What Happened At The Doctor's

I sat in the doctor’s office waiting to get my varicose veins zapped. 

Notebook open, pen in hand, I was listening to a course about entrepreneurial expertise and had to answer the inevitable “why” question. Why do I coach? What’s my mission?

In that moment this is what I jotted down: 

“I empower women to hear, trust and share their unique gifts because the world needs them now more than ever.”

Minutes later, the door flung open, and my name was called. I unplugged my earbuds, put away my notebook and followed the doctor into his office. 

I had been to this doctor a few times already and knew he was chatty.

I took off my pants, laid down on my back, and he started asking me what I do for a living, what my husband does, etc. 

I gave him the same info as during my last two appointments, then for flair, mentioned that in addition to my husband’s job, he was very passionate about tennis. 

“Passionate about tennis? Why isn’t your husband passionate about you?” the doctor quipped. 

I laughed, uncomfortably.  

And then out of the blue he added. “If you want him to be passionate about you you’ll need to lose this,” and he gestured to the little bulge of skin sticking out between my panties and my t-shirt and pinched my belly between his fingers. 

My heart stopped. My pulse quickened. I looked down and felt like I was having an out-of-body experience. “Did he just say what I think he said?” “Is that my belly?” “Yes, that’s my belly.” “What’s it doing here?” 

As he injected chemicals into my legs, he continued on with his unsolicited commentary. “You need to wear sexier underwear,” he said, flicking the waistband of my panties disapprovingly, “you should do butt and ab exercises,” and “don’t forget to wax and get your nails done.” 

He concluded, triumphantly, that this protocol would ensure that “at the end of the day, your husband desires you more than his tennis.”

I kept silent throughout most of this rant, thinking to myself, “This can’t be happening!” “Is this a joke?” “Does he know we’re in 2022?” “I’m a women's empowerment coach, this garbage won’t work on me.”

But it wasn’t a joke. And even though I am a women’s empowerment coach who has the solid support of family, friends, a therapist, a coach and a battalion of personal development tools, I found myself ugly crying on the phone to my husband as soon as I got out of that office.

The doctor’s words hit a nerve. They ignited millennia of self-doubting, shaming feelings and thoughts about a woman’s body that I thought I was immune to. 

They made me feel self-conscious, ashamed, embarrassed, exposed and weak. 

They made me doubt my inherent beauty. My femininity. 

His words, despite their almost comically Mad Men sexism, were an overt attempt to convince me that there was something terrible wrong with me that needed fixing.


That my full-time job as a woman was to keep my body pleasing and desirable, and that I was failing at that job. 

And, as a result of my shortcomings, I should use my precious resources— my time, my energy, my money, my thoughts, my actions—not on my own choices, relationships, convictions, or aspirations, but on the impossible task of living up to an unachievable ideal of feminine perfection! 

No, doctor, I’m not buying your sexist, patriarchal bullshit. 

Even though I wish I had jumped off the table screaming profanities into his smug face, months later, << Test First Name >>, I appreciate the experience the way it did go down. 

It’s helped me have some really honest, powerful, and healing conversations, like my heart-to-heart with Lili Barbery Coulon on her podcast Pleine Présence (which you’re invited to listen to if you speak French). 

But the true gift of this experience is the heightened urgency and clarity I feel today around my mission as a coach. More than ever I feel like my place is to help women release the grip of limiting beliefs and feelings in order to step into their full professional potential, whatever that means for them. 

It’s the only way we can reverse course and dismantle a system that continues to subjugate a woman’s self-value, agency and dignity in order to strip her of her precious power. 

If that mission speaks to you, I'd be thrilled to chat with you during a free discovery call. 


PS. In case you missed my intimate chat in French with Lili Barbery Coulon on her podcast Pleine Présence, you can listen to it over here.  

Why You Need To Watch "The Lost Daughter"

After reading the novel “The Lost Daughter,” the acclaimed actress Maggie Gyllenhaal (and sister to stud, Jake), became obsessed with the idea of adapting the story for screen. 

