long.


The fabulous feeling of being part of a cause that you care about deeply. 

Many of my clients come to me because they feel out of synch with their careers, like their values are heading in one way and their reality is veering in the opposite direction. 

As each day goes by they feel like they’re drifting farther and farther away from the person they want to be and the person they are expected to be professionally. 

As those poles moves gradually in opposite directions, the feel like they’re literally going to snap. But they have no idea how to bridge that gap and bring those two worlds into alignement.

One way to crack that conundrum is to give your brain a break and feel your way to some answers.

If this resonates with you a super easy way to start is by asking yourself: 

“To make a positive impact on others through my work, I’d love to…”

Your answers might surprise you. And be easier than you think. 

Whether it’s a small internal shift within your current role. Sharing your time and expertise with a charity. Or infusing more meaning into the business you already run. 

Your answers might lead you to some additional questions that help shed light on what you’re next move could be.

Give it a try and let me know what you discover. 

Using Your Full Frame

Adults are amazing at respecting limits that don’t really exist. 

And kids are amazing at disrespecting limits that do really exist. 

Cries, tantrums, arguments, flattery, debate, negotiation. There’s no shame to their game. 

They’ll use whatever they’ve got to see how a limit can be toppled, overturned and redesigned. 

As we get older, though, and move along in life we adapt to the limits that the world throws back at us. 

Conditioning, rules, beliefs — all of these boundaries become a part of the way we perceive the world and operate within it. 

But as our habits and expectations become more and more entrenched, we start seeing limits where they don’t exist, eventually boxing ourselves into tighter and tighter spaces. 

The truth, though, is that what’s not explicitly forbidden, is technically allowed. 

Until you prove you can’t do it, then you technically can. 

There are a zillion ways that you can play around with this logic:

• If you don’t ask for the raise, then how do you know if you can have one?

• If you don’t ask for an extension, then how do you know if the timeframe is flexible?

• If you don’t ask for feedback, then how do you know what people are thinking?

• If you don’t empower your team, then how do you know what they’re capable of?

• If you don’t start, then how do you know if you can continue?

In day-to-day conversation this comes out as: 

“Oh no, I just couldn’t ask her to recommend me for that position.”

“No one would ever want to read the stuff that I write.”

“I could never earn money selling my artwork.”

“There’s no way in hell that my boss would let me take the afternoons off on Wednesday.” 

During my discovery calls with clients I ask a question that tends to stir the pot:

“What have you already put in place to move your goal forward? 

There’s always a long pause on the other line, and then a voice that starts to list concrete actions that have been tested, or, at times, a voice that says "nothing yet."  

Those answers help you see just how far you've stretched your frame to get what you want, and where you've encountered external or internal friction along the way. 

Why is this important as a first step in moving a goal forward? 

We can become so fixated on what we’re incapable of doing, or why something wouldn’t work out, that we forget to take a stab at it. 

We feel boxed in by boundaries that haven’t been really been tested.

So tell me, if you could throw a tantrum to get what you want:

• What would that be?
   

• How is that important to you?
   

• And what limits do you need to test to get it?

When Ideas Get Under Your Skin

I had a very intimidating social studies teacher in High School named Mr Savage. 

He would walk into the classroom, silently go up to the blackboard, scribble a provocative open question, like “What is democracy?” in his chicken-scratch handwriting and then stare back at the class with his beady little eyes. (can you tell how much of a fan I was??)

He’d smile slyly with pinched lips revealing a little scar alongside his mouth. Then he’d gesture to the class to let the debate begin. 

I dreaded that moment. I was a shy and insecure adolescent and that kind of intellectual dogfighting made me shrink even further into my shell. 

Mr Savage didn’t give homework, but he did assign two big writing projects per year that were famously tough. For one project we had to propose our ideal presidential candidate and then argue and defend why we thought he or she should win.

Feeling totally overwhelmed, I asked my dad for help. He’s a school teacher and a very opinionated liberal. This kind of thing was totally his cup of tea.  

He suggested Ralph Nader. This was back in 1990 and Nader at the time was a relative unknown. It seemed like a cool, underground pick. I let me dad run with it. 

My dad wound up writing most of the paper. I was nervous handing in the assignment and felt a bit guilty about getting a great grade on something I didn’t write on my own. Then I was thrown a curveball: I got a really shitty, grade on that paper. Or rather, my dad got a really shitty grade. 

And what was the message that stuck with me after this experience? Not, “cheating is bad”, or “Ralph Nadar is a terrible presidential candidate,” or “failing with your own ideas is better than failing with someone else’s”. 

No, the one that stuck for me was:

You’re a terrible writer, Zeva. Your dad thought so, that’s why he wrote your paper.  

I lived with this belief for a long time. In college, writing assignments were torturous. I’d spend double the time as my peers on my papers. I was ashamed every time I handed something in. Even when I got positive feedback on my work I was convinced that someone was just being generous and feeling pity for me. 

The belief penetrated under my skin and became my ugly little secret:  I was a terrible writer and a fraud for getting into my school. 

Five years after graduation I moved to Paris and went on an interview at a magazine where a friend of mine had worked. Rebecca, the editor-in-chief of the magazine who interviewed me asked if I had any writing experience. I said “not outside of the writing I did in college.” She answered back,  “well, you seem smart, and if you got through Vassar I’m sure you can write.” 

She hired me on the spot. 

I was thrilled to get a job, but terrified that my ugly little secret would slowly reveal its disgusting face and she’d realize that I was a total fraud. 

But it was my job. I had no other choice. I had to write. And I started to get better and better at it. 

Over time, I got some extra freelance jobs. People started to pay me well for my words. 

I was slowly and steadily growing into the person that I was convinced I was not. A writer! Go figure. 

Where am I going with this?

I speak to a lot of people who feel like they’re not credible or capable of doing something because long ago they had a bad experience, or were told that they weren’t great at it. 

Over time, those feelings grow into beliefs and get more massive, dense and resilient until they become as real and unquestionable as the nose on your face.  

How does this happen? 

“Ideas get under your skin, simply by sticking around for long enough”  explains the neuroscientist Lisa Feldman Barrett in her book (that I’m obsessed with), How Emotions Are Made.  “Once an idea is hard-wired, you might not be in a position to easily reject it.”

Some of these hard-wired, unshakeable beliefs could be:

I’m bad at writing 

I’m bad at relationship

I’m bad with numbers

I’m bad at business

I’m bad with conflict

I’m bad at confrontation

I’m bad at making decisions

I’m bad at making changes

I’m bad at being bad….

There is nothing concrete about these beliefs. They’re just dirty little secrets that prevent us from taking action on what we want. From seizing opportunities to igniting change. 

What dirty little secret prevents you from moving forward with meaning?

I promise, I won’t tell :)