But she had two giant obstacles in her way. 

Even though she’d spent most of her life in front of the camera, she'd never written a screenplay before, and wasn’t sure she’d be any good at it.

But that wasn’t the biggest block. She first had to convince Elena Ferrante, the mysteriously anonymous Italian author to trust her with the story. 

Gyllenhaal had only one shot to write the perfect letter. She spent weeks editing and tweaking it to make her plea as honest and vulnerable as humanly possible. And it worked. Ferrante granted her the rights to the story, but under two conditions:

1. Gyllenhaal could have the screen rights, as long as she directed the movie herself. If she passed it to someone else, the contract would be null and void, forcing Gyllenhaal to quickly overcome her imposter syndrome and make a movie. 

2. Gyllenhaal had to portray the main character, Leda, as sane. Even though Leda's behaviors dance along the edges of sanity, Ferrante didn’t want the character to tip into "crazy lady" territory. 
   
   

I love that Ferrante made these two conditions explicit because A) She helped a women step into her light and B) She made it really hard for the viewer to judge Leda, which, in my opinion, is what makes the movie so brilliant.  

 

If you haven’t seen the Oscar-nominated movie, "The Lost Daughter" is about Leda, a 48-year-old professor played brilliantly by Olivia Colman, who’s relaxing Greek island holiday is interrupted and reshaped by a wild, obnoxious, fascinating family from Queens, New York.

The bizarre and uncomfortable interactions between Leda and the family prompt a steady flow of flashbacks to Leda’s early years as a young mother. 

Without spoiling the film for you, these flashbacks flesh out a portrait of a woman with some heavy-ass baggage. As a viewer, we desperately want to judge her baggage, to create space between us and her, but Gyllenhaal won’t let us do that. 

There’s just something about Leda, her imperfections, her realness, her roller-coaster range of emotions, that is endearing. We can relate. I did relate! 


Led's not a bad person, even though she does some truly odd and cringeworthy things that "good moms" on screens just don't do. And the fact that it’s hard to judge her, to label her as “crazy" forces us to acknowledge shadow parts of ourselves that she reflects at us. 

“I hope the movie is compassionate about how complicated being alive is,” explains Gyllenhaal in one of the million interviews I’ve devoured since seeing the film. “I was really trying to open the spectrum of acceptable feelings, and that has been really helpful to me, to allow myself to see in myself all sorts of complicated feelings and not indict myself for them.” 

As a coach I’ve realized that the #1 issue my clients struggle with is self-compassion. We are our harshest critics, no doubt about it. 

And for me this film is a beautiful and powerful reminder that one door to self-compassion is the softening stance towards others. 

Go see this film and let me know what comes up. 

Five Empowering Life Lessons From Michelle Obama (That You May Have Missed)

I’ve had Michelle Obama in my ears for the last month. In the morning as I walk to work, doing my groceries on the way home, heading off to meet friends for dinner, on the park bench while watching my kids play soccer.

She’s become a trusted advisor. A wisdom whisperer. A funny pal. Her impeccably articulated stories now etched into my day-to-day memories.

In the fifteen hours that I’ve listened to her a few key moments stand out. Not the rousing moments woven into her sold-out live book tour performances (that I loved, BTW!), but softer moments.

Subtle and quiet, they show shifts in perspective as Michelle takes more and more responsibility for her own happiness and fulfilment.

Learning how to take charge of your own happiness and fulfilment is a theme that means a lot to me. Why? Because it’s the bedrock of the coaching journey—the springboard that creates big leaps forward.

So in a celebration of subtle springboards, I present you with:

Michelle Obama’s Five Discreet Life Lessons On Taking Charge Of Your Own Happiness and Fulfilment (That Didn’t Make It To The Book Tour)

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Lesson 1: If You Want To Find Your True Self You First Have To Stop Worrying About What Other People Think Of You

Michelle Obama lived the first 28 years of her life as a happy control freak, following a strict recipe of hard work and determination. Even her stuffed animals were stiff. When the question “Am I good enough?,” regularly popped up in her head, she pushed herself even harder to prove her worth to others. Following a success-driven path on a straight-and-narrow road landed her in the corner office of a swanky law firm with the prospect of climbing even higher up the lawerly ladder. But then she met Barack, a late to meetings, unpredictable, out-of-the-box thinker with a wild drive and no clear path. Falling for Barack was a challenge ideologically and emotionally. It meant rebelling against predictability. Against the establishment. Against the perfection impression she hoped to project. Allowing herself to fall in love with him was the start of her swerve off the predictable path into a windy, challenging, imperfect, but deeply more satisfying one.

In Michelle’s Words:

"This may be the fundamental problem with caring a lot about what others think: It can put you on the established path—the my-isn’t-that-impressive path—and keep you there for a long time. Maybe it stops you from swerving, from ever even considering a swerve, because what you risk losing in terms of other people’s high regard can feel too costly."

Lesson 2: The Silver Lining To Loss (Of Any Kind) Is That It Can Reframe What’s Really Important

When I lost my father-in-law unexpectedly to a sudden heart attack it knocked me out of a self-pity funk. A few months before he passed away I lost my job of 7 years in a huge corporate restructuring and Trump had just won the American election. The world was going down the drain and I clearly had no say in the matter. My father-in-law’s death shook me out of my “woe is me” mindset. In an instant I realized how much of the crap we worry about doesn’t matter. If life can be over just like that, what am I doing with mine? Am I doing something really meaningful? If I died tomorrow, what would I be remembered for? Michelle lost two treasured people, her dad and her beloved college friend in the same year. That deep loss jolted her right out of her corporate job not knowing what lay ahead. Her experience resonated with mine and many of the clients I see who come looking for more clarity about their purpose after a loss of some kind (a burnout, a divorce, a death in the family, etc). While not the ideal wake-up call, loss definitely helps take stock of what matters and gets you moving!

In Michelle’s Words:

“Losing my dad exacerbated my sense that there was no time to sit around and ponder how life should go. My father was just 55 when he died, Suzanne had been 26. The lesson there was simple: life is short and not to be wasted. If I died, I didn’t want people remembering me for the stacks of legal briefs I’d written or the corporate trademarks I’d help defend. I felt certain that I had something more to offer the world, it was time to make a move. “

Lesson 3: When Looking For Your Next Career — Get Out Of Your Head, Reach Out, Meet People, Ask Questions And Connect Dots

Change is scary, especially when you want it badly but don’t know what it consists of. That’s what typically keeps people stuck. They wait for the perfect road to unfold in their mind before they dare to step foot on it. But the truth is that clarity comes from action. Period. If you don’t get out of your head, you’re never going anywhere. That’s why I LOVE what Michelle did when she decided to leave her job. All she knew was that she had spent her entire life working to become a lawyer, and that now that she was one, she no longer wanted to practice law. That realization could have frozen her in fear. “Who am I going to be in 20 years? What’s the perfect profession? What if I’m all wrong? What if no one ever wants to hire me? What if I need to go back to school? What will people call me? What will I call myself?” Instead of worrying about all of that, she just got moving. She typed up dozens of letters of introduction to interesting people at foundations, universities and non-profits all over Chicago asking them if they’d meet for lunch or an informational meeting. It was the beginning of an informational treasure hunt. By meeting people, sharing her story, and quizzing people on what they did, she opened up many unexpected doors that she was then able to decide whether to go through, or not.

In Michelle’s Words:

“I put myself in front of anyone I thought might be able to give me advice. The point was less to find a new job, than to widen my understanding of what was possible and how others had gone about it. I was realizing that the next phase of my journey would not simply unfold on its own, that my fancy academic degrees weren’t going to automatically lead me to fulfilling work. Finding a career as opposed to a job wouldn’t just come from perusing the contact pages of an alumna directory, it required deeper thought and effort. I would need to hustle and learn. And so again and again, I laid out my professional dilemma for the people I met, quizzing them on what they did and whom they knew. I asked earnest questions about what kind of work might be available to a lawyer who didn’t in fact want to practice law.”

Lesson 4: To Change The Big Picture, Start By Focusing On The Things In Your Control

Post-marital, post-partum life for the young Obama couple wasn’t easy. In fact it was heading for disaster. Barack was out of town several days each week in another state as a senator, leaving Michelle to raise two small girls essentially solo while also holding down a full-time job. Each Thursday she and the girls would wait up for Barack to drive three hours home for dinner, only to fall asleep at the table because he always arrived late. The Obamas found themselves in couple’s counselling, Michelle certain their therapist would see that Barack was 100% responsible for their problems. But that’s not what happened. No validating happened, no sides were taken. During counselling Michelle realized that she had be so preoccupied with Barack’s shortcomings that she had lost sight of what changes to her happiness were in her own reach. How she could set new boundaries and limits that worked for her and the girls. So she took hold of the reigns and created her own frame for happiness, and invited Barack to assume his share of responsibility if he wanted to be in it.

In Michelle’s Words:

“It was possible I was more in charge of my happiness that I was allowing myself to be.”

“This was my pivot point. My moment of self-arrest. Like a climber about to slip off an icy peak. I drove my axe into the ground. That isn’t to say that Barack didn’t make his own adjustments, counselling helped him to see the gaps in how we communicated and he worked to be better at it. But I made mine and they helped me, which then helped us”

“I installed new boundaries, ones that worked better for me and the girls. We made our schedule and stuck to it. ...It went back to my wishes for them to grow up strong and centered and also unaccommodating to any form of old-school patriarchy: I didn’t want them ever to believe that life began when the man of the house arrived home. We didn’t wait for Dad. It was his job now to catch up with us.”

Lesson 5: You Can’t Be What You Can’t See (Aka: Use Visualization To Reach Higher)

Michelle uses visualization time and time again to help others reach higher, to imagine a future that stretches their imagination. As First Lady she visited schools in underprivileged communities regularly, targeting girls in particular. She’d share her story of growing up in a modest neighborhood with limited means in order to connect with those goals. To create a real life anchor, a reference, in order to then show them where they could go from there. She did so not only figuratively, but literally. She invited the girls to Oxford, then brought them to the White House for an up-close-in-your-face look inside the walls of privilege. To unpack the reality of it. Break it down into something more familiar, so that the young girls could project themselves onto that screen. This process is all about creating fuel through familiarity and proximity, and it’s a cornerstone of drive and motivation, whatever the goal may be.

In Michelle’s Words

“I made a point of writing letters to the girls from the Elizabeth Garrett Anderson school in London who had so profoundly moved me, urging them to stay hopeful and keep working despite their lack of privilege. In 2011 I had taken a group of 37 girls from the school to visit the University of Oxford, bringing not the high achievers but students whose teachers thought they weren’t yet reaching their potential. The idea was to give them a glimpse of what was possible. To show them what a reach could yield. In 2012, I hosted students from the school at the White House during the British Prime Minister’s state visit. I felt it was important to reach out to kids multiple times and in multiple ways in order for them to feel that it was all real.”

Action Items:

• Which one of these lessons resonates the most with you?

• How could you use it to create more happiness and fulfilment in your life?

• What three small changes could you make in your life today to take more control of your happiness and fulfilment?

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Get into your growth groove

It was the official rentrée, the first chaotic day of reality after a long summer break. 

We were walking among perfectly-coiffed kids with their new backpacks and outfits on their way to school when I glanced over and saw my toddler hobbling along with his heels hovering in the air. 

“Shit!” I said to my husband. “We forgot to get him new shoes.”

My son was so obsessed with his red suede Adidas we conveniently overlooked him busting out of them. 

Next day at the shoe store, we embarrassing learned he had grown, not one, but two shoe sizes! Needless to say when he put his new sneakers (Adidas, again!) he was reborn.

Ripping his beloved pacifier out of his mouth big-boy style, he started running — down the ailes, down the street, to the park, around the park. Tirelessly, enthusiastically, like he had a new set of Duracell batteries on full blast.  

It was a total and immediate energy upgrade. 

As a kid, things like new shoes are empowering evidence of your growth. Your potential. Your energy. Your strength. 

But what happens as an adult? When the changes in your body no longer signal empowering growth? What other signs define it?

Since la rentrée kicked off there’s been a common theme among the people I’ve met with. 

Growth. And the desire for more of it day-to-day. 

As a coach, when I hear someone talk about big concepts like "growth" my next move is to dig in and investigate just what it means: 

• How do you know when you’re growing? 

• What do you need to grow?

• What does it look like? 

• What does it feel like?

• What does it allow you to do?

To one woman I spoke with it means working transversally across different formats and departments and having the freedom to innovate and bring value in her own unique way.

To another it means transforming theoretical concepts into tangible actions and making a concrete impact in the word.

To another it means going super deep and developing her skills and proficiency in a specific field. 

Here’s what’s important to remember about the growth groove: it’s not a one-size-fits all concept. 

It means something different to us all. 

But it is a mindset that needs nurturing if you want to feel alive. 

Without growth, you wind up feeling dullness, stagnation, inaction, sluggishness. 

The very feelings that make you want to curl up and call in sick for a few days, or even a few weeks. 

In France insurance companies and the government are freaking the hell out. Since the beginning of 2018 there’s been a 6% increase in medical leave payments. 

The cause? No one can say for sure, but the government thinks employees are feeling more and more stressed out and crappy at work and they want companies to do something to fix that (or start paying the bills).  

Growth isn’t a blanket panacea. I'm not suggesting that it's the end-all solution to a suffering system. 

But I do believe that companies should spend more time observing and asking questions about the type of growth that each employee craves. 

It’s likely not what they think it means to their employees (moving up the ladder, getting more vacation time, or a bigger salary). It could be a lot simpler than that. 

My suggestion?

If you’re a manager and are struggling with team burn-out: 
Get to know the growth needs of each person on your team. Spend quality time on this. Look for concrete examples. Observe trends. In what context does your employee thrive? When do they limp around like a toddler in tight shoes? 

If you are thinking about making a professional change because you’re not growing:
Get crystal clear on what growth means, looks and feels like to you in your quest for self-realization. 

So tell me dear reader, what’s your new pair of Adidas like? How do they look? What do they feel like? And what do they allow you to do?  Leave a comment below or send an email to: zeva@zevabellel.com

You Should Be Talking Business With Your Besties

So it turns out that Edith Wharton didn’t care much for her female peers.

In the copy of Old New York that I borrowed from my mom, the author of the introduction, Marilyn French, says that Wharton was “stubbornly disinterested” in the successful female writers of her era. A dismissive attitude French calls “horizontal hostility.”

The term “horizontal hostility” was coined in the 1970s by lawyer/activist/feminist Florynce Kennedy to describe destructive power dynamics between women. Be it shaming, attacking, belittling or flat out denying each other’s potential and talent. 

Women have come a long way since.  

Within the last few years there’s been a boom in the number of groups and businesses created by women to support women, such as: 
 

• Networking groups like PWN and ChIPS
• Entrepreneurial associations like Led By Her and The World Association of Women Entrepreneurs
• Co-working/social clubs like The Wing and CoWomen
• Recruiting agencies like The Mom Project and Mothers & Careers
• Funding platforms like Backstage Capital and iFundWomen
• Election groups like Get Her Elected and Emily's List

But are women really all holding hands, singing "Kumbaya" and hoisting each other up to the higher echelons of the ladder? 

Let’s be honest, we’ve still got a long way to go. 

One way we can accelerate things is by taking a good, hard look at our personal beliefs and habits, especially when it comes to the women we care about and know the most: our girlfriends. 

And here's why. 


In a recent article in Forbes, author Mallun Yen, ChIPs co-founder and CEO, explains that: “Women’s friendships tend to become deeply personal and intimate very quickly. Trying to make the leap directly from intense personal relationships to business can feel abrupt and awkward to both sides. So the very thing about female friendships that is deservedly celebrated may also be holding us back from generating vital business with each other."

 

When girlfriends get together they tend to hold back sharing professional help, contacts and advice because it feels weirdly disingenuous, like a shady transaction out of a "Breaking Bad" episode. 


“Doing deals with your buddies is a time-honored way to build your book of business," continues Yen. "But women tend to struggle when it comes to mixing money and friendship, cutting themselves off from one of the most effective tactics in the constant struggle to get ahead. "


"So why is it that we’re so hesitant to do deals with our friends—the very people we know have our backs?” asks Yen.

That's a damn good question don't you think?

What prevents us from sitting down with a bestie over a bottle of rosé to swap stories about marriage squabbles and potty-training disasters, and then fifteen minutes later whip open our iPhones to make an invaluable introduction to advance each other's careers? 

 

If it’s just the antiquated belief that we can’t mix business with pleasure because we care so much about the authenticity of our friendship, then maybe we need to redefine the concept of friendship. 

So, the next time you meet with a close friend for lunch or drinks or coffee, test out some non-icky tools and techniques to kick each other's professional goals into high gear. 

And then use them on interesting women you encounter at events.

At work.

At dinner parties. 

Why not make that one of your micro-actions for the month?

Wonder Women: Lean In, Lean Out, Toughen Up, Soften Up, Be Your Best or Just Be?

My coaching is focused predominantly on women. I coach high-potential, creative women in multicultural environments that have a special spark in them that hasn’t been fully nurtured yet. Maybe they know their spark well, maybe they don’t, but they feel it bubbling under their skin like spaghetti sauce at a slow simmer. They feel its presence, can smell its aroma, but they haven’t plated it, tasted it and shared it with the world yet. And they know that if they don’t start facing, listening, and stoking that spark with the nourishment that it longs for they will regret it forever. And who wants to die with those kinds of regrets?

I don’t want it for me and I don’t want it for other women.

That’s why I coach.

I realize how intense and confusing the messaging is for women these days.

There’s so much attention on the modern women and her potential. According to everything you read these days, women are poised to take over the universe, but how? Are we supposed to lean all the way in à la Sheryl and claim our seat on the executive board? Are we supposed to lean out of the traditional rat race and create alternative communities that, by design, put our needs first? Are we supposed to work hard to quiet our inner demons, slice them out of our minds as the limiting social and cultural constructs that they are? Or embrace ourselves fully and just be who we are, warts, demons, doubts and all?

I don’t have the answer to these questions. But this is what I do believe about how to approach the three major themes important to today’s woman: identity, vocation and success.

Identity

Personal development is your life’s work, your masterpiece. Invest in it however you can.

You don’t have to change who you are, but you don’t have to be the person that you’ve always been.

Be curious about the beliefs, systems and habits that no longer serve you. Examine them like an incessant child would with a million whys. Knowing them intimately will help them fade away.

Vocation

You are a national living treasure. What makes you truly special? When you can identify that you’ll know what needs to be nurtured most.

You have already done extraordinary things. How did you do them? What was the fuel that kept you focused and fired up?

When are you in the zone? What’s preventing you from being in it more often?

Success

Comparison sucks. If there was no model for success what would yours look like? How would it feel? What would you be doing and saying to yourself each day?

What are the things that you refuse to compromise at all costs? These are your values. Embrace them. When opportunities arise that undermine them, investigate.

Project yourself 5 years into the future and think about your birthday party. Who is there? What are they saying about you? What are you saying to yourself on this day that celebrates all that you’ve done and become since birth?

Is this leaning in or out, going hard or strong? I have no idea. But my belief is that good work doesn’t have to be hard when one’s identity, vocation and definition of success are aligned.